So, I've been requested to blog some more. Pretty flattering. ;)

Life is crazy but has somewhat settled into a steady rhythm. I'm still working at the home Mon-Fri (looks like I'll be transferring to housekeeping soon--which is good) and taking classes Tues and Thurs night. Effective Biblical Interpretation and Intro to the Gospels and Acts. Next week: midterms. I've also started a paper that I'm finding pretty interesting. My topic is The Names and Titles of Jesus, and the one I'm specifically researching is Son of God.

I'm following the weekly research schedule my prof outlined in the syllabus. Not like me, but I haven't done a research paper in so long...different than an English essay! So far I've done a word search on "Son of God" and looked at the passages where it occurs in the gospels and Acts. Something that struck me was that it is most often used as a title of recognition. Martha calls Jesus Son of God when He asks her if she believes in Him right before He raises Lazarus. Peter calls Jesus the Son of God when he confesses Him as the Messiah. Demons most often refer to Him by this title, and when Satan tempts Him in the desert, he starts with, "If you are the Son of God..." I think the core of Jesus' identity is wrapped up in this title. Not His mission, His profession or His kingship, but the essence of what made Him who He was. Hm, I don't know if that makes sense. Good thing this is just a blog and not my paper!

Anyway, I would love to hear thoughts on this if you have any! Why is "Son of God" special, as opposed to "Son of Man" or "Lamb of God" or any of the many others?

Happy Thursday!

My first day as a 26-yr-old. Man, am I old. Not really, it just seems weird that I could be 26. Wasn't I 18 yesterday or something? And now I feel old for saying that. I feel like every year I'm disappointed by my birthday because I have too high of expectations. This year I didn't actually have any expectations since I'm in a new city where I don't really know anyone. Christina (the roommate) took me out to dinner at P.F. Chang's, and while we were there, she had her friend Kelsa, who stayed with us for a couple weeks while she was looking for a place to live, and Matt and Melissa, who live upstairs, come to our apartment and make a cake. It was really nice of her to do that and really nice of them to come. I was kind of sad that people had to be recruited for my birthday, but it was still really nice of them.

Classes start next week. I'm really looking forward to having something going on besides work. I'm taking Effective Biblical Interpretation and Understanding the Gospels and Acts. Two evening classes, Tues and Thurs, 5 credit hours. I have new student orientation next Friday and my first class September 1. I am pretty stoked for it!

Spiritually, I've been going through a rough patch. Without going into excessive detail, I've struggled more than I ever have with depression and hopelessness. I've prayed and prayed for God to release me from my job, and last Sunday, I realized that what I wanted wasn't just release from the job but release from the depression and hopelessness I feel about my job. It seems so obvious, but I realized that Jesus isn't limited by my job. I don't have to feel that way even while I have this job. I still want a new one, but it's not like Jesus can't lift me out of these feelings.

They say realization is half the battle, but I'm still really struggling with the other half. I really should have gone down front for prayer last Sunday at church, but I hate feeling so conspicuous, especially since I barely know people at church. I hate spilling my messy emotional guts to strangers--it's so embarrassing. I can't keep it "neat" and that bothers me. But I know I can't do this alone--I've been trying all week and it's not working. Every time I have hopeless thoughts or start to sink into depression, or any time I try to think about getting prayer, I get a headache and feel dizzy and nauseas. Which makes me think it's purely spiritual attack, all lies of the enemy, and not grounded in anything real in my life. Or maybe I just need to figure out where I've given the enemy a foothold for this. In any event, I would so love your prayers, especially that I'll have the strength to go forward for prayer tomorrow at church.

I'm thinking of retitling this blog "Never A Dull Moment." That seems to be a fitting title for my life lately. I'm writing this in the Denver International Airport, where I'm waiting for the next 4 and a half hours for a stand-by flight. I missed my flight to San Francisco for my friend Anna's wedding. The wedding isn't until tomorrow, but I'm a bridesmaid and I was supposed to fly in early enough for the rehearsal dinner. Well, thanks to falling back asleep (for an HOUR) after my alarm, and leaving a lot of packing for the morning because I was going to get up early and do it, and underestimating travel time to the airport, and the parking lot being full and my inability to read signs (I bet I'm the only person who could get lost in an airport), I just missed my flight. I think I could have made it if I had run, but they wouldn't let me try at check-in. They put me on stand-by for this evening, which means, assumoing I can get on that flight (please!!), I'll be landing in the middle of the rehearsal dinner. It also means that instead of getting there in time to help Anna with last-minute details, I've become a stressful last-minute detail myself. I wouldn't mind if it were weather or something like that I couldn't help, but the fact that I did it to myself just makes me so mad. Well, now at least I get to ride the BART, something I've wanted to do ever since I read about in a book my mom had about a girl named Donna. Grrr.

Jogging

To anyone who still reads this, thanks. I haven't died or lost my computer, I just haven't had a lot that I've felt like posting lately. It's been a pretty rough transition to Denver for several reasons, and to be honest, I've had some dark moments. I still don't really want to post about that--I haven't even really processed it because I don't want to go back to those times, even in memory. Sometime I will, but not now. There's actually a ton of material about my job and the homies. My roommate's boyfriend came up with that name for the residents, because they live in a home, and I like it.

But anyway, I signed on to post about something funny that happened to me while I was out for a run today. There are some great trails down by the Platte River where you can see the mountains. Right now there are a ton of wildflowers and it's really beautiful. Anyway, I had done the loop to Prince Street, and I was almost back to the parking lot--I just had to cross the bridge. I started getting closer to the bridge and realized that the section of the path right before it was roped off with caution tape. There was a man and a woman with an awning/tent thing set up and they had boxes of something on the grass and on their table. It was really odd, and I didn't want to do the entire loop again, so I tried to sneak around behind the trees. The guy saw me and said, "Whoa! Excuse me, ma'am! We have this caution tape up so people won't come back here." I said, "Sorry, I just need to cross the bridge to get to my car," and he said, "Next time please go around. We don't anyone to get hurt--these are explosives." ??? First of all, why do they have explosives? Second, why work with them in a carnival booth on the bike trails by the Platte? Third, if you must, why not pick a place on the grass instead of roping off a very popular, heavily trafficked path? None of this makes any sense to me. And what kind of explosives could these be? Fireworks? Then why not say fireworks?

I will say one thing: as difficult as life in Denver has been, it has never, not for one second, been dull.

Wide Open by Jason Aldean

At the corner cafe,
She scrapes some quarters off the table,
Says, "Thanks, yeah, now maybe I'll be able
To get that black Mercedes,
I've been saving for."
The other girls say,
"You oughta undo a couple buttons,
Start showing off a little something."
She says, "Naw, y'all go ahead,
Think I'd rather stay poor.
See I'm just making rent."
She said, "This ain't where my road ends."

"This may not be my town,
But it'll do for now,
Til I can figure out,
Who I am,
Where I'm going."
She's slinging eggs and bacon,
With a college education
Just hanging out and waiting,
For a better plan,
She's ok not knowing,
She's young,
And the world's wide open.

There's a rusty old Ford,
Lives out back behind the diner,
Sitting there waiting on her to make her mind up,
It tends to sling a little gravel,
And take her who knows where,
Maybe head out west,
Into in God's hands, I guess.

She throws down that apron,
Takes the money she's been making,
Her life's out there waiting,
Got a better plan,
That's where she's going,
She's young,
And the world's wide open.

Welcome to Boulder

I visited my friend Danielle in Boulder on Saturday. Boulder definitely has a reputation as the funkiest city in Colorado. Danielle told me how when she first moved there, when something weird would happen, people would just tell her, "Welcome to Boulder." I'd never been there before, but after one day, I love it.

Danielle took me downtown to the area where they have a farmer's market. It was over by the time we got there, but we walked by the creek and explored the public library, which is really awesome. It's built out of red rock and spans the creek. There's a waterfall inside, and the part that spans the creek is a coffee shop. Very cool. After checking out the library, we followed the path along the creek, which was not only very picturesque but very, um, Boulderesque. For starters, completely at random, we saw an old vacuum cleaner sitting by a light pole. In case anyone wanted to sweep the gravel off the path, apparently. With a very long extension cord. A little further down, we saw a guy rocking in a hammock hung in a tree by the creek. As we got a little closer, though, we realized that he wasn't alone, and he wasn't just "rocking." Welcome to Boulder.

After that, Danielle took me to her favorite coffee shop/book store. It was a really cute local place with exposed brick interior, huge windows, hanging plants, and a fun, laid-back atmosphere. Plus good coffee. I'm sold. We walked around the shops and streets and had some more "Welcome to Boulder" moments, including a veggie dog stand and a T-shirt with a picture of a tree stump tied up with yellow tape that said "Crime Scene - Do Not Cross."

Oh, and the biggest Boulder moment of all. We walked outside and heard a lot of yelling, hooting and hollering. We looked over to see what was going on, and found ourselves looking at the Boulder Naked Bike Ride. Actually, we were too far way to really see anything, but close enough to know that it was indeed a naked bike ride. Big fat welcome to Boulder.

I really loved it, though. It was a beautiful town, and much smaller than Denver, where I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of people. Closer to the mountains, too. If I stay in Colorado after seminary, I would think about living in Boulder. I need my family to move to Colorado, though.

Where the Green Grass Grows by Tim McGraw

Six lanes, tail lights
Red ants marching into the night
They disappear to the left and right again
Another supper from a sack
A 99-cent heart attack
I've got a pounding head and an aching back
And the camel's buried in a big straw stack

I'm gonna live where the green grass grows
Watch my corn pop up in rows
Every night be tucked in close to you
Raise our kids where the good Lord's blessed
Point our rocking chairs toward the west
And plant our dreams where the peaceful river flows
And the green grass grows

I'm from a map dot
A stop sign on the blacktop
Caught the first bus I could hop from there
But all of this glitter is getting dark
There's concrete growing in the city park
I don't know who my neighbors are
There's bars on the corner and bars on my heart

I'm gonna live where the green grass grows
Watch my corn pop up in rows
Every night be tucked in close to you
Raise our kids where the good Lord's blessed
Point our rocking chairs toward the west
And plant our dreams where the peaceful river flows
And the green grass grows

Denver

I have been reminded that, as much as I love Colorado and consider it my home too, I will always be a small-town Midwestern girl at heart. Denver isn't that huge of a city, and it's definitely not as busy or impersonal as Chicago, but compared to Lafayette or a guest ranch with 50 people you all know, it seems like it. I am used to people smiling and saying hello when you pass them on the park walk, not averting their eyes and acting creeped out by your friendliness. I'm used to cars stopping at the crosswalk in front of the grocery store (most of the time), and to people not darting out in front of you when they're not at a crosswalk (except on campus). I hate that I have to get on the interstate to get to work and get lost when I try to find an alternate route. I'm also used to most males holding doors for you or letting you walk in front of them. Apparently men don't have time for that in the big city. They have to rush off to drive 70 on the interstate and cut off confused girls with Indiana license plates who they refuse to acknowledge on the sidewalk.

As negative as that sounded, I think I'm going to like it here after I adjust my expectations. I too will learn to be fast, busy and self-absorbed. :) No, really, my apartment is great--we have a fireplace, and I have my own bathroom and a closet almost big enough to turn into a guest room, plus a dishwasher and our own washer and dryer. My room mate is great, too. Her name is Christina and she's really friendly and helpful. I haven't officially started work yet--they want to train me with another girl, so they're waiting to see when she can start. Right now they're going to put me on the night shift, 10 pm-6 am, which I'm not super excited about, but it's only supposed to be temporary. My boss is waiting to get his budget review back, and if everything is approved, he's going to put me in the dining room. I got the tour the other day and met some of the residents, and so far they seem really sweet. I have to take a two-day course to become a Med-Aide, which gives me a little more responsibility somehow. I don't really know much about the job yet. But it has benefits!! No more paying monthly for crappy insurance! Just rent...and car payments...and gas and food. Let's hear it for the adult life!

Faith

“And that is faith, to do God’s will here and now, quietly leaving the results to Him. Faith leaves something to the Lord, it obeys His immediate commandment and leaves to Him direction and destiny. And so faith is accompanied by serenity. . . Concerning his yesterdays faith says, ‘You hem me in behind’. Concerning his tomorrows faith says, ‘You hem me in before’. Concerning his today faith says, ‘You have laid your hand upon me.’ That is enough, just to feel the pressure of the guiding hand.” (J. H. Jowett)

Boxing Day

Happy Boxing Day, everybody. Christmas was crazy-busy, as could be expected. They've been having me pull double duty as a housekeeper and server, but in two days I should be able to go back to only housekeeping. Christmas morning was nice, with stockings for everyone and some time to sit around the fire. I had a break in the afternoon, too, but it was kind of rough. My grandma passed away last week, and we always spent Christmas day with that side of the family. I went home for the funeral, and I hated to jump back on a plane right before Christmas and leave everyone, esp since my grandpa passed away this summer, too, and it's really strange to think of Christmas without them. There were some tears. I actually started crying when I found out the housekeepers went for a horseback ride while I was working. It's so weird how you can have deep things going on in your life that you're thinking about and trying to process, but something small and stupid will set off the tears. Now I just have to make the push through New Years. After that life should slow down a bit. I'll have two days off a week--whoo-hoo! Right now I just want one day to SLEEP IN.

Melodic Monday - Be Still My Soul and I Need Thee Every Hour

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as He has the past

Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below

I Need Thee Every Hour
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.
I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.
I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
Oh, make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son.
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

Rusty's Ranch Relay and the Adventures of Chico the Towel Burro

Oh, what an eventful past couple of days! We've been having ranch orientation, which has entailed much training of the 4-star way to clean a cabin. It's been fun meeting everyone, and the housekeeping team is awesome. I'm so glad I decided to switch. But yesterday was when things really started happening.

To begin with, last night was Rusty's Super Ranch Relay. I knew I should be prepared for all possible disasters when I heard that Dace had put Rusty in charge of the "fun" activities, but I was not at all prepared for Rusty's Ranch Relay. There were some fairly harmless things, like trying to pop other teams' balloons while keeping your own from being popped, snowshoeing out to the pasture and having another teammate pull you back on a sled, and naming ten states and their capitals. But the other two completely canceled any harmless factor: The Pudding Challenge and Bobbing for Turds.

I guess Rusty, God love him, forgot we're not all thirteen-year-old boys when he picked those two games. Bobbing for Turds involved fun-sized Milky Way bars in yellow-dyed water with bits of toilet paper floating in it. People had to bob for them the same way you bob for apples. I almost vomited just watching.

The Pudding Challenge was my part of the relay. I had to pull a knee-high stocking over my head and slurp a Snack Pack chocolate pudding through it. It was actually not as hard as it sounds, but gross. I have never eaten a Snack Pack in under a minute before and I never hope to again--esp through a nylon net.

I have to admit, though, the night provided a lot of laughs and a lot of bonding. I think the stories will be told all season.

Today the other big adventure occurred. The housekeepers have been trying to figure out how to make towel animals. None of the instructions we had were for ranchy or western animals, so we tried to combine an elephant and a dog to make a horse. It ended up looking like a burro, which gained the name Chico. Today, we walked into the laundry room, and Chico the Burro was lying on his side with a bull's eye drawn on his side! Naturally we were outraged. We wrote a note from Chico's mother, conveying her heart-brokenness and anger, and left it with Chico on the seat of the ranch hands' truck.

Tonight was also a lot of fun. Tomorrow is our first day off, and lots of people were planning on going out, but it started snowing really hard, so most people just stuck around. I baked cookies, and Anita and Matt had their guitar and flute respectively, so I had a personal serenade while I baked. More people trickled in later, and we played Scattegories for a while, and there was lots of hanging out and some wine and laughs. It's always weird at the start of a season, getting to know everyone and realizing that everyone from last season is gone, but I think this winter is going to be really good.

Vista Verde Adventures

I am safely back in Colorado, and oh, what a journey it was. I rode out with my friend Mindy across the most boring states in our union. It remained very boring until we crossed the border from Wyoming into Colorado and Mindy's car started making noise. We kept going to the closest town, a tiny little podunk place named Walden, and stopped at the gas station. The auto repair place was closed because it was Sunday, but they lady in the gas station referred us to this guy who was in the store and said he was good with cars. This older gentleman, who goes by the name of Tex, said that a connecting rod was out in the engine. It was knocking into it, and if we kept going, it would knock a hole in the engine and catch on fire. He was a very nice, fatherly type. So anyway, apparently he owns 80 acres outside of town, and has a lot of work vehicles and restores cars on the side. So he offered to lend us one of his vehicles for $50 dollars and keep Mindy's car at his place until she decides what to do. I'm pretty sure he's an angel in disguise. Except he has relatives in Indiana. His brother-in-law is actually head of the chemistry department at Purdue! He got really excited when he found out we were alum. It pays to be a Boilermaker!

So we set out from Walden in Tex's old pick-up truck, a bright orange vehicle that he bought from the county. Hilarious. We were so thankful to arrive at the ranch. But there was no heat in our house! The thermostat is stuck at 56 degrees. Bill, the maintenance guy, is trying to fix it, but last night I slept in two sets of long johns, plus my pajamas, plus my down winter coat and huge pile of blankets. I kept getting up and adding more layers. Ridiculous! I really hope this problem is fixed soon!

Well, it's back to staying in touch through the virtual world. I will keep reading your blogs and follow your lives!

Melodic Monday

I got a phone call from my college roommate Anna last night telling me that she is engaged! I met the guy when I visited her in Berkley last spring, and he is super nice and I think they are so well-suited for each other. I also heard this song and it reminded me of my EDGE Corps roommate, Katie, and a dance she taught me to it. So, this Melodic Monday goes out to Anna & Eric and Katie Clark!

don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry
C`mon, let's try

Am I crazy for wanting you?
Baby, do you think you could want me too ?
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do ?
I just wanna know if you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You beautiful soul, yeah.

So, I haven't written a deep post in a really long time. Here goes an attempt at one. Lately I have bee feeling disconnected. came home a few weeks early to try to get some extra time with God and some counseling. The counselor only had three appointment times available. Two have already passed. The first one was kind of spent just getting her up to speed on where I was, and when I showed up for the second one, she didn't. I know there are crisis calls and all kinds of stuff that can happen in that job, but I was really disappointed and I still haven't heard from her. I'm sure it was just some kind of mis- or noncommunication, but time is so limited. I'm supposed to have my third one this Tues. I really hope there's some kind of breakthrough. Today at church when Tony asked people who have felt like a disconnected "branch" to come forward for prayer, I should have gone. I don't know why that's always so awkward for me, but I feel weird walking up in front of everyone, especially when it gets so jam-packed and Tony's calling out, "We need more people to pray! We need more people to pray!" It was so nice just to be at church, though.

I've felt like I'm in the middle of spiritual warfare lately. When I came home, I wanted a couple days to just rest and not think about anything, but then it was like I never started thinking again. I haven't really been praying or in the Word. I've just been in this static state. There have been a few moments, but all in all, it's kind of sucked. I feel like there is this blackness that keeps reaching for me. I keep having thoughts like "This winter will be so hard" and "You'll just fall away" and "You won't have any close friends" and "You'll just be so sad." The good thing is that, so far, they've all been identifiable as attacks and lies, but I haven't really fought. I've just turned off the thoughts and continued in my static state. When I decided to come home early, I felt like Jesus was showing me that there were areas of my heart that had been closed off in darkness (by me, out of self-protection), and He was going to begin the process of opening doors to those areas. But I've felt nothing but bad about myself since coming home. This summer was so draining, physically, mentally and spiritually, and I don't want to do anything. I don't want to make new relationships that I'll have to sever in December. I don't want to work when I'm going to jump right back into the insanely busy holiday season at the ranch. And I desperately don't want to leave spiritual feeding and fellowship.

This blog has been so rambly. I don't think I really know what I'm trying to say. But I would love prayers.

Extreme Home Makeover - The Camping Edition

I have a feeling that I'll be blogging a lot more since being home. Maybe not...we'll see.

I'm sitting in Panera having lunch. This is not just a pleasure, it's a necessity. I returned home to find my parent's house in the throes of remodeling. They warned me, but I didn't understand the extent of this project. I walked into the house to find the family room full of nonperishable food items, the refrigerator and microwave relocated to the garage, and the kitchen and dining room completely gutted. My room was packed full of storage--I've been sleeping on an air mattress that just fits between the desk and the closet in my sister's old room. We eat canned and boxed and frozen food from paperware. We joke that it's exactly like indoor camping except we still have nice bathrooms.

Today was a big delivery day. They just finished installing the new floor and cabinets, and today they brought the sink, oven, countertops, living room furniture, and dining room table. It looks great. My parents have really opened up the spaces and made use of the windows and natural lighting. The sink looks out a window, the dining room table is right under the double windows, and the living room furniture lets you sit and look out the sliding glass door. They picked out a really pretty cherry wood for the cabinets and furniture. It's fantastic. My mom is super excited. I personally can't wait until I can make something for myself. But my mom really wants to be the first one to cook in her new kitchen, which is just fine by me.

So far I haven't done much since being home. I've seen the family--my grandparents' 60th anniversary party was last weekend, and this weekend my cousin Drew, from the other side, is getting married. I didn't make it to my grandpa's funeral, so it will be really good to see everyone. Oh, the other news (I don' think I've posted about this yet)--I got accepted to Denver Seminary! I start the non-degree counseling program in January! So I am trying to figure out registering for classes and all that fun business. I am actually looking forward to taking classes again. The ones that are recommended for starters look really fun and interesting--Effective Biblical Interpretation, Understanding the Gospels and Acts, and Old Testament Wisdom Literature. Sweet! Other than that, I've just been enjoying being in civilization again. Going to Target was like going to the promised land. Hopefully I will be able to catch up with some people next week. Feel free to give me a call, if I don't give you one first!

Once in a rare while...

...I'll actually post something! This is just such a time. I'm actually really excited because I get to go home this Saturday! I had originally planned to stay until the end of October, but I need to go now. God has been stirring up a lot in my heart, and I don't think this is the place to walk through it. It's been really lonely here, and I've struggled with depression, and the issues that God is bringing to light. Way too complicated for a blog, but....yeah. Basically, I want to be in a sound spiritual environment and with the people who know me best as I try to walk through this. I think there are some areas of my heart that are closed off that He wants to open, and dark areas that He wants to shine His light into. Needless to say, I'm excited for a break. And to see everyone! If you are going to be in the area, give me shout! I can't wait to see everyone/catch up with everyone. Yay! Please also pray for me as I seek God on these issues and fight the enemy, who I know wants to keep these areas wrapped in darkness.

Praise You in the Storm

Hooray! Guests are gone. It's a great feeling. Today was the first day of work for the off season. I get to watch Steph's kids, which is great fun. Maggie, 3 yrs old, led a yoga class for us. Ella, 6 mos, has spent most of the day sleeping. Right now they are both down for naps, and I have some blessed free time on my hands.

Everyone had yesterday off. I went to breakfast and church, then spent the rest of the afternoon lying in bed watching special features from The Office. I napped somewhere in there, but I was lying in my bed until about 9 pm. I felt complete apathy toward anything that needed to be done, or the fact that I wasn't getting anything done. I didn't even have to shove the guilt under the rug--I just didn't care. I wondered if I'd ever want to do anything or be with people ever again. Today is better, though. It's been great playing with the kids, and I'm so glad I don't have to try to key up again for more people. Just people I already know and physical labor. Resting from the strained smiles, the forced cheerfulness when someone is snapping at you that you tried to kill them by serving them nuts (when it was only artificial almond flavoring), taking the blame for things that are not your fault and trying to look happy about it when all you want to do is tell them right where they can go--it's all over for two blissful months.

I do want to ask for prayers for Anita, the new head housekeeper and one of my closest friends here. She went home last Friday because her dad was in the hospital after suffering a massive heart attack, and he passed away Saturday night. It seems like she is doing well considering the circumstances. She's planning on coming back pretty soon after the funeral. Please send up a prayer for Anita and her family. Today's Melodic Monday goes out to them.

"Praise You In This Storm"
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Decisions have been made. I'll be here again for the winter. It's been a huge back-and-forth process. But there are some changes that make me really excited for the winter. It looks like I'll be able to take some intro counseling courses through Denver seminary while working. Also, I'll be switching to housekeeping. I need a change from the dining room. I am really excited for the opportunities you have to build relationships while housekeeping--you can actually talk while you work, not just run around like a chicken with its head cut off with four different chefs yakking at you. There are also regular hours, and evenings off, which will be great if taking classes pans out. Also, I have come to a place where I feel like I recognize that my gifts lie in behind-the-scenes work. I think it was good for me to be out in front for a while, to show that I could do it and that "gifts" wouldn't be something to hide behind, but now I realize that's really where I'm gifted, and I'm excited to have the chance to use it.

There are two more weeks of guests. Then staff starts to trickle out. I feel really fortunate to be able to stay here for the off season. I'll be heading home for a few weeks in November around Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to that, too. But mostly, I'm looking forward to things dying down around here. Life has been crazy since about half the staff left to start school again (haha, suckers!) and the rest of the staff has been trying to patch things together. It's been really hard in the kitchen because we've had a ton of people in and out lately, and everyone is on a different learning curve, and sometimes people forget this. I've really been struggling this past week--there's been a lot of tension. But I had a really good conversation with Ben where he told me, "Don't define yourself by what happens down there. That's like defining the cleanliness of your entire house by the toilet." I've also been reading Romans 8 and praying that the Spirit of Christ alive in me would put to death the misdeeds of the body, and that my mind would be controlled by the Spirit and be a mind of life and peace.

Melodic Monday - Hard to Get by Rich Mullins

Do You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth?
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt?
Do You remember when You lived down here, where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread?
Did You forget about us after Your had flown away?
Well, I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

Do You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin?
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness? Did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You are barely holding on and Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the one who loves me most
And after I have figured this, somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead and we cannot get free
Of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All these words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how you're leading me, unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along, I guess
It's just Your way, and You are just plain hard to get