Monday, August 17, 2009

My first day as a 26-yr-old. Man, am I old. Not really, it just seems weird that I could be 26. Wasn't I 18 yesterday or something? And now I feel old for saying that. I feel like every year I'm disappointed by my birthday because I have too high of expectations. This year I didn't actually have any expectations since I'm in a new city where I don't really know anyone. Christina (the roommate) took me out to dinner at P.F. Chang's, and while we were there, she had her friend Kelsa, who stayed with us for a couple weeks while she was looking for a place to live, and Matt and Melissa, who live upstairs, come to our apartment and make a cake. It was really nice of her to do that and really nice of them to come. I was kind of sad that people had to be recruited for my birthday, but it was still really nice of them.

Classes start next week. I'm really looking forward to having something going on besides work. I'm taking Effective Biblical Interpretation and Understanding the Gospels and Acts. Two evening classes, Tues and Thurs, 5 credit hours. I have new student orientation next Friday and my first class September 1. I am pretty stoked for it!

Spiritually, I've been going through a rough patch. Without going into excessive detail, I've struggled more than I ever have with depression and hopelessness. I've prayed and prayed for God to release me from my job, and last Sunday, I realized that what I wanted wasn't just release from the job but release from the depression and hopelessness I feel about my job. It seems so obvious, but I realized that Jesus isn't limited by my job. I don't have to feel that way even while I have this job. I still want a new one, but it's not like Jesus can't lift me out of these feelings.

They say realization is half the battle, but I'm still really struggling with the other half. I really should have gone down front for prayer last Sunday at church, but I hate feeling so conspicuous, especially since I barely know people at church. I hate spilling my messy emotional guts to strangers--it's so embarrassing. I can't keep it "neat" and that bothers me. But I know I can't do this alone--I've been trying all week and it's not working. Every time I have hopeless thoughts or start to sink into depression, or any time I try to think about getting prayer, I get a headache and feel dizzy and nauseas. Which makes me think it's purely spiritual attack, all lies of the enemy, and not grounded in anything real in my life. Or maybe I just need to figure out where I've given the enemy a foothold for this. In any event, I would so love your prayers, especially that I'll have the strength to go forward for prayer tomorrow at church.