Out-of-Control Freak

Well, a decision has been reached about the car. I'm not going to take it. I was kind of upset at first when my dad told me, because they made the decision instead of me, but my dad explained it really well. He said it's not that they don't trust me to make a decision, but since they own the car, they need to decide how to best use their resources to support me. That made a lot of sense to me--at first I felt like they were using the fact that they owned the car as leverage against me, but I can understand that they want to be good stewards of their resources. My dad said one thing that helped him make the decision was a picture he had of me, which is somewhat unusual for my dad. It fit in with thoughts I've been having lately of things God is bringing up in my heart. Basically this:

All my life I've prided myself on not being a control freak. I was proud in my ability to be flexible, roll with the punches, and toss the schedule out the window. It never occured to me that their was another extreme--being an "out-of-control freak." I've always hated to feel tied down or like my options are closed in any way. I always do things last-minute, and one reason is that I hate to be committed to any one way until I absolutely have to. As I said, I was proud of this and saw anything else as rigidity and inflexibility. I've been convicted of this a little bit before, but every time I tell people I'm working on being more disciplined, they say, "Fantastic! Let me see your hour-by-hour schedule!" or "I noticed you read your book for ten minutes when you got home instead of starting right on that assignment. I thought you were going to be more disciplined?" THAT kind of life I could never live. It seems silly, but only recently has it occurred to me that there might be some middle ground. I can still be spontaneous and flexible (keep the "P" part of my personality, for you fellow Meyers-Brigg lovers), but also work on instilling some discipline and boundaries in my life.

Another point of pride for me has always been, "I'm not like those control freaks who hold onto every detail and don't trust God to run things." But as thoughts of not having a car have entered my mind, I've started to realize my own lack of trust. "Not be able to leave whenever I want? Not be able to take solitary trips into town or drive away from the ranch?" In summary, "Not be able to drive away from my problems? Not have an escape route open?" That idea freaks me out. I feel my options closing and my freedom slipping away, and panic starts to ensue. But the Bible says that we are slaves to righteousness; I am a bondservant of the Lord. Scary words, words that I don't like, but words that are true. That's why I think it will be good for me to have to rely entirely on God while I'm at the ranch, and trust that if I need an escape route, He'll open it for me. And if He doesn't open one, maybe I need to reexamine why or what I want to escape, and see if it isn't something I should be facing head-on instead.

Remember that post awhile back when I said I didn't like to blog about deep things? Hahaha.