Emotional exhaustion

If anyone who reads this doesn't know, I e-mailed Johanna yesterday and told her that I want to come work at her ranch. Her boss called me today and set up a phone interview for Thurs at 3 pm. I am really excited about the whole deal. I got prayed for again at life group and again felt confirmed in it, mostly with the word "freedom" and a picture of myself running, headlong and determined, into the rain and towards some mountains. That's the short version, but God has been using pictures of rain and water to speak to me a lot lately. I'll give anyone the long version if they want it.

So, that is great. I shared that with my parents, and it encouraged them too, which is also great. What is not great is that I feel completely drained. I've spent so much mental, emotional (and even some spiritual ;) ) energy on this decision that now that it's made, I feel wiped out. The kids have also been little hellions this week. Alex's mom told me he's not sleeping very well, which means for him that he's wound up like a top. He cannot sit down or stop talking to save his life. He acts as goofy as heck. Today all the kids acted like they downed a quart of pure sugar for breakfast. One little girl I spend a lot of time with said her mom forgot to give her her medicine. She was bouncing off the walls like a wally-ball. Another kid who sits at the same table as Alex, and who always asks me for help with his work, got mad because I wouldn't do the same things for him that I do for Alex. I found out from the teacher later that she's going to move him because she doesn't want him to come to depend on my help. Really, I think this is probably for the best, because he's convincing himself that he can't do things on his own that he really can, but I think what he really wants is attention more than help with his schoolwork, and I hate to see these attention-starved kids and be denied the chance to show them that they are loved and worth paying attention to. The little girl I mentioned before always wants hugs, and when we're standing in line or waiting in the hall, she takes my hands and wraps my arms around her, or puts my hands on her face. During reading time she'll sit next to me and gradually creep closer until our shoulders are pressed together and her head is leaning against me. I hate telling her that she can only have one hug a day, or that I can only hold her hand in the hall, not hold her all the time. She needs love. She needs someone to hold her. But like most kids from a background like hers, she is darn good at manipulating and trying to get what she wants. Trying to love her and yet show her that I won't let her control me is a daily battle, as is convincing this little boy that he can do his own work and I don't like him any less than Alex, as is being patient with Alex's tendencies that can seem just like unruliness or disrespect. My patience is wearing holes in it, as is my judgement. Today I kept repeating Matt 19:14 - "Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" These same little buggers who wear holes in my patience when my emotions are at a ragged end are the ones that Jesus says we have to become like to enter the kingdom of heaven.

So, if you think about it, please pray for renewing of strength and refreshing of spirit, for my sake and the kids'!