Melodic Monday

I got a phone call from my college roommate Anna last night telling me that she is engaged! I met the guy when I visited her in Berkley last spring, and he is super nice and I think they are so well-suited for each other. I also heard this song and it reminded me of my EDGE Corps roommate, Katie, and a dance she taught me to it. So, this Melodic Monday goes out to Anna & Eric and Katie Clark!

don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry
C`mon, let's try

Am I crazy for wanting you?
Baby, do you think you could want me too ?
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do ?
I just wanna know if you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You beautiful soul, yeah.

So, I haven't written a deep post in a really long time. Here goes an attempt at one. Lately I have bee feeling disconnected. came home a few weeks early to try to get some extra time with God and some counseling. The counselor only had three appointment times available. Two have already passed. The first one was kind of spent just getting her up to speed on where I was, and when I showed up for the second one, she didn't. I know there are crisis calls and all kinds of stuff that can happen in that job, but I was really disappointed and I still haven't heard from her. I'm sure it was just some kind of mis- or noncommunication, but time is so limited. I'm supposed to have my third one this Tues. I really hope there's some kind of breakthrough. Today at church when Tony asked people who have felt like a disconnected "branch" to come forward for prayer, I should have gone. I don't know why that's always so awkward for me, but I feel weird walking up in front of everyone, especially when it gets so jam-packed and Tony's calling out, "We need more people to pray! We need more people to pray!" It was so nice just to be at church, though.

I've felt like I'm in the middle of spiritual warfare lately. When I came home, I wanted a couple days to just rest and not think about anything, but then it was like I never started thinking again. I haven't really been praying or in the Word. I've just been in this static state. There have been a few moments, but all in all, it's kind of sucked. I feel like there is this blackness that keeps reaching for me. I keep having thoughts like "This winter will be so hard" and "You'll just fall away" and "You won't have any close friends" and "You'll just be so sad." The good thing is that, so far, they've all been identifiable as attacks and lies, but I haven't really fought. I've just turned off the thoughts and continued in my static state. When I decided to come home early, I felt like Jesus was showing me that there were areas of my heart that had been closed off in darkness (by me, out of self-protection), and He was going to begin the process of opening doors to those areas. But I've felt nothing but bad about myself since coming home. This summer was so draining, physically, mentally and spiritually, and I don't want to do anything. I don't want to make new relationships that I'll have to sever in December. I don't want to work when I'm going to jump right back into the insanely busy holiday season at the ranch. And I desperately don't want to leave spiritual feeding and fellowship.

This blog has been so rambly. I don't think I really know what I'm trying to say. But I would love prayers.

Extreme Home Makeover - The Camping Edition

I have a feeling that I'll be blogging a lot more since being home. Maybe not...we'll see.

I'm sitting in Panera having lunch. This is not just a pleasure, it's a necessity. I returned home to find my parent's house in the throes of remodeling. They warned me, but I didn't understand the extent of this project. I walked into the house to find the family room full of nonperishable food items, the refrigerator and microwave relocated to the garage, and the kitchen and dining room completely gutted. My room was packed full of storage--I've been sleeping on an air mattress that just fits between the desk and the closet in my sister's old room. We eat canned and boxed and frozen food from paperware. We joke that it's exactly like indoor camping except we still have nice bathrooms.

Today was a big delivery day. They just finished installing the new floor and cabinets, and today they brought the sink, oven, countertops, living room furniture, and dining room table. It looks great. My parents have really opened up the spaces and made use of the windows and natural lighting. The sink looks out a window, the dining room table is right under the double windows, and the living room furniture lets you sit and look out the sliding glass door. They picked out a really pretty cherry wood for the cabinets and furniture. It's fantastic. My mom is super excited. I personally can't wait until I can make something for myself. But my mom really wants to be the first one to cook in her new kitchen, which is just fine by me.

So far I haven't done much since being home. I've seen the family--my grandparents' 60th anniversary party was last weekend, and this weekend my cousin Drew, from the other side, is getting married. I didn't make it to my grandpa's funeral, so it will be really good to see everyone. Oh, the other news (I don' think I've posted about this yet)--I got accepted to Denver Seminary! I start the non-degree counseling program in January! So I am trying to figure out registering for classes and all that fun business. I am actually looking forward to taking classes again. The ones that are recommended for starters look really fun and interesting--Effective Biblical Interpretation, Understanding the Gospels and Acts, and Old Testament Wisdom Literature. Sweet! Other than that, I've just been enjoying being in civilization again. Going to Target was like going to the promised land. Hopefully I will be able to catch up with some people next week. Feel free to give me a call, if I don't give you one first!

Once in a rare while...

...I'll actually post something! This is just such a time. I'm actually really excited because I get to go home this Saturday! I had originally planned to stay until the end of October, but I need to go now. God has been stirring up a lot in my heart, and I don't think this is the place to walk through it. It's been really lonely here, and I've struggled with depression, and the issues that God is bringing to light. Way too complicated for a blog, but....yeah. Basically, I want to be in a sound spiritual environment and with the people who know me best as I try to walk through this. I think there are some areas of my heart that are closed off that He wants to open, and dark areas that He wants to shine His light into. Needless to say, I'm excited for a break. And to see everyone! If you are going to be in the area, give me shout! I can't wait to see everyone/catch up with everyone. Yay! Please also pray for me as I seek God on these issues and fight the enemy, who I know wants to keep these areas wrapped in darkness.

Praise You in the Storm

Hooray! Guests are gone. It's a great feeling. Today was the first day of work for the off season. I get to watch Steph's kids, which is great fun. Maggie, 3 yrs old, led a yoga class for us. Ella, 6 mos, has spent most of the day sleeping. Right now they are both down for naps, and I have some blessed free time on my hands.

Everyone had yesterday off. I went to breakfast and church, then spent the rest of the afternoon lying in bed watching special features from The Office. I napped somewhere in there, but I was lying in my bed until about 9 pm. I felt complete apathy toward anything that needed to be done, or the fact that I wasn't getting anything done. I didn't even have to shove the guilt under the rug--I just didn't care. I wondered if I'd ever want to do anything or be with people ever again. Today is better, though. It's been great playing with the kids, and I'm so glad I don't have to try to key up again for more people. Just people I already know and physical labor. Resting from the strained smiles, the forced cheerfulness when someone is snapping at you that you tried to kill them by serving them nuts (when it was only artificial almond flavoring), taking the blame for things that are not your fault and trying to look happy about it when all you want to do is tell them right where they can go--it's all over for two blissful months.

I do want to ask for prayers for Anita, the new head housekeeper and one of my closest friends here. She went home last Friday because her dad was in the hospital after suffering a massive heart attack, and he passed away Saturday night. It seems like she is doing well considering the circumstances. She's planning on coming back pretty soon after the funeral. Please send up a prayer for Anita and her family. Today's Melodic Monday goes out to them.

"Praise You In This Storm"
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Decisions have been made. I'll be here again for the winter. It's been a huge back-and-forth process. But there are some changes that make me really excited for the winter. It looks like I'll be able to take some intro counseling courses through Denver seminary while working. Also, I'll be switching to housekeeping. I need a change from the dining room. I am really excited for the opportunities you have to build relationships while housekeeping--you can actually talk while you work, not just run around like a chicken with its head cut off with four different chefs yakking at you. There are also regular hours, and evenings off, which will be great if taking classes pans out. Also, I have come to a place where I feel like I recognize that my gifts lie in behind-the-scenes work. I think it was good for me to be out in front for a while, to show that I could do it and that "gifts" wouldn't be something to hide behind, but now I realize that's really where I'm gifted, and I'm excited to have the chance to use it.

There are two more weeks of guests. Then staff starts to trickle out. I feel really fortunate to be able to stay here for the off season. I'll be heading home for a few weeks in November around Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to that, too. But mostly, I'm looking forward to things dying down around here. Life has been crazy since about half the staff left to start school again (haha, suckers!) and the rest of the staff has been trying to patch things together. It's been really hard in the kitchen because we've had a ton of people in and out lately, and everyone is on a different learning curve, and sometimes people forget this. I've really been struggling this past week--there's been a lot of tension. But I had a really good conversation with Ben where he told me, "Don't define yourself by what happens down there. That's like defining the cleanliness of your entire house by the toilet." I've also been reading Romans 8 and praying that the Spirit of Christ alive in me would put to death the misdeeds of the body, and that my mind would be controlled by the Spirit and be a mind of life and peace.

Melodic Monday - Hard to Get by Rich Mullins

Do You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth?
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt?
Do You remember when You lived down here, where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread?
Did You forget about us after Your had flown away?
Well, I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

Do You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin?
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness? Did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You are barely holding on and Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the one who loves me most
And after I have figured this, somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead and we cannot get free
Of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All these words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how you're leading me, unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along, I guess
It's just Your way, and You are just plain hard to get