Praise You in the Storm

Hooray! Guests are gone. It's a great feeling. Today was the first day of work for the off season. I get to watch Steph's kids, which is great fun. Maggie, 3 yrs old, led a yoga class for us. Ella, 6 mos, has spent most of the day sleeping. Right now they are both down for naps, and I have some blessed free time on my hands.

Everyone had yesterday off. I went to breakfast and church, then spent the rest of the afternoon lying in bed watching special features from The Office. I napped somewhere in there, but I was lying in my bed until about 9 pm. I felt complete apathy toward anything that needed to be done, or the fact that I wasn't getting anything done. I didn't even have to shove the guilt under the rug--I just didn't care. I wondered if I'd ever want to do anything or be with people ever again. Today is better, though. It's been great playing with the kids, and I'm so glad I don't have to try to key up again for more people. Just people I already know and physical labor. Resting from the strained smiles, the forced cheerfulness when someone is snapping at you that you tried to kill them by serving them nuts (when it was only artificial almond flavoring), taking the blame for things that are not your fault and trying to look happy about it when all you want to do is tell them right where they can go--it's all over for two blissful months.

I do want to ask for prayers for Anita, the new head housekeeper and one of my closest friends here. She went home last Friday because her dad was in the hospital after suffering a massive heart attack, and he passed away Saturday night. It seems like she is doing well considering the circumstances. She's planning on coming back pretty soon after the funeral. Please send up a prayer for Anita and her family. Today's Melodic Monday goes out to them.

"Praise You In This Storm"
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Decisions have been made. I'll be here again for the winter. It's been a huge back-and-forth process. But there are some changes that make me really excited for the winter. It looks like I'll be able to take some intro counseling courses through Denver seminary while working. Also, I'll be switching to housekeeping. I need a change from the dining room. I am really excited for the opportunities you have to build relationships while housekeeping--you can actually talk while you work, not just run around like a chicken with its head cut off with four different chefs yakking at you. There are also regular hours, and evenings off, which will be great if taking classes pans out. Also, I have come to a place where I feel like I recognize that my gifts lie in behind-the-scenes work. I think it was good for me to be out in front for a while, to show that I could do it and that "gifts" wouldn't be something to hide behind, but now I realize that's really where I'm gifted, and I'm excited to have the chance to use it.

There are two more weeks of guests. Then staff starts to trickle out. I feel really fortunate to be able to stay here for the off season. I'll be heading home for a few weeks in November around Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to that, too. But mostly, I'm looking forward to things dying down around here. Life has been crazy since about half the staff left to start school again (haha, suckers!) and the rest of the staff has been trying to patch things together. It's been really hard in the kitchen because we've had a ton of people in and out lately, and everyone is on a different learning curve, and sometimes people forget this. I've really been struggling this past week--there's been a lot of tension. But I had a really good conversation with Ben where he told me, "Don't define yourself by what happens down there. That's like defining the cleanliness of your entire house by the toilet." I've also been reading Romans 8 and praying that the Spirit of Christ alive in me would put to death the misdeeds of the body, and that my mind would be controlled by the Spirit and be a mind of life and peace.

Melodic Monday - Hard to Get by Rich Mullins

Do You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth?
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt?
Do You remember when You lived down here, where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread?
Did You forget about us after Your had flown away?
Well, I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

Do You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin?
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness? Did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You are barely holding on and Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the one who loves me most
And after I have figured this, somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead and we cannot get free
Of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All these words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how you're leading me, unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along, I guess
It's just Your way, and You are just plain hard to get

Too long!

It's been too long since I've blogged! Things have been CRAZY! Oh my goodness. I don't even know where to start. So...Teresa left the ranch. She had some things she felt like she had to work out with family. That left me and Brooke as co-second in command when Bekah's not in the dining room. I love working with Brooke; she's awesome. But we had some problems with one of the other girls....WAY too long a story to write down here, but basically, she escaped being fired by the skin of her teeth, and she's been reassigned to watering plants. So we're down to four servers, and Maggie leaves at the end of this week, and Brooke leaves the 21st. So Amy and Mindy from housekeeping are cross-training as servers. Insanity.

The last day of the season is September 23. I still have no idea what I'm going to do next. I really want to come back here for the winter season, but I don't feel peace when I pray about it. I'm really sick of the back-and-forth existence, too. I can't start grad school yet. I just want to get married and have babies. Not looking like it's in the cards for me any time soon, though. I would love to have a management position here and stay in the off season. But none of those are really open, and no one has offered them to me or said anything about me staying. Plus, I just have a gut feeling that God is going to move me on. But I'm really, REALLY reluctant to jump back into "I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I can't find a job, I'm living with my parents," etc. That was THE WORST. If I had something I was leaving for, I'd be a lot more settled about it. If I had a car, I'd be tempted to road-trip to CA and live in my car for a few months. Not really. Besides, I don't have one. Maybe I should make Dace an offer on his old pick-up. I don't really have money to throw around if I'm going to jump back into the well of unemployment. Grrr. I hate this.

...On that note, I have to start getting ready for dinner. I would really, really appreciate some prayers for direction and provision!

Update

I'm sitting in my favorite Steamboat coffee house, Off the Beaten Path. I liked their old location much much better, but it is still a good place.

My grandpa's funeral is today. I ended up not going home. He had been sick for so long that I felt like I had already come to terms with it. I told my parents that if they wanted me to be with them, I would go, but they agreed that it was best for me to stay and save the cost of a ticket, especially since I'm going to see them for my friend Julie's wedding in a little over a week. They thought it was more important that I had time with him while he was alive. I was able to talk to them today, so that was good.

Grief is a funny thing. I was so prepared for this, yet it's still a loss. For the first two days, I was so caught up in trying to learn the details of the service and figure out if I was going home or not that I just felt really shell-shocked about it. Then Saturday night, I was looking at some pictures of my grandparents that my aunt posted, and it hit me that he was really gone. I'm not going to see him next Christmas or hear his voice on the phone when he calls. He would always tell my dad to give us a "squeeze"--and something about apple pie and cheese. "Apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze." That was one of his little sayings. His parents were German, but the only phrase he knew how to say was "Beer and ham sandwich, please." He was very generous and always remembered our birthdays and Christmas, even thought there are over 20 grandchildren (my aunt and uncle are expecting right now--this new one will make 23). It's been a long time since I've seen that side of the family. My cousin Drew is getting married this fall, so I will see them then.

My grandpa had this horrific suit coat that was 70's polyester blend and ugly shades of red, purple and orange, I think with some blue and/or green thrown in there, too. When Grandpa decided to get rid of it, my Uncle Steve wore it to a costume party as a used car salesman. Eventually it resurfaced at family Christmases and got passed around from family member to family member. It was always a lot of fun to see who would get the ugly coat and how creatively they could re-gift it next year.

I'm so glad to have a day off today. It's been hard trying to function normally at work. There are times when it's appropriate to grieve and cry and times when it's not--I can't be weeping while I'm taking orders, for instance. But having to put these emotions on hold was super hard and took all my energy, and I ended up snapping at my coworkers and crying at simple reprimands from the chefs. I got so used to having to stuff the emotions that I couldn't get them to surface when I had a break, and they popped up in odd ways like the ones already mentioned. I felt annoyed by people making silly jokes and having trivial fun. I didn't know where the anger was coming from, and then I remembered this quote from one of my friends: "Anger is the face of grief." Yesterday I found a sweet spot--a little rocky island in the middle of the river that you have to bushwhack to get to, so no rides or hikes go by--and just cried for about 20 min. That was really helpful. I still feel like I might get easily annoyed or be short-tempered, but I'm ready to move on. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow, though. Ugh.

I got my hair cut and got my nails done today. That was really nice. Thanks for letting me process all this on this good ol' blog.

I got a call from my dad this morning that my grandpa passed away early this morning. It's totally not a suprise, and lots of things came about in the best possible way. He was in his own bed, which was good because he was determined not to go back to the hospital. They were able to call my uncles and aunt to be with him in time. My parents got to go see him about two weeks ago, and they found out about him right before my mom was about to leave for the weekend, so she was able to stay with my dad. My brother was already coming home for the fourth of July. I still don't know if I'll be going home or not. In some ways it's easier to stay here because I know my mom's way of processing would be to talk about it nonstop, while mine is solitary grieving and inward processing before I'm ready to talk about it. I have a really good support system here; I don't feel at all alone. But I would like to go home for the service, I think, and have that closure and chance to say goodbye. The hardest part for me is that he wasn't a believer. I can't think about that. I don't know what kind of service they'll be having. He's going to be cremated, so there's no burial. I would appreciate prayers for my family!

Emotional breakdown

I came home from dinner tonight to find my bedroom door locked. I could hear music playing inside, so I pounded on it until my room mate came and opened it. She thought I was working and locked it "for privacy reasons." What? Who else would go into our room without knocking if she just closed the door? I wanted to change my clothes because I got soaked by the stupid lawn sprinklers that come on at the most inopportune moments. It really bugged me that I couldn't. Once Teresa got back in the shower (yes, I knocked until she got out of the shower to let me in), I burst into tears. I didn't know why such a stupid little thing would get me so worked up. I think I have just been emotionally on edge for a while--I've been struggling with discontent, jealousy and trying to learn to healthily walk through my fears--and all it took was a stupid little thing to send me off the deep end. Also, we've been close since being here, and the past few days she's been really upset but won't talk to me about it. I know she just needs time to herself to process, but for some reason I've let it hurt my feelings. Her locking the door on me was a physical manifestation of how I feel like it's been lately. Also, I don't feel as free to share when she doesn't share, and I feel like a lot is weighing on my mind. Grr, I don't know how to handle these emotions well. I know I really need someone to pray for me. So, if you're reading this, feel free to take that task upon yourself!