Boxing Day

Happy Boxing Day, everybody. Christmas was crazy-busy, as could be expected. They've been having me pull double duty as a housekeeper and server, but in two days I should be able to go back to only housekeeping. Christmas morning was nice, with stockings for everyone and some time to sit around the fire. I had a break in the afternoon, too, but it was kind of rough. My grandma passed away last week, and we always spent Christmas day with that side of the family. I went home for the funeral, and I hated to jump back on a plane right before Christmas and leave everyone, esp since my grandpa passed away this summer, too, and it's really strange to think of Christmas without them. There were some tears. I actually started crying when I found out the housekeepers went for a horseback ride while I was working. It's so weird how you can have deep things going on in your life that you're thinking about and trying to process, but something small and stupid will set off the tears. Now I just have to make the push through New Years. After that life should slow down a bit. I'll have two days off a week--whoo-hoo! Right now I just want one day to SLEEP IN.

Melodic Monday - Be Still My Soul and I Need Thee Every Hour

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as He has the past

Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below

I Need Thee Every Hour
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.
I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.
I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
Oh, make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son.
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

Rusty's Ranch Relay and the Adventures of Chico the Towel Burro

Oh, what an eventful past couple of days! We've been having ranch orientation, which has entailed much training of the 4-star way to clean a cabin. It's been fun meeting everyone, and the housekeeping team is awesome. I'm so glad I decided to switch. But yesterday was when things really started happening.

To begin with, last night was Rusty's Super Ranch Relay. I knew I should be prepared for all possible disasters when I heard that Dace had put Rusty in charge of the "fun" activities, but I was not at all prepared for Rusty's Ranch Relay. There were some fairly harmless things, like trying to pop other teams' balloons while keeping your own from being popped, snowshoeing out to the pasture and having another teammate pull you back on a sled, and naming ten states and their capitals. But the other two completely canceled any harmless factor: The Pudding Challenge and Bobbing for Turds.

I guess Rusty, God love him, forgot we're not all thirteen-year-old boys when he picked those two games. Bobbing for Turds involved fun-sized Milky Way bars in yellow-dyed water with bits of toilet paper floating in it. People had to bob for them the same way you bob for apples. I almost vomited just watching.

The Pudding Challenge was my part of the relay. I had to pull a knee-high stocking over my head and slurp a Snack Pack chocolate pudding through it. It was actually not as hard as it sounds, but gross. I have never eaten a Snack Pack in under a minute before and I never hope to again--esp through a nylon net.

I have to admit, though, the night provided a lot of laughs and a lot of bonding. I think the stories will be told all season.

Today the other big adventure occurred. The housekeepers have been trying to figure out how to make towel animals. None of the instructions we had were for ranchy or western animals, so we tried to combine an elephant and a dog to make a horse. It ended up looking like a burro, which gained the name Chico. Today, we walked into the laundry room, and Chico the Burro was lying on his side with a bull's eye drawn on his side! Naturally we were outraged. We wrote a note from Chico's mother, conveying her heart-brokenness and anger, and left it with Chico on the seat of the ranch hands' truck.

Tonight was also a lot of fun. Tomorrow is our first day off, and lots of people were planning on going out, but it started snowing really hard, so most people just stuck around. I baked cookies, and Anita and Matt had their guitar and flute respectively, so I had a personal serenade while I baked. More people trickled in later, and we played Scattegories for a while, and there was lots of hanging out and some wine and laughs. It's always weird at the start of a season, getting to know everyone and realizing that everyone from last season is gone, but I think this winter is going to be really good.

Vista Verde Adventures

I am safely back in Colorado, and oh, what a journey it was. I rode out with my friend Mindy across the most boring states in our union. It remained very boring until we crossed the border from Wyoming into Colorado and Mindy's car started making noise. We kept going to the closest town, a tiny little podunk place named Walden, and stopped at the gas station. The auto repair place was closed because it was Sunday, but they lady in the gas station referred us to this guy who was in the store and said he was good with cars. This older gentleman, who goes by the name of Tex, said that a connecting rod was out in the engine. It was knocking into it, and if we kept going, it would knock a hole in the engine and catch on fire. He was a very nice, fatherly type. So anyway, apparently he owns 80 acres outside of town, and has a lot of work vehicles and restores cars on the side. So he offered to lend us one of his vehicles for $50 dollars and keep Mindy's car at his place until she decides what to do. I'm pretty sure he's an angel in disguise. Except he has relatives in Indiana. His brother-in-law is actually head of the chemistry department at Purdue! He got really excited when he found out we were alum. It pays to be a Boilermaker!

So we set out from Walden in Tex's old pick-up truck, a bright orange vehicle that he bought from the county. Hilarious. We were so thankful to arrive at the ranch. But there was no heat in our house! The thermostat is stuck at 56 degrees. Bill, the maintenance guy, is trying to fix it, but last night I slept in two sets of long johns, plus my pajamas, plus my down winter coat and huge pile of blankets. I kept getting up and adding more layers. Ridiculous! I really hope this problem is fixed soon!

Well, it's back to staying in touch through the virtual world. I will keep reading your blogs and follow your lives!

Melodic Monday

I got a phone call from my college roommate Anna last night telling me that she is engaged! I met the guy when I visited her in Berkley last spring, and he is super nice and I think they are so well-suited for each other. I also heard this song and it reminded me of my EDGE Corps roommate, Katie, and a dance she taught me to it. So, this Melodic Monday goes out to Anna & Eric and Katie Clark!

don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry
C`mon, let's try

Am I crazy for wanting you?
Baby, do you think you could want me too ?
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do ?
I just wanna know if you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You beautiful soul, yeah.

So, I haven't written a deep post in a really long time. Here goes an attempt at one. Lately I have bee feeling disconnected. came home a few weeks early to try to get some extra time with God and some counseling. The counselor only had three appointment times available. Two have already passed. The first one was kind of spent just getting her up to speed on where I was, and when I showed up for the second one, she didn't. I know there are crisis calls and all kinds of stuff that can happen in that job, but I was really disappointed and I still haven't heard from her. I'm sure it was just some kind of mis- or noncommunication, but time is so limited. I'm supposed to have my third one this Tues. I really hope there's some kind of breakthrough. Today at church when Tony asked people who have felt like a disconnected "branch" to come forward for prayer, I should have gone. I don't know why that's always so awkward for me, but I feel weird walking up in front of everyone, especially when it gets so jam-packed and Tony's calling out, "We need more people to pray! We need more people to pray!" It was so nice just to be at church, though.

I've felt like I'm in the middle of spiritual warfare lately. When I came home, I wanted a couple days to just rest and not think about anything, but then it was like I never started thinking again. I haven't really been praying or in the Word. I've just been in this static state. There have been a few moments, but all in all, it's kind of sucked. I feel like there is this blackness that keeps reaching for me. I keep having thoughts like "This winter will be so hard" and "You'll just fall away" and "You won't have any close friends" and "You'll just be so sad." The good thing is that, so far, they've all been identifiable as attacks and lies, but I haven't really fought. I've just turned off the thoughts and continued in my static state. When I decided to come home early, I felt like Jesus was showing me that there were areas of my heart that had been closed off in darkness (by me, out of self-protection), and He was going to begin the process of opening doors to those areas. But I've felt nothing but bad about myself since coming home. This summer was so draining, physically, mentally and spiritually, and I don't want to do anything. I don't want to make new relationships that I'll have to sever in December. I don't want to work when I'm going to jump right back into the insanely busy holiday season at the ranch. And I desperately don't want to leave spiritual feeding and fellowship.

This blog has been so rambly. I don't think I really know what I'm trying to say. But I would love prayers.

Extreme Home Makeover - The Camping Edition

I have a feeling that I'll be blogging a lot more since being home. Maybe not...we'll see.

I'm sitting in Panera having lunch. This is not just a pleasure, it's a necessity. I returned home to find my parent's house in the throes of remodeling. They warned me, but I didn't understand the extent of this project. I walked into the house to find the family room full of nonperishable food items, the refrigerator and microwave relocated to the garage, and the kitchen and dining room completely gutted. My room was packed full of storage--I've been sleeping on an air mattress that just fits between the desk and the closet in my sister's old room. We eat canned and boxed and frozen food from paperware. We joke that it's exactly like indoor camping except we still have nice bathrooms.

Today was a big delivery day. They just finished installing the new floor and cabinets, and today they brought the sink, oven, countertops, living room furniture, and dining room table. It looks great. My parents have really opened up the spaces and made use of the windows and natural lighting. The sink looks out a window, the dining room table is right under the double windows, and the living room furniture lets you sit and look out the sliding glass door. They picked out a really pretty cherry wood for the cabinets and furniture. It's fantastic. My mom is super excited. I personally can't wait until I can make something for myself. But my mom really wants to be the first one to cook in her new kitchen, which is just fine by me.

So far I haven't done much since being home. I've seen the family--my grandparents' 60th anniversary party was last weekend, and this weekend my cousin Drew, from the other side, is getting married. I didn't make it to my grandpa's funeral, so it will be really good to see everyone. Oh, the other news (I don' think I've posted about this yet)--I got accepted to Denver Seminary! I start the non-degree counseling program in January! So I am trying to figure out registering for classes and all that fun business. I am actually looking forward to taking classes again. The ones that are recommended for starters look really fun and interesting--Effective Biblical Interpretation, Understanding the Gospels and Acts, and Old Testament Wisdom Literature. Sweet! Other than that, I've just been enjoying being in civilization again. Going to Target was like going to the promised land. Hopefully I will be able to catch up with some people next week. Feel free to give me a call, if I don't give you one first!

Once in a rare while...

...I'll actually post something! This is just such a time. I'm actually really excited because I get to go home this Saturday! I had originally planned to stay until the end of October, but I need to go now. God has been stirring up a lot in my heart, and I don't think this is the place to walk through it. It's been really lonely here, and I've struggled with depression, and the issues that God is bringing to light. Way too complicated for a blog, but....yeah. Basically, I want to be in a sound spiritual environment and with the people who know me best as I try to walk through this. I think there are some areas of my heart that are closed off that He wants to open, and dark areas that He wants to shine His light into. Needless to say, I'm excited for a break. And to see everyone! If you are going to be in the area, give me shout! I can't wait to see everyone/catch up with everyone. Yay! Please also pray for me as I seek God on these issues and fight the enemy, who I know wants to keep these areas wrapped in darkness.

Praise You in the Storm

Hooray! Guests are gone. It's a great feeling. Today was the first day of work for the off season. I get to watch Steph's kids, which is great fun. Maggie, 3 yrs old, led a yoga class for us. Ella, 6 mos, has spent most of the day sleeping. Right now they are both down for naps, and I have some blessed free time on my hands.

Everyone had yesterday off. I went to breakfast and church, then spent the rest of the afternoon lying in bed watching special features from The Office. I napped somewhere in there, but I was lying in my bed until about 9 pm. I felt complete apathy toward anything that needed to be done, or the fact that I wasn't getting anything done. I didn't even have to shove the guilt under the rug--I just didn't care. I wondered if I'd ever want to do anything or be with people ever again. Today is better, though. It's been great playing with the kids, and I'm so glad I don't have to try to key up again for more people. Just people I already know and physical labor. Resting from the strained smiles, the forced cheerfulness when someone is snapping at you that you tried to kill them by serving them nuts (when it was only artificial almond flavoring), taking the blame for things that are not your fault and trying to look happy about it when all you want to do is tell them right where they can go--it's all over for two blissful months.

I do want to ask for prayers for Anita, the new head housekeeper and one of my closest friends here. She went home last Friday because her dad was in the hospital after suffering a massive heart attack, and he passed away Saturday night. It seems like she is doing well considering the circumstances. She's planning on coming back pretty soon after the funeral. Please send up a prayer for Anita and her family. Today's Melodic Monday goes out to them.

"Praise You In This Storm"
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Decisions have been made. I'll be here again for the winter. It's been a huge back-and-forth process. But there are some changes that make me really excited for the winter. It looks like I'll be able to take some intro counseling courses through Denver seminary while working. Also, I'll be switching to housekeeping. I need a change from the dining room. I am really excited for the opportunities you have to build relationships while housekeeping--you can actually talk while you work, not just run around like a chicken with its head cut off with four different chefs yakking at you. There are also regular hours, and evenings off, which will be great if taking classes pans out. Also, I have come to a place where I feel like I recognize that my gifts lie in behind-the-scenes work. I think it was good for me to be out in front for a while, to show that I could do it and that "gifts" wouldn't be something to hide behind, but now I realize that's really where I'm gifted, and I'm excited to have the chance to use it.

There are two more weeks of guests. Then staff starts to trickle out. I feel really fortunate to be able to stay here for the off season. I'll be heading home for a few weeks in November around Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to that, too. But mostly, I'm looking forward to things dying down around here. Life has been crazy since about half the staff left to start school again (haha, suckers!) and the rest of the staff has been trying to patch things together. It's been really hard in the kitchen because we've had a ton of people in and out lately, and everyone is on a different learning curve, and sometimes people forget this. I've really been struggling this past week--there's been a lot of tension. But I had a really good conversation with Ben where he told me, "Don't define yourself by what happens down there. That's like defining the cleanliness of your entire house by the toilet." I've also been reading Romans 8 and praying that the Spirit of Christ alive in me would put to death the misdeeds of the body, and that my mind would be controlled by the Spirit and be a mind of life and peace.

Melodic Monday - Hard to Get by Rich Mullins

Do You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth?
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt?
Do You remember when You lived down here, where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread?
Did You forget about us after Your had flown away?
Well, I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

Do You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin?
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness? Did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You are barely holding on and Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the one who loves me most
And after I have figured this, somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead and we cannot get free
Of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All these words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how you're leading me, unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along, I guess
It's just Your way, and You are just plain hard to get

Too long!

It's been too long since I've blogged! Things have been CRAZY! Oh my goodness. I don't even know where to start. So...Teresa left the ranch. She had some things she felt like she had to work out with family. That left me and Brooke as co-second in command when Bekah's not in the dining room. I love working with Brooke; she's awesome. But we had some problems with one of the other girls....WAY too long a story to write down here, but basically, she escaped being fired by the skin of her teeth, and she's been reassigned to watering plants. So we're down to four servers, and Maggie leaves at the end of this week, and Brooke leaves the 21st. So Amy and Mindy from housekeeping are cross-training as servers. Insanity.

The last day of the season is September 23. I still have no idea what I'm going to do next. I really want to come back here for the winter season, but I don't feel peace when I pray about it. I'm really sick of the back-and-forth existence, too. I can't start grad school yet. I just want to get married and have babies. Not looking like it's in the cards for me any time soon, though. I would love to have a management position here and stay in the off season. But none of those are really open, and no one has offered them to me or said anything about me staying. Plus, I just have a gut feeling that God is going to move me on. But I'm really, REALLY reluctant to jump back into "I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I can't find a job, I'm living with my parents," etc. That was THE WORST. If I had something I was leaving for, I'd be a lot more settled about it. If I had a car, I'd be tempted to road-trip to CA and live in my car for a few months. Not really. Besides, I don't have one. Maybe I should make Dace an offer on his old pick-up. I don't really have money to throw around if I'm going to jump back into the well of unemployment. Grrr. I hate this.

...On that note, I have to start getting ready for dinner. I would really, really appreciate some prayers for direction and provision!

Update

I'm sitting in my favorite Steamboat coffee house, Off the Beaten Path. I liked their old location much much better, but it is still a good place.

My grandpa's funeral is today. I ended up not going home. He had been sick for so long that I felt like I had already come to terms with it. I told my parents that if they wanted me to be with them, I would go, but they agreed that it was best for me to stay and save the cost of a ticket, especially since I'm going to see them for my friend Julie's wedding in a little over a week. They thought it was more important that I had time with him while he was alive. I was able to talk to them today, so that was good.

Grief is a funny thing. I was so prepared for this, yet it's still a loss. For the first two days, I was so caught up in trying to learn the details of the service and figure out if I was going home or not that I just felt really shell-shocked about it. Then Saturday night, I was looking at some pictures of my grandparents that my aunt posted, and it hit me that he was really gone. I'm not going to see him next Christmas or hear his voice on the phone when he calls. He would always tell my dad to give us a "squeeze"--and something about apple pie and cheese. "Apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze." That was one of his little sayings. His parents were German, but the only phrase he knew how to say was "Beer and ham sandwich, please." He was very generous and always remembered our birthdays and Christmas, even thought there are over 20 grandchildren (my aunt and uncle are expecting right now--this new one will make 23). It's been a long time since I've seen that side of the family. My cousin Drew is getting married this fall, so I will see them then.

My grandpa had this horrific suit coat that was 70's polyester blend and ugly shades of red, purple and orange, I think with some blue and/or green thrown in there, too. When Grandpa decided to get rid of it, my Uncle Steve wore it to a costume party as a used car salesman. Eventually it resurfaced at family Christmases and got passed around from family member to family member. It was always a lot of fun to see who would get the ugly coat and how creatively they could re-gift it next year.

I'm so glad to have a day off today. It's been hard trying to function normally at work. There are times when it's appropriate to grieve and cry and times when it's not--I can't be weeping while I'm taking orders, for instance. But having to put these emotions on hold was super hard and took all my energy, and I ended up snapping at my coworkers and crying at simple reprimands from the chefs. I got so used to having to stuff the emotions that I couldn't get them to surface when I had a break, and they popped up in odd ways like the ones already mentioned. I felt annoyed by people making silly jokes and having trivial fun. I didn't know where the anger was coming from, and then I remembered this quote from one of my friends: "Anger is the face of grief." Yesterday I found a sweet spot--a little rocky island in the middle of the river that you have to bushwhack to get to, so no rides or hikes go by--and just cried for about 20 min. That was really helpful. I still feel like I might get easily annoyed or be short-tempered, but I'm ready to move on. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow, though. Ugh.

I got my hair cut and got my nails done today. That was really nice. Thanks for letting me process all this on this good ol' blog.

I got a call from my dad this morning that my grandpa passed away early this morning. It's totally not a suprise, and lots of things came about in the best possible way. He was in his own bed, which was good because he was determined not to go back to the hospital. They were able to call my uncles and aunt to be with him in time. My parents got to go see him about two weeks ago, and they found out about him right before my mom was about to leave for the weekend, so she was able to stay with my dad. My brother was already coming home for the fourth of July. I still don't know if I'll be going home or not. In some ways it's easier to stay here because I know my mom's way of processing would be to talk about it nonstop, while mine is solitary grieving and inward processing before I'm ready to talk about it. I have a really good support system here; I don't feel at all alone. But I would like to go home for the service, I think, and have that closure and chance to say goodbye. The hardest part for me is that he wasn't a believer. I can't think about that. I don't know what kind of service they'll be having. He's going to be cremated, so there's no burial. I would appreciate prayers for my family!

Emotional breakdown

I came home from dinner tonight to find my bedroom door locked. I could hear music playing inside, so I pounded on it until my room mate came and opened it. She thought I was working and locked it "for privacy reasons." What? Who else would go into our room without knocking if she just closed the door? I wanted to change my clothes because I got soaked by the stupid lawn sprinklers that come on at the most inopportune moments. It really bugged me that I couldn't. Once Teresa got back in the shower (yes, I knocked until she got out of the shower to let me in), I burst into tears. I didn't know why such a stupid little thing would get me so worked up. I think I have just been emotionally on edge for a while--I've been struggling with discontent, jealousy and trying to learn to healthily walk through my fears--and all it took was a stupid little thing to send me off the deep end. Also, we've been close since being here, and the past few days she's been really upset but won't talk to me about it. I know she just needs time to herself to process, but for some reason I've let it hurt my feelings. Her locking the door on me was a physical manifestation of how I feel like it's been lately. Also, I don't feel as free to share when she doesn't share, and I feel like a lot is weighing on my mind. Grr, I don't know how to handle these emotions well. I know I really need someone to pray for me. So, if you're reading this, feel free to take that task upon yourself!

If I Were a Carpenter

I love the Johnny Cash and June Carter version of this song.

[ Johnny: ]
If I were a carpenter and you were a lady,
Would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby?
[ June: ]
If you were a carpenter and I were a lady,
I'd marry you anyway. I'd have your baby.

[ Johnny: ]
If a tinker was my trade, would I still find you?
[ June: ]
I'd be carryin' the pots you made, followin' behind you.

[ June & Johnny: ]
Save your love through loneliness
Save your love through sorrow
[ Johnny: ]
I gave you my onliness.
[ June & Johnny: ]
Give me your tomorrow.

[ Johnny: ]
If I were a miller, at a mill wheel grindin',
Would you miss your colored blouse and your soft shoes shinin'?
[ June: ]
If you were a miller, at a mill wheel grindin'
I'd not miss my colored blouse and my soft shoes shinin'.

[ June & Johnny: ]
Save your love through loneliness
Save your love through sorrow
[ Johnny: ]
I gave you my onliness,
Give me your tomorrow.

[ Johnny: ]
If I worked my hands in wood, would you still love me?
[ June: ]
I'd answer you, "Yes I would."
[ Johnny: ]
And would you not be above me?
[ Johnny: ]
If I were a carpenter and you were a lady,
[ June: ]
I'd marry you anyway. I'd have your baby.

[ June & Johnny: ]
Save your love through loneliness.
Save your love through sorrow.
[ Johnny: ]
I gave you my onliness.
[ June & Johnny: ]
Give me your tomorrow.

No, I haven't died or fallen off the face of the earth. I have just been working a lot. They weren't kidding when they said the summer was faster-paced than winter. It has been really, really good, though. I am so glad that I'm here. God has been moving in incredible ways, both in my heart and in people around me. I think I'm really starting to experience the fullness of healing in some areas, and understanding the beauty and sovereignty of God's plan. I have had some really awesome times with my awesome room mate, Teresa. We do Bible study and pray together. It's amazing how God has transformed her and how she has completely responded to Him. It's a reminder to me of the gospel and its transforming power, and seeing Jesus at work in her is like seeing a flower unfold in the sun.

I have been booking 10-12 hour days the past couple weeks. Now that we all know our jobs a little better and can work more smoothly, we are down to 8-10 hour days. I like this better for my health and sanity, but I miss the overtime pay. But it is just so gorgeous here that I want to soak it up as much as possible. Right now it's wildflower season and everything is bursting into color. The sad thing is that the lodgepole pine beetles have killed a ton of trees and they've had to come down, and forests are turning into meadows. It's so sad. We went out to the original homestead cabin for breakfast ride on Tues, and 2/3 of the trees were down. Very depressing.

So, I am still reading all your blogs and keeping up on your lives! Keep me posted, friends! Love to you!

Finally, update!

Due to first-week craziness and an iffy wireless connection, I have been unable to update for some time. Also, not a lot has happened. Life continues to go on at the ranch. Today was my day off, so I went to Craig and did some shopping. I found some good deals on Western belts and shirts, some groceries, and some gorgeous new cowgirl boots! They were not a super good deal, but I am still excited about them. We have to wear them every day, so I needed some good ones that didn't hurt my feet. The loaners I had from the barn weren't doing the trick.

I have made a sticker chart for myself. I decided that this is a summer of overcoming fears. So I wrote down categories of things I'm afraid of (snakes, boys, authority figures, rock climbing, mountain biking, and confrontation), and every time I do something I'm afraid of in those areas, I get a sticker. Obviously these are not my deepest, darkest fears--I don't want to post those on the wall on a sticker chart. Also, they are things that I think I can reasonably overcome during this time period.

"Real" guests are here for the first time this week. It's definitely a faster pace than the winter. I was overwhelmed yesterday. I think it will take some time to get used to it. There are some really cute kids here, though. One little four-year-old girl, Ava, is a stitch. I was talking to her at breakfast yesterday, and she saw my Cinderella watch and asked, "Isn't Cinderella for kids?" Kids and me, Ava. Kids and me.

Yesterday I hiked up to Hinman Lake. It's about 20 min above the ranch (it's weird to think of distance in "above" and "beneath"). It was absolutely gorgeous. I followed the trail beyond the lake until I came to a fence with a "Private Property--No Trespassing" sign. This was frustrating because I could actually see the ranch from where I was, but I turned around and went back. When I got back to the lake, I didn't like the idea of taking the exact same path and decided to walk around the other side of the lake. There was no trail per se, but there seemed to be a little deer trail and I thought I could follow it. Well, I forgot to take into account that deer are four-footed creatures with hooves adapted to climbing steep slopes and tiny ridges in the Rocky Mountains. I ended up hanging on to tree branches for dear life and inching along some parts on my butt. I had also seen tracks earlier that I thought might be mountain lion tracks, and every little noise made my heart jump into my mouth. I kept talking to myself and singing loudly to try to keep it away because I heard that they are afraid of loud, confident-seeming creatures. This is why I hike alone.

I am excited to wear my new clothes to work tomorrow!

I'm it!

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
1. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
2. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read the player’s blog.
3. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

Q. What were you doing 5 years ago today?
1.Working at Glen Eyrie for a Nav summer training program
2. Housekeeping for the Glen
3. Learning about honesty with God
4. Hiking to the Punch Bowls
5. Dreading lunch set up

Q. 5 things on your to do list today (well, Monday)
1- Take out the trash
2- Hike to Hinman Lake
3- Write a new blog update
4- Ask Anita if I can borrow her car to go to town tomorrow
5- Hunt down some chocolate and eat it

Q. 5 snacks you enjoy
Only 5? Ha!
1- Enteman's Devil's Food Chocolate Frosted donuts
2- Double Stuff Oreos
3- Flavored Triscuits or Wheat Thins with mozzarella cheese
4- Apples with peanut butter and raisins
5- Dove and Ghiridelli chocolate

Q. 5 things you would do if you were a billionaire
1- Go to grad school
2- Buy a castle in Ireland for a summer home
3- Open my missionary hospitality bed and breakfast
4- Own a horse
5- Buy a husband (just kidding). I second Ann's "have a lot of fun randomly giving money away."

Q. 5 jobs you have had
1- Guest ranch dining room server
2- Paraprofessional
3- Navigator staff
4- National Soil Erosion Lab summer employee
5- Residence Halls summer utility worker

25?

Right now I smell like sunscreen, grass, and sun-baked hair. I love it. It smells like summer and the outdoors. I got to spend some time outside today, just sweeping the walkways, but being out in the sun was great. We have our first "official" guest tonight--some folks who are having a wedding here. They have planted some new trees and, according to Dace, will be removing all the ugly yellow construction machines. However, I can still see some from my window. I can't wait until they're gone and this place goes back to peaceful, natural beauty.

Things have been going pretty well. It's nice to already be in the loop. Up to now it's been a busy whirlwind of preparation for opening. It feels a little strange having so much bigger and younger of a crowd than the winter. There are almost twice as many girls as guys, and most of the girls are still in college. I definitely had an "age check" moment when Rob was telling us a story about something that happened to him in 1987. To joke around with him, I said, "I was four years old in 1987," and Brooke, one of the other servers, pipes up with, "I wasn't even born in 1987!" I guess I deserved it for making fun of Rob. I still can't believe I'm going to be 25 in August. We're hosting a wedding at the ranch this weekend, and Steve walked in and said, "This could be your wedding someday!" Thank you for highlighting my singleness, Steve. It's been a bit of a struggle because there's sooo many younger, skinny, pretty girls here. Comparing myself to other girls has always been something that's hard for me. I just wish people wouldn't make comments that stir the dormant longings in me. So far, I have not gotten to know people on a deep level, but there does not seem to be anyone that I'm interested in.

Somehow I have veered topics. The rehearsal dinner tonight was good. The bride and groom are a lovely, friendly couple. Right now I am hanging out in with my housemates in Hallie and Anita's room. Overall, life is good.

Melodic Monday

Teresa and Anita treated me to a private concert of this song. :)

Oklahoma Hills by Hank Thompson

Many months have come and gone
since I wandered from my home
In those Oklahoma Hills where I was born
Many a page of life has turned
many a lesson I have learned
Yet I feel like in those hills I still belong

Way down yonder in the Indian nation
I rode my pony on the reservation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I was born
A-way down yonder in the Indian nation
a cowboy's life is my occupation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I born

But as I sit here today
many miles I am away
From the place I rode my pony through the draw
Where the Oak and Blackjack trees
kiss the playful prairie breeze
In those Oklahoma Hills where I was born.

Way down yonder in the Indian nation
I rode my pony on the reservation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I was born
A-way down yonder in the Indian nation
a cowboy's life is my occupation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I born

As I turn life a page
to the land of the great Osage
To those Oklahoma Hills where I was born
Where the black oil rolls and flows
and the snow-white cotton grows
In those Oklahoma Hills where I was born.

Way down yonder in the Indian nation
I rode my pony on the reservation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I was born
A-way down yonder in the Indian nation
a cowboy's life is my occupation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I born

Cowgirl Up!

Today the wranglers did the first "running in" of the horses, which is when they run them down the road from the pasture to the corral. Bekah let us stop work for a minute to go out on the porch and watch. They did it during the busy holiday time last winter, and it was always so beautiful and stirring, like watching the scene at the end of Hidalgo when they set all the wild horses free.

The horses started coming by, wranglers stationed along the road to urge them on. We watched as they galloped into the corral. Suddenly a pack of about ten of them broke loose and started looping back around the other way to the road. Bekah yelled, "Come on!" and started running. We blindly followed her. We ran to a fork in the road, where she said, "Some of you stay here, and someone come with me down here to keep them from running over the cattle guard." I followed her, still acting on instinct. "What do we do?" I asked Bekah, and she said, "Yell at them and wave your arms. They won't run over you."

I'm still slightly nervous around horses just because they're so big and could hurt me without meaning to. But they thundered around the corner, and Bekah shouted and waved her arms, and there was nothing to do but yell "Hey! Hey! Go the other way!" at the top of my lungs and wave my arms like a mad woman. And somehow it worked. Thankfully the horses don't care what you yell. Even though the wranglers were giving cowboy cries of "Hi-yup!" apparently "Hey, go the other way" works just as well.

It was actually a lot of fun. I felt like I was in a cowboy movie. As we walked back inside, we shared high fives with the housekeepers, who had blocked off another branch of the road with their truck. Servers and housekeepers save the day!

We've been reweaving the backs of the dining room chairs. The chairs were actually made in a prison in Indiana, which is amusing to me. We have to patch the parts that are broken or falling out. I thought it would be like a fun craft, but it's actually super frustrating. Once you start pulling out a piece, you pretty much have to reweave the whole chair. If you try to use little short pieces, they pull out when they dry. I was ready to throw mine out the window by the end of today. But we are splitting it up with fun activities, like making espressos and a treasure hunt to learn where things are kept. It's sooo helpful to have worked here before. I feel much less incompetent. Tonight is our practice barn dance, so that should be fun, too.

WOW!

I am back in Colorado, back at good old Vista Verde. Soon after we arrived, Dace pulled me aside and told me I'd be living in the Parlor, the new staff quarters that had been built during the off season. Sweet, I thought. Well, we got there, and I just about flipped out! The polite term of "rustic" that I used for the bunkhouse does not apply in any way! Best part--I am rooming with Teresa! We have our own bedroom with a bunkbed, our own bathroom, and we each have our very own closet! I don't know what to do with this much space! There are two more bedrooms, one with two girls and one with three, who share a suite-style bathroom. We definitely lucked out. Everything is new and beautiful. There's a kitchen! I can cook and bake! Downstairs in the basement is the common room with the TV, but it's all the way in the basement! There's yards of space and two doors we can close between us if we're trying to sleep. They also moved the fitness equipment to the basement. We have our very own home gym! I went to the bunkhouse to get some stuff that I stored there during the break, and I pitied those poor souls.

It's been fun to see everyone from last season. I still feel like I haven't met many new people, but that will come. Right now I'm going to shower and hit the sack and try to get used to this time change.

MY HOME IS AWESOME!

I've begun the whirlwind of madly packing up my life, which of course I put off to the last minute. I think part of me was in denial this time. It's definitely time for a change, though. I can't keep living with the rents and working for my cousin. Of course, if I had been planning on staying longer, I would have been on the look-out for a new situation. I think this lasted just the right amount of time. I don't know what I'll do when I come back, though...ok, one step at a time.

Thursday was the first time it really hit me that my time in Lafayette is almost over. There was always "one more thing" to look forward to, but the "We'll miss you" cookie at girls' night clued me in (thanks for the cookie, by the way, Kim and Sheena and whoever else engineered that! It was a fun surprise and very yummy!). I tend to live in denial for a while before I face some things, so I spent the rest of that evening pretending it wasn't really the last time I would see people. But then I had to hug everyone and tell them goodbye...it's really hard to pretend you're not leaving at that point. I cried on the way home, not surprising to those who know my tendency to be a "leaky faucet," I'm sure. Anyone up for a church transplant? The Rockies are beautiful this time of year!

I've been thinking about this song a lot. I'm not really a fan of Superchick (other than the classic "Princes and Frogs"), but I love the lyrics to this song.

"Pure"
This is my brand new day starting now
I let go the things that weigh me down
And rob me of the beauty that's to be found
And life all around
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above, my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

This is my brand new day in the light
Troubles rising up on the left and the right
I keep my eyes fixed on where i want to go, the rest will follow
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

This is my brand new day starting now
Letting go of the ways that i fall down
The old can be made new, the lost can be found, the lost will be found
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above my burden is easing
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

My soul is at ease and i am free
My soul is at ease and i am free

This is my day, my soul is at ease and i am free
(and i am free, and i am free)
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

What breed of dog are you?

Got this from Ann:

Wow, You're a Labrador Retriever!
Labrador Retriever
The Caretaker
Your family is what makes you tick, and you never "flea" from an opportunity to hang out with the whole gang. A family picnic complete with hot dogs, deviled eggs and a refreshing swim in the lake is hard for you to stray from. Your sparky temperament and dogged intelligence mean you are not only a blast to hang out with, but great to work with as well. Your close pals appreciate your patience and forgiveness, knowing you'd rather let sleeping dogs lie than dwell on the mishaps of the past. Your dashing good looks may one day lead to a modelling career, if only you can tame the unfortunate clumsiness that sometimes causes you to go flailing from the catwalk. Learn more »
FAMOUS LABRADOR RETRIEVERS: Bill Cosby, Jackie Onassis, Dr. Phil, David Beckham
LIKELY PROFESSIONS: Doctor, Sales Executive, Teacher

Tired

Well, my car did start. I don't know what was going on with it. Before I got in the second time, I stopped for a second and said, "Jesus, please start this car!" And He did. So thanks, Jesus!

Wow, what a looong week/weekend! I had no idea about these big "floral holidays." Last night I fell asleep on my bed while I was watching TV, probably around 6:30. I woke up at 1 am and realized that I was still in my jeans and hadn't brushed my teeth. I pretty much hadn't moved. So I quickly changed and attended to my oral hygiene and went back to sleep until 6 am. And I'm still tired enough to feel ready for an early bedtime tonight. This is one of the things that lets me appreciate singleness. If I had three kids to look after, no way could I have fallen asleep that early and stayed asleep so long. I'm sure I'll miss it when kids come into the picture. Not that it won't be worth it. I am just going to enjoy my hours of uninterrupted sleep while I can.

I am starting to gear up for my departure this Sunday. Packing, sorting, last-minute errands and work. I definitely have mixed feelings about leaving this time. It was really hard being away from fellowship and being with people who were mostly younger than me and did not necessarily spur me on to love and good deeds. I definitely learned and grew a lot from being in that situation, but the time at home has been so refreshing and healing and growing in a different, less abrasive way. Right now I'm thinking that I'd like to move back to Lafayette after the season. I'll need to find somewhere to work and hopefully somewhere else to live...but I want to be here. I'm tired of all the back-and-forth and I'm ready to put down some roots. I'm ready to have a "real" job and pay rent and use all the stuff that I keep saving for "some day when I have my own place." I don't want to be away over the holidays again if I can help it. So, if anyone knows of any good places to live/work starting in September...ok, I know, still a long ways off.

Right now I am frustrated because my car won't start. There's no good reason for this. This is my last time at RVC before I leave for Colorado, and I refuse to miss it. I am going to try my car again soon, and if it doesn't start, I will try calling people to see if anyone is going to the second service, even though I think almost everyone I have numbers for goes to 1st service. Grrrr!

This week has been really busy. The floral industry has been hoppin' for Mother's Day. The other girl who works there has also been out of town, so I've been learning a lot of new stuff like how to use the computers and how to "greens" a basket, which means sticking leaves of leatherleaf fern into a chunk of floral foam glued in a basket. Good times. Yesterday my cousin recruited our extended family to help her with all the Mother's Day craziness. My mom and I delivered together. It was fun to spend some time with her. Then, at 2 o'clock, my sister showed up to whisk me away to a surprise she had for me! She took me to Euphoria Spa downtown and we got pedicures! Getting pedicures is one of my favorite things, especially when I have a job that keeps me standing all day. It was sooo relaxing. Afterwards we went shopping to find shoes and jewelry to go with Shannon's new summer dress. We also hit the grocery store for supplies for the Mother's Day lunch we're making today. That should be fun, too.

Ok, time to try the car again!

Happy Monday

I went to see Made of Honor tonight. It was pretty cute, but a little smarmy for my taste. Plus, one of the people I went to see it with was very loud. She was that person you always turn around and look at in hopes that they'll see your displeasure and dial it down. Except when everyone turned around, there I was next to her, and I got their looks too. I felt like I should take her to the hall for a time out. So that may have tainted my perspective of the movie, too.

I cleaned 300 roses today. Apparently when a holiday is coming up, the order from the wholesaler gets doubled. But I didn't seem to be doing it fast enough, because my cousin came back and started doing them for me and told me to go vacuum. I think we might need to work on our communication. I took that as, "You suck at this, I'll have to do it myself, go vacuum." My mom pointed out that she might have thought I didn't like it and was trying to save me the task. I also worked for her last summer, but since then I have learned a lot about stepping up, being confident and making my own decisions, customer service and just a whole boatload of stuff, but I think she still sees me as the person from last summer. We're not super close and we never talk about issues like that, so there's no reason she should know that I'm any different, but I wish she wouldn't assume that I can only handle really menial tasks. Oh well, I'm only here for two more weeks.

Happy Monday, everybody!

God in me

Happy is not the right word for how I feel right now. Content, maybe--but that seems too lackadaisical. I feel a deep, settled happiness in my heart, apart from any circumstances. None of this feeling comes from the fact that I got to take a nap this afternoon or that I made cheesy garlic bread pizza for dinner (yum) or that I'm planning on some time with a glass of wine and my latest story characters after my parents go to bed. It's apart from that--much too deep to be affected by these surface events.

Two weeks ago I felt dazzlingly happy. I had just returned from a visit to Bloomington. I was apprehensive going into that weekend and wondering what it would be like to see my campus leaders and the students I used to work with. While I was there, though, I felt really affirmed that I wasn't supposed to have been there this year. Part of me always wondered how it would have worked out if I had different leaders or something, but God used that weekend to build confidence that college ministry was not where I was supposed to be this year, and I wouldn't have grown in the ways that I have if I had stayed.

I got the chance to visit Exodus church while I was there, the church that I started going to second semester. They had a guest speaker who spoke about the spiritual realm. It was one of the best talks I'd heard in a long time. I appreciated how he talked about the topic biblically, then shared his own experience. It made it clear that he was talking about God's heart and God's thoughts on the subject, not just crazy things he'd seen. His main verse was Matthew 11: 12 - "From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force." He also talked about John 10:10 - "The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He made the point that stealing, killing and destroying are violent actions and can't be met passively. He talked about the Jesus-given authority we have in the kingdom of heaven. He held up the keys to his Chevy Impala and said, "I have these keys, which means I control the car. I decide who else drives it, whether it's locked and unlocked, who has access to it and who I want in it or not. Having the keys means I have ownership." He said that Jesus gave us the keys to the kingdom, and we have that same kind of ownership and authority in the heavenly realms.

After the sermon, I knew I had to go back for prayer. My heart was heavy with what he'd said. The speaker (whose name I really wish I could remember) and his wife were waiting to pray with me. I didn't have any clear or collected thoughts for them, but I told them that I used to work for one of the campus ministries and I was visiting a place that I had left in a lot of hurt, and the day before, I'd felt a profound and inexplicable sense of depression. It was one of those times when I know that I know that the Holy Spirit was leading them in prayer because I just gave them that bare information, and the speaker said, "So you feel like your gifts weren't appreciated and you were rejected." Um, yes. Then he said, "Has it happened to you before?" Again, yes! Then they laid hands on me and prayed for me. They took authority over the spirit of rejection in my life and bound it and cast it out. Again, it was one of those times that I knew deep in my heart that the power was broken. There was no question or sense of "I don't think I made myself clear because they're praying for something different," just the words "It's broken" and a deep heart knowledge that the spirit of rejection was broken. They prayed lots of things for me, precious things full of scriptural truth. Then they asked me, "What do you love to do?" The two things that came to mind were "Write and be with children." As I was starting to leave after their prayer, the husband called me back and said, "Wait, I need to tell you something else. If you have something to write, write. Be an instrument through which the fragrance of God's word is diffused."

I was writing down the things they'd said in my journal after the service so I wouldn't forget them. When I wrote that one, I realized that for so long, when I'd tried to write, I'd felt guilty. It was either, "I should be having a quiet time" or "I'm going to write something that dishonors God" or "I should be living in the real world with real people instead of my fantasy world with my characters." While these have been issues at times, I realized that the enemy had built a lie in me and made me believe that I shouldn't write. I felt violent then! Since then, it's been so great to look back at old stories and recapture that love for sharing through words and characters and plots and language. It's good! It's a gift from God to me.

That spiritual high carried through the week. It kind of took a hit when I had a frustrating conversation toward the end of the week. I had asked to talk with this person hoping that I could resolve some junk, but I felt like it just dug up the old junk and made me even more on my guard with them. I've since had to think through it and think about what is true, what are my own misconceptions, what did they really say as opposed to what did I hear, but it is still frustrating. The point was to resolve junk, not to creat new junk that I now have to wade through.

The service today was fantastic, though. It's been so long since I've felt able to fully engage with God in worship, but today I just loved on Him and felt His love flowing back to me. I got prayer after the service again, and the result has been this settled, heart-happy peacefulness. Dare I call it joy?

LONG day! But a good day. I got to hang out with Noah while Kim went to the dentist this morning. He is very active and talkative. Apparently he is into naming things and showed me my eyes, ears, nose, hair, etc, and then his own: "Noey's hair, Noey's mouth," etc. He also was into wearing my stuff--through the course of the morning, he wore my watch, my bracelet and my shoes. It was pretty darn cute, but I had to reclaim my bracelet when he tried to put it on Chester. :) After he got tired of my shoes, he put them back on my feet and walked around with the biggest-size plastic cups that fit inside each other (whatever you call those) on his feet, proudly pointing to them and saying, "Noey's shoes!" My favorite was when we were both sitting in the recliner watching Cars, and he turned around, stuck his tongue quickly in and out like a snake, then announced, "Tongue!" and laughed. His laugh is pretty stinking adorable. I got to hold little miss cutie Callie while Kim finished getting ready, too. I had her for about ten minutes, and she made good use of that window of time to throw up on my shirt. I didn't really mind, though--I came mentally prepared, and when I was wiping off her face, she almost smiled at me. She is going to have the cutest smile. When I was leaving, Kim told Noah to say thank you, and he said, "Thank you, Kels!" It pretty much made me melt.

It was a long day at the flower shop. With the amount of work that's available right now, I've been leaving generally around 1:30-2, so I haven't been working enough hours to take a lunch. Today happened to be one of the days that I actually needed to stay later. It also happened to be the day that I decided not to eat breakfast. I didn't get off until 4:30 and all I'd had was coffee. My metabolism wasn't going, so I wasn't so much hungry as cranky and shaky. The good thing about being that food-deprived is that whatever you eat next tastes AMAZING. I ran to Panera and grabbed a bite, and then to Exotic Thai where I met Kimberley, a family friend who does counseling, to ask her some questions about grad school.

It was really helpful talking with Kimberley. She has lots of practical experience and encouragement. The most encouraging thing she said was when I asked her if it was hard to spend all of her working days with maladjusted, angry, dysfunctional people. She said, "Honestly, I don't see them that way. I pray to see the beauty in them, and God always shows beauty. They are opportunities for Jesus to be born in them, and I get to be the midwife." That is so wonderful.

After that, I met my sister at the mall and we picked out a dress for her to wear to summer weddings and events. We found a beautiful red dress at the Limited. It looked so great on her. Sssmokin'! I love shopping, even if it's not for me.

I intend on writing a "deeper" post soon about the stuff God's been doing in my life. But right now, it's almost 11 and I need to go to bed. Have a great Thursday, everyone!

Joy

–noun

1.	the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2.	a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.

3.	the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4.	a state of happiness or felicity.

–verb (used without object)

5.	to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.

–verb (used with object)

6.	Obsolete. to gladden.

The word "joy" occurs in 209 verses of the NIV version of the Bible. Joy is also my middle name. I plan on doing some sort of word study in the near future. More to come...

Quick question

Do any of you RVCers know what time the baptismal service is this Sunday? Since I wasn't at church last Sunday to note it, I figured I could look it up on the website, but it wasn't listed under events. My family's going out of town this weekend, but I really want to be back in time for the baptisms. So...anyone? Beuler?

Melodic Monday--Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior, both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

At the cross you beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

Earthquake!

So, like many of you, I woke up around 5:40 to feel the house shaking. Our house is kind of loosely constructed, and I thought at first that it was thunder shaking it, but this was more like a rolling feeling, like being on a really windy sea. My first thought was "Earthquake!" and then my second thought was, "We don't have earthquakes here. Maybe something exploded near our house (gas tank, plane crash)." However, I heard my dad get in his car and drive off to work. For some reason that is one of the most assuring sounds to me--that and his car returning home. Just the assurance that life is going on as planned. Also, I am not at all a morning person, and I don't process anything too well at 5:40 am. I wasn't even scared by the thought of a plane crash. It was simply too early to be awake and I went back to sleep.

When I woke up this morning there was a note from my mom asking if I'd felt the earthquake. She said it happens here about every 20 years. This was interesting because one of my early childhood memories is of my Dad carrying me down the hall, wrapped in a towel because I had just finished my bath, and then the house starting to shake. It was just like this morning's, over very briefly, and as a child I wasn't even concerned, just curious. Since it was on such a small scale, I think it's kind of cool to have experiened this natural phenomenon twice!

Yay!

I woke up this morning with killer cramps and the feeling that the very last thing I wanted to do was go to work, and the very first thing I wanted was to curl up on the couch. I was making breakfast when the phone rang. It was my cousin saying that she didn't really have anything for me to do today and I didn't need to come in. YAY! I made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and then curled up on the couch with season 3 of Friends for a couple hours. If only every day could be like that. Well, then I'd be broke, but still...

I got my hair cut today. I would like to take this opportunity to put in a plug for Samson and Delilah's Salon and Spa on Ferry St. They did an awesome job cutting and styling my hair, plus it is a very nice AND reasonably priced place with lots of complementary amenities. Before the girl cut my hair, she gave me a back massage, and while she was cutting it, one of the other girls gave me a mini hand treatment. They also offer you free beverages--I saw one customer with a glass of wine. They are all about creating an "experience" for you--they let you choose from four scents and use products that are all that scent--the shampoo and conditioner, massage oil, and hand lotion. I thoroughly enjoyed my experience. :)

God's small graces

I have been worried about money lately. As I think I've stated before, I really suck at managing it. All the things I need to get/do before I go back to CO have been swimming through my mind. One of the (dumb and counterproductive) things I do when I get upset is go shopping. Not going to help when what I'm worried about is money, I know, but I convince myself that if I buy something small it will be okay. Of course, the small things have a way of adding up...like this time, I bought a bunch of makeup. I was shocked when it was totalled up at the register but I really wanted the makeup (one of the idols I've been realizing since the past 2 Sundays' sermons is my appearance) so I bought it. Later, though, I knew I had to take it back, so except for a couple things that I honestly had run out of, I returned it. Once I got back home my mind started going again--"I really do need new mascara, too...I don't need Mary Kay, but I really like it the best...how am I going to get Mary Kay delivered out to the middle of the Rockies...should I even bother spending that much on mascara?" Then my mom walked into my room with a little pink box. "Is this the kind of mascara you wear? A lady at work was giving it away." It WAS the kind of mascara I wear! Exact color and code # and everything. God is so amazing, and I love how He fulfills our little, "trivial" desires as well as the big whopping problems in our lives.

I've been wanting to post this song for Melodic Monday for a while. I heard it on our roadtrip and I thought it was hilarious. It reminds me of myself...although I don't think I'd have the courage to talk to the boy.

Taylor the Latte Boy by Kristin Chenoweth

There's a boy who works at Starbucks
Who is very inspirational.
He is very inspirational because of many things.

I come in at 8:11, and he smiles and says, "How are you?"
When he smiles and says, "How are you?"
I could swear my heart grows wings!

So today at 8:11
I decided I should meet him
I decided I should meet him
In a proper formal way.

So today at 8:11 when he smiled and said "How are you?"
I said "Fine, and my name’s Kristin"
And he softly answered, "Hey."
And I said "My name is Kristen, and thank you
for the extra foam…"

And he said his name was Taylor,
Which provides the inspiration for this poem:

Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him…

So I’d like to get my nerve up
To recite my poem musical.
He would like the fact it’s musical
Because he plays guitar.
So today at 8:11, Taylor told me he was playing
In a band down in the village
in the basement of a bar.

And he smoothly flipped the lever
to prepare my double latte,
But for me he made it triple!
And he didn’t think I knew
But I saw him flip the lever,
and for me he made it triple,
And I knew that triple latte meant
that Taylor loved me too!
I said, "What time are you playing?
And thank you for the extra skim…"
He said, "Keep the $3.55,"
because this triple latte was on him.

Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him…

I used to be the kind of girl who'd run
when love rushed toward her.
But finally a voice whispered "Love can be yours,
if you step up to the counter, and order."

Taylor, the latte boy
Bring me java, bring me joy
Oh Taylor the latte boy
I love him, I love him, I love him.

So many years my heart has waited,
Who’d have thought that love could be so caffeinated?
Taylor, the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him.
I love him, I love him, I love him.

Biting the bullet

So, I have taken the bull by the horns. Bitten the bullet. Taken the plunge. Any other metaphorical cliches you care to use. Tonight at life group I received some good solid prayer, and of course, God brought it right back to where I really knew it was, but where I was afraid to let it go. Basically, I did something I should have done back in October. I will be happy to tell you more if you are interested, but it would make for a long and complicated blog. In a nutshell, I'm going to talk to someone that I should have already talked to.

Fort Wayne was fun! It was good to see the brother and spend some time catching up with him. He showed me around town and took me to dinner, and today we went hiking at Chain-o-Lakes state park, a place we went camping when we were really little but hadn't been since then. My shoe came off in the mud, and I had gaping holes in my socks, so my toes got completely mud-covered. Of course the brother laughed when I was hopping around in a mud puddle on one foot. I would have laughed at him, too. The highlight of my visit was definitely riding the 2-story caurosel in the mall! I rode an elephant on the top story. So fun! We rented Vertigo last night--I have been on an Alfred Hitchcock kick lately. I think he is pretty much amazing. I had a disturbing dream after watching Psycho, though. On Friday I saw a guy in Panera with the same haircut as the killer from No Country for Old Men, and in my dream, I had to bring him home with me. He asked me to bring him home, and I knew I couldn't refuse because he was a killer and there was no telling what he'd do if he didn't get his way. So he came home with me and spent the night lying next to me on my bed. He kept asking me what my family was doing and playing with his pocket knife. I knew I couldn't go to sleep because then he would get up and kill my family. However, I wasn't afraid in my dream--just aware. I knew somehow that if he tried to kill my family, I could easily stop him.

I am glad I made it home in time for life group, and glad that God doesn't give up on me even when I run the other direction with my fingers in my ears.

p.s.

p.s. After reading my last post, I realize that I seriously use the word "seriously" too much.

Sunday

I might be absent from the blog for a few days. I am going to Fort Wayne to visit the brother tomorrow. I missed his birthday on my road trip, so I am taking him birthday brownies and his birthday present. Plus, I have never seen his place since he moved up there. I can't believe how long it's been since I've seen my family. I'm not so used to this long-distance family thing. Anway, I should be back sometime Tues evening--hopefully in time for life group, but I am not sure.

I went to the video store and rented Psycho and The Sting this afternoon. Both great classic movies. I had never seen Psycho before. WOW. Outstanding acting, outstanding direction--unbelievably creepy. But it is definitely a work of art. There were moments when I got goosebumps because the filmography (is that even a word? I don't think so...) was so good. I'm watching The Sting now. Robert Redford and Paul Newman. Yes, please.

So...I have been thinking since church this morning. Thankfully, Tony's sermons have that effect on me. I haven't been thinking about the sermon per se, though...more about an old problem that the sermon reminded me of. Basically, I feel like God is prompting me to speak to someone, but I just feel too weird about it. "Hi...I know we've never really talked before, but I feel like God wants me to talk with you about the issues I have with leadership. Can we chat?" Feeling "weird" is not really a good reason not to obey God, but it's one that I have a seriously hard time overcoming.

As if this post isn't weird. I don't really know what I want to say sometimes. I guess I am just looking for reassurance, or someone to tell me to get off my butt and do it, or someone to say they've had a prophetic word from God for me. Somehow that would make it seem less "weird" to me. I think I should seriously try to make it home in time for LG, because evidently, I seriously need some prayer.

The most exciting part of my day by far--the Yenerichs having a little baby girl!! I am so happy for them. I really wanted it to be a girl! Noah gets to be a big brother to her...how cool!!

I met Jonell and Sheena for tiny group tonight. Very fun to see them again, and to see Frank and Sheena's new house! I had a really bad headache, though, so I didn't get into the conversation much. I took some Advil earlier so I kept waiting for it to kick in, but I had to take another one afterwards. It is still not gone completely. I think I am going to drink some tea and go to bed soon.

I feel like I'm in a weird place in life right now. I'm not fully invested in Colorado, and since I have such a short time here, and I'm leaving again, I don't feel like I've caught up from the time I missed and I don't have time to become fully invested again. It's a little confusing. I don't like transient existence. I'm all for change and travelling, but I'm realizing how important it is to me to have a home base anchoring me down during all of it. I don't know where that is right now, or if I can really have it right now. Lately I've been seriously longing for marriage and babies--probably prompted by people in circumstances around me. It's always been a longing for me, and sometimes I'm perfectly content to be single, but right now I just want to settle down and start living. 25 is staring around the corner. I don't want to think about that.

Okay, tea time...

Well, I am officially not an unemplyed bum anymore. My cousin needs some help with her flowershop, and I need some extra income, so we are a perfect match. I only work 11 am-4 pm, though, so still feel free to give me a call! I would love to see you or talk with you! Right now I am planning on getting up early and using my mornings to have a quiet time and work out...that hasn't worked out so well in the past, but I'm hoping it does now. I don't want to get lazy in my time off.

I made peanut butter cup brownies today for LG party tomorrow. I'm looking forward to going! Church was so good on Sunday. It was exactly the spiritual filling I'd been craving in Colorado. It made me think, though. I don't want to leave it again this summer. I prayed about my decision to return to the ranch and I believe it's the right one, but my heart is still going to be here with RVC. I want so much to spend time at RVC and with people there, learning from them and absorbing their knowledge and passion and heart. I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life after the ranch, but I do know that I want the things I was learning and growing in at RVC while I was there to be a key part of it.

I've also been thinking about overseas missions. I used to feel this laid on my heart really strongly, but now I'm not sure what part I'm supposed to play in it. I don't want to confuse what God is telling me with what I am in the habit of thinking and believing. So, if you read this and think of me, please pray with me that God will reveal His plan and will to me.

Yep, I think that's all the important things for now. Thanks so much, and love to you, my faithful readers!

Melodic Monday

This is a song from the CD that Elisha and I listened to over and over on our road trip. I fell in love with it because of the idea that there is still someone out there free sailin', maybe calling my name.

Free Sailin' by Hoyt Axton

Windy Friday, she walked into a
Situation that would not soon let her go
If she ever decides to leave here,
Such a woman's been a pleasure just to know

She must have heard me call her name
When I was free sailin'
She must have heard me call her name
When I was alone

I have never seen before me
Another face that can please me like she does
In the morning, in the evening
I thank the stars above for my one and only love

She came to me like a whirlwind
A silk tornado with cyclones in her eyes
If I live to be a thousand
I will never cease to become mesmerized
by her

She must have heard me call her name
When I was free sailin'
She must have heard me call her name
When I was alone
She must have heard me call her name

Home sweet home

I am so glad to be back! What a trip! We got in at about 5 o'clock this morning. We left Laramie, Wyoming yesterday and drove across Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois and Indiana. We feel that those states definitely make up the worst part of the union, esp Nebraska. Talk about a whole lot of nothing. We got pulled over just this side of the Wyoming border for doing 88 in a 75 zone. The officer asked if there was any particular reason for our hurry, and we wanted to say, "We are just trying to get out of your godawful state as quickly as possible!" Of course we didn't. He actually gave us a break and only cited us for going 10 mph over, which knocked the fine down $50. So, it was a long day, but totally worth it to be at home now.

The day before, we drove from Berkley to Laramie, with stops in Tahoe, Virginia City and at the ranch to pick up some more of our stuff. Tahoe was one of the most beautiful places yet. Virginia City was pretty fun--they have tried to keep it like an old west town. It has board sidewalks and lots of nostalgia stores. Elisha was in heaven. She is now considering moving there and opening up a Bonanza memoribilia store. The stop at the ranch was supposed to be quick, just load up our stuff and say a quick hi and get back on the road, but we managed to get the car stuck in the mud. Ugh. I have never seen anything like it. I thought mud was just mud, but the entire place was like a giant hog wallow. I guess that's what happens when 4 feet of snow starts to melt. I am glad that I'm not going back for a while until it's hopefully dried up. But we got to hang out and chat for a while, and that was fun.

Today has been spent sleeping, showering, catching up with my dad and trying to get started with the unpacking. My mom is due home from NYC any minute, and my sister and I are planning on hanging out tomorrow. Then I am going to RVC on Sunday--YAY! I'm so looking forward to it and to seeing everyone then!

Things I have learned on this roadtrip:

- There are no service stations for about 70 miles after you cross into Utah
- Hoyt Axton CDs can be played over and over and not grow old
- The movie No Country For Old Men provides endless topics for discussion
- As does the TV show Bonanza
- Stalking people really works
- The desert can be beautiful
- Arizona is called the Grand Canyon State because there is truly nothing else in the state
- Road signs provide hours of entertainment
- The west coast is stunningly beautiful
- Warm weather is DELIGHTFUL after living with four feet of snow
- I love traveling, but I also love having an anchorage to return home to
- Sushi, when eaten by the coast in California and not in landlocked Indiana, is delicious
- Redwoods are beautiful trees
- Monterey is the town I would want to live in if I lived in California
- San Francisco is the town I would visit the most frequently if I lived in California
- There are too many people in California for me to ever really want to live there
- Cable cars make for the cutest San Francisco memoribilia
- Ghiridelli really is the best chocolate in the whole world
- Big cities make me feel claustrophobic if I stay too long
- I miss people at home A LOT!
- I am not as patient, loving, easygoing or slow to anger as I thought I was
- God is infinitely forgiving of this and the only One who gives me the grace to cope

Check Facebook for San Francisco pics--they say it better than I could here!

Melodic Monday

Less Than the Song by Hoyt Axton

I am less than the song I am singing
I am more than I thought I could be
Spent some time as a child in daydreamin'
As a young man I sailed on the sea.

Then come stand by my side where I'm goin'
Take my hand if I stumble and fall
It's the strength that you share when you're growin'
That gives me what I need most of all

Different minds, different changes
Different reasons to believe
Some far journeys we have taken
Some sweet dreams we've had to leave.

And I want you to be happy
And I hope you always will
For I cannot rest easy
'Til all your dreams are real
'Til all your dreams are real.

All your dreams are real, pretty mama
All your dreams are real
All dreams are real, sweet mama
All your dreams are real.

I am less than the song I am singing
I am more than I thought I could be
Spent some time as a child in daydreamin'
As a young man I sailed on the sea...

Update

Well, friends, I am now in San Francisco. I feel like a gypsy. In LA we did the Walk of Fame and the Chinese theater, where I discovered that I have bigger feet than John Wayne. We spent the next couple days in Malibu stalking Pernell Roberts. For those of you who have never heard of him, he's an actor who played Adam Cartwright on Bonanza and Trapper John MD, among other roles. He's Elisha's second favorite actor of all time--Bonanza is her favorite show ever and Adam is her hero. He is 79 years old now. So anyway...to make a long story short, we were driving down the Pacific Coast highway, and we saw him driving the other direction. We immediately pulled a U-turn and followed him home. He was still sitting in the seat of the van when we pulled up, and he was very nice and charming when we approached him. He signed a movie of Elisha's that had him in it and told a funny story about the lead, Randolph Stott. Then he let us take some pictures with him. I heard that in the past he wasn't always very accomodating to fans, but we figure at this point, he's probably glad to still have some, especially from our generation.

We then drove up to Santa Cruz, where we stayed with Elisha's friends. They have a family of 7 mostly grown children--the youngest is 16. They were really a great family and a lot of fun to hang out with. Elisha grew up in Aptos, so we spent some time visiting some of her old friends and hang-outs. Saturday we went to Monterey to see the aquarium and Cannery Row (yeah John Steinbeck!), and to Carmel for lunch. Carmel was such a rich, snobby little place. We also did the 17 Mile Drive along the coast--absolutely beautiful. On Saturday, we actually got in the ocean. It was FREEZING! I had also forgotten that the ocean was that powerful. Those waves were definitely stronger than me. I admit I wimped out soon, but we got to do some boogie boarding, and that was great. I would love to do it longer if it were warmer out and I were more confident in my swimming abilities. That night we had a bonfire on the beach. There was a fully moon and stars--it was heartachingly beautiful.

Today we went to church and drove up to San Francisco. We are staying with Anna in Berkley. Tomorrow we're going into town to see the sights. Catch y'all on the flip side!

Roadtrip Synopsis

I am sitting in our motel in LA as I write this. It's a been a full past couple of days. Since the last time I posted, we drove from St. George, Utah, where we stayed with friends of Elisha's and went to Zion National Park with them. From there it was on to the Grand Canyon. It was absolutely awe-inspiring. I wish we could have spent more time there. We only had time to drive to a couple view points. I would love to go back and hike to the bottom--then I would feel like I actually "touched" the Grand Canyon (in the ASL sense, Kim ;)). Right now I feel like I was just looking at a giant painting or something. From the Grand Canyon, on to Phoenix. Phoenix was beautiful. 80 degree weather, and it's their spring, so there are wildflowers blooming in the desert. We met up with some friends of Elisha's who were there for spring break and went to the Phoenix Zoo. It'd been years since I'd been to the zoo. It was a lot of fun, as was the fact that I wore short sleeves, flip flops and a skirt.

Last night we went to the Wayne Newton concert. This story requires some background: Elisha is in the National Guard and was in Iraq for a year. While she was there, she was part of Wayne Newton's security detail when he came over for his USO tour. She brought a picture of them together that had been taken then for him to sign. Before the show, she showed it to the lady selling Wayne Newton souvenirs and asked her if she thought Wayne would sign it. It turns out the lady was his mother-in-law. She sent it back to be signed, and a few minutes after, a lady came out and said we could be part of the meet-and-greet with Wayne before the concert. So we went back with a bunch of Wayne-iacs (as Elisha informed me his fans are called). We all got a picture taken with him. He kissed Elisha on the lips before her picture and kissed me on the cheek after mine (I dodged him--I really don't want my first kiss to be from Wayne Newton). Then he called Elisha back so we could get one with the three of us and kissed her again afterwards. He was kissing all the ladies. We were definitely an average of 40 years younger than everyone else. It was really exciting because it's the closest encounter I've ever had with a famous person, but still, I have not become a Wayne-iac. During the concert, he dedicated Moon River to Elisha. I am glad that we went because I know it meant the world to Elisha. But I will be ok if I never see Wayne Newton again. He is a very nice man, though, and very patriotic.

Today we drove to LA. I am kind of overwhelmed by LA. I love the ocean, but I feel distracted from that natural beauty by the monstrous megalopolis towering over me. We just got in this evening, so we drove to Malibu and got some coffee and walked around a little. Tomorrow we are doing the Walk of Fame, Groman's Chinese Theater and Rodeo Boulevard. Should be busy. I am happy because this is the turning point. Up to now, we were going farther and farther away from home. From here we turn north, then back east. I'm glad to be doing all this, but it is so much, and at moments I feel overwhelmed. Elisha is the kind of person that doesn't like to be tied down anywhere--she wants to be moving from place to place and always going somewhere new. I love to travel, but I also love to come home, and have roots and a loved place and people to return to. I don't like to stay there forever, but I don't like to leave it forever, either. Right now I am feeling really homesick. I lost my cell phone in Colorado so I don't have any numbers except my parents (oh yeah--so if anyone wants to e-mail me their number, I would love that), but I haven't even called them because I think I would break down and cry for no good reason. I think that once we get out and start doing stuff tomorrow, I'll start having fun, but tonight I just want to curl up between my parents on our couch at home and hang out with the bro and sis. I bought a calling card today, so I will try to make contact soon.

Carry Me By

I sit here and think of all that You've done
How You even gave me Your one and only Son
I'm trying to fathom all that You are
But so far, Lord, You're so beyond me

I fall down in reverence, I fall down in fear
And I'm asking You, Lord, won't you please draw near?
Won't you open my eyes so that I can see
The ways that You are working in me

All I need is Your love
To come and fill this heart of mine
My heart is a desert that has gone dry
I need Your love to carry me by

I lay down my life; I put it before you
All that I am is in Your hands
I'm not gonna question why You're so faithful
Or why that You give me the blessings that You have
Let Your glory be known, let Your glory be shown
To lift You up unto the throne
You are my God, You are my King
To You I give, I give You everything

All I need is Your love
To come and fill this heart of mine
My heart is a desert that has gone dry
I need Your love to carry me by
All I need is Your love, my God
Carry me by

- Sean McDonald

On the Road Again!

As I write this, all my bags are packed and I'm getting ready to leave beautiful VVR for a few months. Elisha and I are taking the grand road trip home. Today we drive to Utah to stay with her friends near Vegas, then spend some time checking out their area (Mt. Zion National Park!). From there, on to Arizona, where we will view the Grand Canyon, Mesa Verde and, thanks to Elisha, Wayne Newton in concert. On to southern California--Malibu, LA, up the coast to Elisha's hometown of Watsonville, Monterey to see Cannery Row and John Steinbeck memorabilia, San Francisco to see Anna and the sights there, back to Nevada so Elisha can scope out a future sight for her ranch ;), staying with Anita in Nebraska, and then HOME! I really can't wait to be there. I'm sure the trip will bring many interesting blogs along the way!

Come back home again real soon!

Top 5 Favorite Memories of Vista Verde:

1. Doing the dishes on New Year's Eve after the power outage in our pajamas and snow boots
2. A night drinking wine with Teresa and talking about boys, God, and what have you
3. Vegas, baby!
4. Wearing my cowboy boots down to dinner and slip-sliding all the way until Elisha practically had to carry me--the result was much laughter
5. Night snowshoe during orientation week--the first time I saw the amazing Colorado stars

Hold on

Thanks to all you RVCers who warmly welcomed my sister last Sunday! She loved the service and the people and enjoyed the newcomers' pizza (thanks for talking her into it, Jonelly!)

We had our "end of the season bash" last night. It was a lot of fun. We had a slide show with lots of different pictures from the season. Ben thanked us and said a few "words," then opened it up to let anyone who wanted to say a few words. It was really great to hear people's takes on the season and things they had learned and observed. I have been doing a lot of pondering on what I've learned, too--probably a later post will emerge from that.

I got a really bad haircut today. I told the lady I wanted the same style, just trimmed up, and showed her a picture of Jessica Alba to show her what I wanted my bangs to look like. Suffice it to say, I do not look like Jessica Alba. She went way too short and went crazy with layers. Hopefully by the time I get home it will have reached a decent length.

Here is a song that I love by Steven Curtis Chapman that I have been thinking about lately:

I have come to this ocean
And the waves of fear are starting to grow
The doubts and questions are rising with the tide
So I'm clinging to the one sure thing I know

I will hold on to the hand of my Savior
And I will hold on with all my might
I will hold loosely to things that are fleeting
And hold on to Jesus
I will hold on to Jesus for life

I've tried to hold many treasures
They just keep slipping through my fingers like sand
But there's one treasure that means more than breath itself
So I'm clinging to it with everything I am

Like a child holding on to a promise
I will cling to His word and believe
As I press on to take hold of that
for which Christ Jesus took hold of me

Hold on for life

Melodic Monday

When the dancers took to the promenade
My heart leapt high, and I was unafraid
Of the feelings I'd stifled for so many years
Tell me, how do you, how do you feel?

Well the band took their places and got all in tune
And then the caller's voice,
Well it rang out beneath the moon
And then the boys took their girls and they started to reel
And they were singin' how do you, how do you feel?

And then the people in the town said that they'd call the police
If we didn't keep down all this disturbin' their peace
And Officer Black, you know he answered their pleas
And he ran up on the hill just to see

Well, he hid in the bushes just a stone's throw away
And then we all saw this change comin' over his face
He was bouncin' to the beat and hoppin' on his heels
Singin' how do you do, how do you feel?"

And then the townspeople asked him if he'd make some arrests
Could they find peace and quiet so they could go back to bed?
He said, "If it's peace that you want, you're gonna find it on the hill
But the silence that you keep, it's the silence that kills."

So the townspeople all got so uptight and mad
You know, they fired him on the spot
And then they threw away his badge
Then they asked him to leave, and he said, "Gladly I will."
They said, "Tell us now - how do you feel?"

He said, "When the dancers took to the promenade,
My heart leapt high, and I was unafraid
Of the feeling I'd stifled for so many years
Tell me, how do you, how do you feel?"
- Rich Mullins