Saturday, November 10, 2007

Retrospective musings

So, one of Jonell's posts got me thinking. Last year in Bloomington, my pastor preached a sermon on 2 Kings 4:12-17. Summarily, a woman convinces her husband to give Elisha lodging, and to thank her, he asks her to name anything he can do for her. She says, "Nothing." So Elisha asks his servant what she needs, and the servant says, "Well, she has no children and really no hope of having any." So Elisha calls her back and tells her that this time next year, she will have a son. She basically says, "No, don't even say that--don't toy with me." But God's promise is true, and she does have a son at the appointed time.

Pastor Matt asked us to consider what it was that we wanted from God but were afraid to ask for, and would say to God, "Don't toy with me," if He offered it us. The answer that came to me was "emotional healing." I was going through a really hard time of challenging God and feeling like He had made me promises that hadn't been fulfilled. One of those promises was of being restored and made whole in spirit. The year at IU was hard in a lot of ways, and I often felt drained and discouraged, and never restored. Verses like Isaiah 61:3 seemed to taunt me. I had thoughts that I wouldn't allow to take form, like "Maybe this is as good as it gets." When I finally faced God on the issue, it was with angry hurt and defiance.

I talked about it with my campus leader, Ken, he suggested that I read the book of Job. This took care of my anger and defiance pretty quickly. Job is a great book, if you haven't read it. Verses like, "It is unthinkable that God would do wrong, that the Almighty would pervert justice. Who appointed Him in charge of the whole world? If it were His intention and He withdrew His breath, all mankind would perish together and man would return to the dust," and when God Himself says, "Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself?" make it pretty hard to be anything but humble before our Maker.

My attitude was adjusted, but my heart still ached. The end of the year and decisions about whether or not to stay with Navs brought additional hurt and burdens. I talked with a counselor friend at my last Nav conference, and we were able to pray together and pinpoint more of this desire for emotional healing. I made some breakthroughs and sought some forgiveness with some people, all of which was good and healing. But my spirit still wasn't whole.

The summer was extremely disheartening. Two job possibilities, one in Colorado Springs and one in Florida, didn't pan out. I was looking for a job and living with my parents. My Bible reading turned into mindless formality. I came closer to depression than I've ever come. Once again, God's promises seemed empty and unfulfilled.

I didn't even know how far I'd fallen until God started lifting me back up. I knew it was time for me to move on from my parent's church, and my brother had mentioned a new church on the west side that one of his friends attended. I thought, "Why not?" So I went to RVC.

My first Sunday there, God grabbed my heart. The worship moved me to tears, and Tony's message was Biblically solid and really spoke to me. It was like a puzzle piece that I'd been trying to force in the wrong place had finally found its fit. And there was this lady I sat next to, Kim, who helped me fill out my welcome card and shared her NLT Bible with me. All through the next couple weeks, when I felt shy and socially awkward and tried to slip out the back door, Kim would pursue me. She invited me to her life group that was just starting up. I still felt shy and socially awkward, but I felt an even deeper desire for friendship and the vital, Spirit-filled life I saw in the people at RVC. And there was still an ache and desire for healing, even though I had managed to push it down and ignore it until I had forgotten it. I thought that what I had received that summer was as good as it was going to get.

It wasn't long until God started pursuing me again. He used several pictures dealing with water to speak to me. I was totally unused to this and had no idea what to do with it. Also, I was afraid. I was just like the wife saying, "No, my lord, do not mislead your servant." Don't make any promises You're not going to keep. Finally, I talked with Kim, who had been so kind and faithful to pursue me. She prayed with me, and right there, in Noah's bedroom, sitting on his new "big boy" bed, God met me. He touched my heart deeply in places I thought I had forgotten and flooded in His life and His power. Since then, I have been prayed for at RVC on more than one occasion, and God has brought out issues that I wasn't even aware of, or that I thought I had already dealt with and were as healed as they were going to be. God has even given me pictures and words for other people, something which never happened to me before. He's not just restoring me, He's using me.

I had forgotten about this sermon preached last March until I read Jonell's post about RVC becoming her home. Then I remembered the long-ago promise and my reaction to it. Can I even call it long-ago? Six months ago. But I, in my human, American mindset, didn't see immediate results and assumed that I was forgotten. But now I see that brought me to the right place, with the right people, at just the right time. His promises are true. His ways are higher than our ways. I used to think of that as a sort of excuse--God does something that seems mean, or seems like a broken promise, and we say, "Well, His ways are higher than our ways." But now, I've seen that lived out. I've seen Him, in His supernatural timing and wisdom, give me just what I needed just when I needed it. And I've seen how short my patience is. I want the quick fix--instant alleviation of the pain. But I wasn't willing to trust God in the hard times, or to believe that they were the gateway to good things and answered promises, and rely on His Spirit and His Word. But God has reminded me what a good God He is, and how His timing is ultimate and better and above mine. And His promises are always true. If He offers me something, I don't need to shrink back and say, "Don't mislead me, my Lord." It is not His character to tantalize me with false promises, or to dangle a carrot in front of me and pull it back. He desires wholeness and restoration for His people. And He has promised it.

...He [Jesus] found the place where it is written: "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because He has annointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." - Luke 4:17-19

That's His promise.

Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of His purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, He confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. - Hebrews 6:16-19

5 comments:

The Rock Star said...

Thanks for posting your story!! :)

Kim said...

Kels, your story is so encouraging. Thanks so much for sharing it. I'm so glad that God has met you and that He is healing you. Praise God! We are sooo going to miss you in Dec-March...but we'll save you a place when you get back. You are always welcome. :-)

Jessica Lee Becker said...

I don't know how this happened...

...but that was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm seriously speechless. Exactly what I needed to hear. Wow. God is faithful. Truly faithful. Amen!

The Rock Star said...

So, I was going to try to catch you at church to ask about the CO thing, but I failed. I must have gotten distracted or something. Anyway, I will see you Tuesday for more details. In the meantime, it looks like you are going to be leaving us for a while. Sad. Though, I think it will be good! Happy. :)

Anonymous said...

You're going to Colorado...and you're on Blogger...and you're awesome! It was so good to hear from you today, and I'm so glad that I'll be able to keep up with all your new adventures here :) Rambling English Majors, unite!