I finally tracked down Dace yesterday. It's officially confirmed--I'm coming back as a server this summer. I am a little disappointed about not being a kid wrangler. Dace made the comment, "Bekah values having you in the dining room because you're a good learner. It might take you longer, but once you finally do learn something, you get it." Thanks, Dace; why don't you just call me slow and stupid? I think a big part of why I have been so slow to learn is that I'm not a detail person, and our job is an endless litany of tiny details. Also, everything is so black and white (including our ugly man uniforms). I'm all about improvisation and creativity, and there just isn't room for that in the dining room. I understand that there needs to be uniformity, but I feel so constricted by it. Kids are one of my passions and what makes me really come alive. Making sure the coffee cup handles are at 4 o'clock does not light my fire. I'm tired of catering to stupid whims like people wanting half-caf soy lattes and demanding chopped parsley with their salad.
I talked to Dace again about it just to let him know that if a kid wrangler position opens up, I am really interested. It was a little frustrating because I think he thinks it's just about what I want. It is what I want, but it's also about my passions and abilities combining to be of the greatest benefit to the ranch. And I don't think that will happen as a server. I just don't care enough about straight tablecloths and what the correct appetizer utensil is.
Overall, though, I just want to be here for the summer. I told Dace I would do anything, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I was thinking about it more this morning, and the thought popped into my head, "I'm not detail-oriented enough to be a server. I'll never be good enough as a server." How many times is this "good enough" issue going to keep coming up? I think it's licked, and then it crops up again. I do feel like I've made strides in it since coming here, but not as far as I had hoped. I feel like I keep doing this big pendulum swing: "I have to get it perfect!" and then I realize my worth doesn't come from performance, and then I slide back into slacking on detail and punctuality and feel like I have to achieve perfection again. Back and forth. I guess the good thing about pendulums is that the swing gets less every time and continually gravitates toward the middle.
Lord, teach me how to find contentment in You, not in what I do or how well I do it. Show me how I can serve You this summer in the position You've placed me in.
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3 comments:
Not to burst your bubble but...
I cannot help but feel as if your being a server is actually a good thing for you. It will certainly be challenging you to grow in many ways. It seems to me like that is a good thing.
Though, I am totally with you on not feeling like putting the cups in their proper position is exciting and meaningful. I felt the same way when I was working on Kleenex products for Kimberly-Clark. Frankly, I think your Kleenex is good enough as it is! Anyway... I realized that I learned so much from that job that even if I was not doing what I wanted to do that was what God wanted me to do doing so that I would be stretched.
The bottom line is that I hope you can see past the kid wrangler stuff and look at serving as a growing experience and really enjoy it!
Good thoughts from Jonelly. The only other thing that I would add is about the pendulum. Satan is not an idiot...of course he is going to try to knock us down in our weakest area. There are areas that I have "conquered", but always have to be wary of the enemy, because he comes to try and take away what God has so graciously done in our lives. Besides, we're like onions...we have layers. We may conquered something at a certain level, but often there are deeper layers that need to be dealt with along the way that make it seem that the issue is never resolved. Take heart that God is working and stretching you. Looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks!
Let's not forget that it's going to be summertime. Summer on the ranch...I know, I've said it already...but I'm just reminding you that summer on the ranch is gorgeous. It doesn't sound like a perk, but you will appreciate your outdoor time that much more after working indoors as a server. I think the wranglers/guides tend to forget what a luxury it is to work outside all day. (And when it's crappy/raining outside, you definitely have the advantage!) :)
I miss you, friend. And, unfortunatly, I probably won't be seeing you soon. Talked to Dace yesterday...I'm sticking around BC for the summer. It was a difficult decision, for a lot of reasons. YOU were definitely a factor swaying me towards Colorado...but, in the end, it'll be wise for me to stay put.
I just want to go out for chai with you and talk about books, our Lafayette days, and ranch/grad school life. Until then, know that I am thinking of you! Hang in there...I'm sure you've done an incredible job for VVR this season (otherwise they wouldn't ask you to stay.) Trust me, they aren't afraid to ask people NOT to return. It happens more than you'd expect. Being asked to come back is a complement...well done!
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