Soul-Searching

So, I am going to be a little more open in this blog than usual. I just really need to process some stuff out. And this blog is an excellent place to do that, not to mention the thoughts and feedback I get from my faithful readers!

I have been facing a lot of stuff lately with one of the other girls. I feel like she challenges all the things in me that I've always been the most secure in. I think part of the problem is that she's not very secure herself, so she's always throwing her accomplishments in our faces to compensate. Lately things have been happening, like her transcripts getting lost in the mail and having stomach problems. I understand that none of this is fun, and I wouldn't be happy about it either, but she completely goes to pieces. She cries and complains all the time and dumps on everyone and expects the world to offer her limitless sympathy--one of the other girls aptly applied the term "attention whore." I pray all the time for compassion because I know I don't have enough of my own, but it's like she uses it up instantly. She has a way of sucking my sympathy and energy and still needing more. And that's not enough for her--she expects endless condolence and empathy from everyone.

So anyway, I've been trying to figure out why this bothers me so much. I don't really care about the fact that she's needy--that's her problem, not mine. After much pondering, I realized it's because I am very much like her. I used to be an attention whore and want endless sympathy from the world. And it's not that I ever matured past that point, like I thought--I just got bitter and cynical and decided that people didn't care and if I didn't stop, they wouldn't like me any more. The reason that I get so upset is because I feel like it pays off for her--people here are so nice and try to take care of her. The indelibly imprinted ideas of "people won't like you" and "they really don't care" aren't true for her, and I feel like I've been cheated. I never want to stoop to that level again--she's also shown me how unattractive it is. But it's definitely shown me how I'm no better than her. I don't really know where to go from here--I don't ever want to be that person again, but I don't want to be bitter and cynical and merely covering up being that person. I don't know; I've never been any other person and I don't know where to go from here. I'm pretty certain that God is supposed to play some kind of role in this transformation, but I don't know where to start. I don't like this person that I am, and I know that I need to change, but I don't even like facing this. So, in short, prayers would be appreciated.