Writer's Workshop

2009-10-15T08:35:00.000-07:00

So, I've been requested to blog some more. Pretty flattering. ;)

Life is crazy but has somewhat settled into a steady rhythm. I'm still working at the home Mon-Fri (looks like I'll be transferring to housekeeping soon--which is good) and taking classes Tues and Thurs night. Effective Biblical Interpretation and Intro to the Gospels and Acts. Next week: midterms. I've also started a paper that I'm finding pretty interesting. My topic is The Names and Titles of Jesus, and the one I'm specifically researching is Son of God.

I'm following the weekly research schedule my prof outlined in the syllabus. Not like me, but I haven't done a research paper in so long...different than an English essay! So far I've done a word search on "Son of God" and looked at the passages where it occurs in the gospels and Acts. Something that struck me was that it is most often used as a title of recognition. Martha calls Jesus Son of God when He asks her if she believes in Him right before He raises Lazarus. Peter calls Jesus the Son of God when he confesses Him as the Messiah. Demons most often refer to Him by this title, and when Satan tempts Him in the desert, he starts with, "If you are the Son of God..." I think the core of Jesus' identity is wrapped up in this title. Not His mission, His profession or His kingship, but the essence of what made Him who He was. Hm, I don't know if that makes sense. Good thing this is just a blog and not my paper!

Anyway, I would love to hear thoughts on this if you have any! Why is "Son of God" special, as opposed to "Son of Man" or "Lamb of God" or any of the many others?

Happy Thursday!

2009-08-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

My first day as a 26-yr-old. Man, am I old. Not really, it just seems weird that I could be 26. Wasn't I 18 yesterday or something? And now I feel old for saying that. I feel like every year I'm disappointed by my birthday because I have too high of expectations. This year I didn't actually have any expectations since I'm in a new city where I don't really know anyone. Christina (the roommate) took me out to dinner at P.F. Chang's, and while we were there, she had her friend Kelsa, who stayed with us for a couple weeks while she was looking for a place to live, and Matt and Melissa, who live upstairs, come to our apartment and make a cake. It was really nice of her to do that and really nice of them to come. I was kind of sad that people had to be recruited for my birthday, but it was still really nice of them.

Classes start next week. I'm really looking forward to having something going on besides work. I'm taking Effective Biblical Interpretation and Understanding the Gospels and Acts. Two evening classes, Tues and Thurs, 5 credit hours. I have new student orientation next Friday and my first class September 1. I am pretty stoked for it!

Spiritually, I've been going through a rough patch. Without going into excessive detail, I've struggled more than I ever have with depression and hopelessness. I've prayed and prayed for God to release me from my job, and last Sunday, I realized that what I wanted wasn't just release from the job but release from the depression and hopelessness I feel about my job. It seems so obvious, but I realized that Jesus isn't limited by my job. I don't have to feel that way even while I have this job. I still want a new one, but it's not like Jesus can't lift me out of these feelings.

They say realization is half the battle, but I'm still really struggling with the other half. I really should have gone down front for prayer last Sunday at church, but I hate feeling so conspicuous, especially since I barely know people at church. I hate spilling my messy emotional guts to strangers--it's so embarrassing. I can't keep it "neat" and that bothers me. But I know I can't do this alone--I've been trying all week and it's not working. Every time I have hopeless thoughts or start to sink into depression, or any time I try to think about getting prayer, I get a headache and feel dizzy and nauseas. Which makes me think it's purely spiritual attack, all lies of the enemy, and not grounded in anything real in my life. Or maybe I just need to figure out where I've given the enemy a foothold for this. In any event, I would so love your prayers, especially that I'll have the strength to go forward for prayer tomorrow at church.

2009-07-31T12:39:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of retitling this blog "Never A Dull Moment." That seems to be a fitting title for my life lately. I'm writing this in the Denver International Airport, where I'm waiting for the next 4 and a half hours for a stand-by flight. I missed my flight to San Francisco for my friend Anna's wedding. The wedding isn't until tomorrow, but I'm a bridesmaid and I was supposed to fly in early enough for the rehearsal dinner. Well, thanks to falling back asleep (for an HOUR) after my alarm, and leaving a lot of packing for the morning because I was going to get up early and do it, and underestimating travel time to the airport, and the parking lot being full and my inability to read signs (I bet I'm the only person who could get lost in an airport), I just missed my flight. I think I could have made it if I had run, but they wouldn't let me try at check-in. They put me on stand-by for this evening, which means, assumoing I can get on that flight (please!!), I'll be landing in the middle of the rehearsal dinner. It also means that instead of getting there in time to help Anna with last-minute details, I've become a stressful last-minute detail myself. I wouldn't mind if it were weather or something like that I couldn't help, but the fact that I did it to myself just makes me so mad. Well, now at least I get to ride the BART, something I've wanted to do ever since I read about in a book my mom had about a girl named Donna. Grrr.

Jogging

2009-07-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

To anyone who still reads this, thanks. I haven't died or lost my computer, I just haven't had a lot that I've felt like posting lately. It's been a pretty rough transition to Denver for several reasons, and to be honest, I've had some dark moments. I still don't really want to post about that--I haven't even really processed it because I don't want to go back to those times, even in memory. Sometime I will, but not now. There's actually a ton of material about my job and the homies. My roommate's boyfriend came up with that name for the residents, because they live in a home, and I like it.

But anyway, I signed on to post about something funny that happened to me while I was out for a run today. There are some great trails down by the Platte River where you can see the mountains. Right now there are a ton of wildflowers and it's really beautiful. Anyway, I had done the loop to Prince Street, and I was almost back to the parking lot--I just had to cross the bridge. I started getting closer to the bridge and realized that the section of the path right before it was roped off with caution tape. There was a man and a woman with an awning/tent thing set up and they had boxes of something on the grass and on their table. It was really odd, and I didn't want to do the entire loop again, so I tried to sneak around behind the trees. The guy saw me and said, "Whoa! Excuse me, ma'am! We have this caution tape up so people won't come back here." I said, "Sorry, I just need to cross the bridge to get to my car," and he said, "Next time please go around. We don't anyone to get hurt--these are explosives." ??? First of all, why do they have explosives? Second, why work with them in a carnival booth on the bike trails by the Platte? Third, if you must, why not pick a place on the grass instead of roping off a very popular, heavily trafficked path? None of this makes any sense to me. And what kind of explosives could these be? Fireworks? Then why not say fireworks?

I will say one thing: as difficult as life in Denver has been, it has never, not for one second, been dull.

Wide Open by Jason Aldean

2009-06-16T19:34:00.000-07:00

At the corner cafe,
She scrapes some quarters off the table,
Says, "Thanks, yeah, now maybe I'll be able
To get that black Mercedes,
I've been saving for."
The other girls say,
"You oughta undo a couple buttons,
Start showing off a little something."
She says, "Naw, y'all go ahead,
Think I'd rather stay poor.
See I'm just making rent."
She said, "This ain't where my road ends."

"This may not be my town,
But it'll do for now,
Til I can figure out,
Who I am,
Where I'm going."
She's slinging eggs and bacon,
With a college education
Just hanging out and waiting,
For a better plan,
She's ok not knowing,
She's young,
And the world's wide open.

There's a rusty old Ford,
Lives out back behind the diner,
Sitting there waiting on her to make her mind up,
It tends to sling a little gravel,
And take her who knows where,
Maybe head out west,
Into in God's hands, I guess.

She throws down that apron,
Takes the money she's been making,
Her life's out there waiting,
Got a better plan,
That's where she's going,
She's young,
And the world's wide open.

Welcome to Boulder

2009-06-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

I visited my friend Danielle in Boulder on Saturday. Boulder definitely has a reputation as the funkiest city in Colorado. Danielle told me how when she first moved there, when something weird would happen, people would just tell her, "Welcome to Boulder." I'd never been there before, but after one day, I love it.

Danielle took me downtown to the area where they have a farmer's market. It was over by the time we got there, but we walked by the creek and explored the public library, which is really awesome. It's built out of red rock and spans the creek. There's a waterfall inside, and the part that spans the creek is a coffee shop. Very cool. After checking out the library, we followed the path along the creek, which was not only very picturesque but very, um, Boulderesque. For starters, completely at random, we saw an old vacuum cleaner sitting by a light pole. In case anyone wanted to sweep the gravel off the path, apparently. With a very long extension cord. A little further down, we saw a guy rocking in a hammock hung in a tree by the creek. As we got a little closer, though, we realized that he wasn't alone, and he wasn't just "rocking." Welcome to Boulder.

After that, Danielle took me to her favorite coffee shop/book store. It was a really cute local place with exposed brick interior, huge windows, hanging plants, and a fun, laid-back atmosphere. Plus good coffee. I'm sold. We walked around the shops and streets and had some more "Welcome to Boulder" moments, including a veggie dog stand and a T-shirt with a picture of a tree stump tied up with yellow tape that said "Crime Scene - Do Not Cross."

Oh, and the biggest Boulder moment of all. We walked outside and heard a lot of yelling, hooting and hollering. We looked over to see what was going on, and found ourselves looking at the Boulder Naked Bike Ride. Actually, we were too far way to really see anything, but close enough to know that it was indeed a naked bike ride. Big fat welcome to Boulder.

I really loved it, though. It was a beautiful town, and much smaller than Denver, where I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of people. Closer to the mountains, too. If I stay in Colorado after seminary, I would think about living in Boulder. I need my family to move to Colorado, though.

Where the Green Grass Grows by Tim McGraw

2009-04-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

Six lanes, tail lights
Red ants marching into the night
They disappear to the left and right again
Another supper from a sack
A 99-cent heart attack
I've got a pounding head and an aching back
And the camel's buried in a big straw stack

I'm gonna live where the green grass grows
Watch my corn pop up in rows
Every night be tucked in close to you
Raise our kids where the good Lord's blessed
Point our rocking chairs toward the west
And plant our dreams where the peaceful river flows
And the green grass grows

I'm from a map dot
A stop sign on the blacktop
Caught the first bus I could hop from there
But all of this glitter is getting dark
There's concrete growing in the city park
I don't know who my neighbors are
There's bars on the corner and bars on my heart

I'm gonna live where the green grass grows
Watch my corn pop up in rows
Every night be tucked in close to you
Raise our kids where the good Lord's blessed
Point our rocking chairs toward the west
And plant our dreams where the peaceful river flows
And the green grass grows

Denver

2009-04-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

I have been reminded that, as much as I love Colorado and consider it my home too, I will always be a small-town Midwestern girl at heart. Denver isn't that huge of a city, and it's definitely not as busy or impersonal as Chicago, but compared to Lafayette or a guest ranch with 50 people you all know, it seems like it. I am used to people smiling and saying hello when you pass them on the park walk, not averting their eyes and acting creeped out by your friendliness. I'm used to cars stopping at the crosswalk in front of the grocery store (most of the time), and to people not darting out in front of you when they're not at a crosswalk (except on campus). I hate that I have to get on the interstate to get to work and get lost when I try to find an alternate route. I'm also used to most males holding doors for you or letting you walk in front of them. Apparently men don't have time for that in the big city. They have to rush off to drive 70 on the interstate and cut off confused girls with Indiana license plates who they refuse to acknowledge on the sidewalk.

As negative as that sounded, I think I'm going to like it here after I adjust my expectations. I too will learn to be fast, busy and self-absorbed. :) No, really, my apartment is great--we have a fireplace, and I have my own bathroom and a closet almost big enough to turn into a guest room, plus a dishwasher and our own washer and dryer. My room mate is great, too. Her name is Christina and she's really friendly and helpful. I haven't officially started work yet--they want to train me with another girl, so they're waiting to see when she can start. Right now they're going to put me on the night shift, 10 pm-6 am, which I'm not super excited about, but it's only supposed to be temporary. My boss is waiting to get his budget review back, and if everything is approved, he's going to put me in the dining room. I got the tour the other day and met some of the residents, and so far they seem really sweet. I have to take a two-day course to become a Med-Aide, which gives me a little more responsibility somehow. I don't really know much about the job yet. But it has benefits!! No more paying monthly for crappy insurance! Just rent...and car payments...and gas and food. Let's hear it for the adult life!

Faith

2009-03-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

“And that is faith, to do God’s will here and now, quietly leaving the results to Him. Faith leaves something to the Lord, it obeys His immediate commandment and leaves to Him direction and destiny. And so faith is accompanied by serenity. . . Concerning his yesterdays faith says, ‘You hem me in behind’. Concerning his tomorrows faith says, ‘You hem me in before’. Concerning his today faith says, ‘You have laid your hand upon me.’ That is enough, just to feel the pressure of the guiding hand.” (J. H. Jowett)

Boxing Day

2008-12-26T10:37:00.000-08:00

Happy Boxing Day, everybody. Christmas was crazy-busy, as could be expected. They've been having me pull double duty as a housekeeper and server, but in two days I should be able to go back to only housekeeping. Christmas morning was nice, with stockings for everyone and some time to sit around the fire. I had a break in the afternoon, too, but it was kind of rough. My grandma passed away last week, and we always spent Christmas day with that side of the family. I went home for the funeral, and I hated to jump back on a plane right before Christmas and leave everyone, esp since my grandpa passed away this summer, too, and it's really strange to think of Christmas without them. There were some tears. I actually started crying when I found out the housekeepers went for a horseback ride while I was working. It's so weird how you can have deep things going on in your life that you're thinking about and trying to process, but something small and stupid will set off the tears. Now I just have to make the push through New Years. After that life should slow down a bit. I'll have two days off a week--whoo-hoo! Right now I just want one day to SLEEP IN.

Melodic Monday - Be Still My Soul and I Need Thee Every Hour

2008-12-22T21:34:00.000-08:00

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as He has the past

Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below

I Need Thee Every Hour
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.
I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.
I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
Oh, make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son.
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

Rusty's Ranch Relay and the Adventures of Chico the Towel Burro

2008-12-13T20:17:00.000-08:00

Oh, what an eventful past couple of days! We've been having ranch orientation, which has entailed much training of the 4-star way to clean a cabin. It's been fun meeting everyone, and the housekeeping team is awesome. I'm so glad I decided to switch. But yesterday was when things really started happening.

To begin with, last night was Rusty's Super Ranch Relay. I knew I should be prepared for all possible disasters when I heard that Dace had put Rusty in charge of the "fun" activities, but I was not at all prepared for Rusty's Ranch Relay. There were some fairly harmless things, like trying to pop other teams' balloons while keeping your own from being popped, snowshoeing out to the pasture and having another teammate pull you back on a sled, and naming ten states and their capitals. But the other two completely canceled any harmless factor: The Pudding Challenge and Bobbing for Turds.

I guess Rusty, God love him, forgot we're not all thirteen-year-old boys when he picked those two games. Bobbing for Turds involved fun-sized Milky Way bars in yellow-dyed water with bits of toilet paper floating in it. People had to bob for them the same way you bob for apples. I almost vomited just watching.

The Pudding Challenge was my part of the relay. I had to pull a knee-high stocking over my head and slurp a Snack Pack chocolate pudding through it. It was actually not as hard as it sounds, but gross. I have never eaten a Snack Pack in under a minute before and I never hope to again--esp through a nylon net.

I have to admit, though, the night provided a lot of laughs and a lot of bonding. I think the stories will be told all season.

Today the other big adventure occurred. The housekeepers have been trying to figure out how to make towel animals. None of the instructions we had were for ranchy or western animals, so we tried to combine an elephant and a dog to make a horse. It ended up looking like a burro, which gained the name Chico. Today, we walked into the laundry room, and Chico the Burro was lying on his side with a bull's eye drawn on his side! Naturally we were outraged. We wrote a note from Chico's mother, conveying her heart-brokenness and anger, and left it with Chico on the seat of the ranch hands' truck.

Tonight was also a lot of fun. Tomorrow is our first day off, and lots of people were planning on going out, but it started snowing really hard, so most people just stuck around. I baked cookies, and Anita and Matt had their guitar and flute respectively, so I had a personal serenade while I baked. More people trickled in later, and we played Scattegories for a while, and there was lots of hanging out and some wine and laughs. It's always weird at the start of a season, getting to know everyone and realizing that everyone from last season is gone, but I think this winter is going to be really good.

Vista Verde Adventures

2008-12-08T15:34:00.000-08:00

I am safely back in Colorado, and oh, what a journey it was. I rode out with my friend Mindy across the most boring states in our union. It remained very boring until we crossed the border from Wyoming into Colorado and Mindy's car started making noise. We kept going to the closest town, a tiny little podunk place named Walden, and stopped at the gas station. The auto repair place was closed because it was Sunday, but they lady in the gas station referred us to this guy who was in the store and said he was good with cars. This older gentleman, who goes by the name of Tex, said that a connecting rod was out in the engine. It was knocking into it, and if we kept going, it would knock a hole in the engine and catch on fire. He was a very nice, fatherly type. So anyway, apparently he owns 80 acres outside of town, and has a lot of work vehicles and restores cars on the side. So he offered to lend us one of his vehicles for $50 dollars and keep Mindy's car at his place until she decides what to do. I'm pretty sure he's an angel in disguise. Except he has relatives in Indiana. His brother-in-law is actually head of the chemistry department at Purdue! He got really excited when he found out we were alum. It pays to be a Boilermaker!

So we set out from Walden in Tex's old pick-up truck, a bright orange vehicle that he bought from the county. Hilarious. We were so thankful to arrive at the ranch. But there was no heat in our house! The thermostat is stuck at 56 degrees. Bill, the maintenance guy, is trying to fix it, but last night I slept in two sets of long johns, plus my pajamas, plus my down winter coat and huge pile of blankets. I kept getting up and adding more layers. Ridiculous! I really hope this problem is fixed soon!

Well, it's back to staying in touch through the virtual world. I will keep reading your blogs and follow your lives!

Melodic Monday

2008-11-10T13:21:00.000-08:00

I got a phone call from my college roommate Anna last night telling me that she is engaged! I met the guy when I visited her in Berkley last spring, and he is super nice and I think they are so well-suited for each other. I also heard this song and it reminded me of my EDGE Corps roommate, Katie, and a dance she taught me to it. So, this Melodic Monday goes out to Anna & Eric and Katie Clark!

don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry
C`mon, let's try

Am I crazy for wanting you?
Baby, do you think you could want me too ?
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do ?
I just wanna know if you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You beautiful soul, yeah.

2008-11-09T13:15:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't written a deep post in a really long time. Here goes an attempt at one. Lately I have bee feeling disconnected. came home a few weeks early to try to get some extra time with God and some counseling. The counselor only had three appointment times available. Two have already passed. The first one was kind of spent just getting her up to speed on where I was, and when I showed up for the second one, she didn't. I know there are crisis calls and all kinds of stuff that can happen in that job, but I was really disappointed and I still haven't heard from her. I'm sure it was just some kind of mis- or noncommunication, but time is so limited. I'm supposed to have my third one this Tues. I really hope there's some kind of breakthrough. Today at church when Tony asked people who have felt like a disconnected "branch" to come forward for prayer, I should have gone. I don't know why that's always so awkward for me, but I feel weird walking up in front of everyone, especially when it gets so jam-packed and Tony's calling out, "We need more people to pray! We need more people to pray!" It was so nice just to be at church, though.

I've felt like I'm in the middle of spiritual warfare lately. When I came home, I wanted a couple days to just rest and not think about anything, but then it was like I never started thinking again. I haven't really been praying or in the Word. I've just been in this static state. There have been a few moments, but all in all, it's kind of sucked. I feel like there is this blackness that keeps reaching for me. I keep having thoughts like "This winter will be so hard" and "You'll just fall away" and "You won't have any close friends" and "You'll just be so sad." The good thing is that, so far, they've all been identifiable as attacks and lies, but I haven't really fought. I've just turned off the thoughts and continued in my static state. When I decided to come home early, I felt like Jesus was showing me that there were areas of my heart that had been closed off in darkness (by me, out of self-protection), and He was going to begin the process of opening doors to those areas. But I've felt nothing but bad about myself since coming home. This summer was so draining, physically, mentally and spiritually, and I don't want to do anything. I don't want to make new relationships that I'll have to sever in December. I don't want to work when I'm going to jump right back into the insanely busy holiday season at the ranch. And I desperately don't want to leave spiritual feeding and fellowship.

This blog has been so rambly. I don't think I really know what I'm trying to say. But I would love prayers.

Extreme Home Makeover - The Camping Edition

2008-10-24T10:27:00.001-07:00

I have a feeling that I'll be blogging a lot more since being home. Maybe not...we'll see.

I'm sitting in Panera having lunch. This is not just a pleasure, it's a necessity. I returned home to find my parent's house in the throes of remodeling. They warned me, but I didn't understand the extent of this project. I walked into the house to find the family room full of nonperishable food items, the refrigerator and microwave relocated to the garage, and the kitchen and dining room completely gutted. My room was packed full of storage--I've been sleeping on an air mattress that just fits between the desk and the closet in my sister's old room. We eat canned and boxed and frozen food from paperware. We joke that it's exactly like indoor camping except we still have nice bathrooms.

Today was a big delivery day. They just finished installing the new floor and cabinets, and today they brought the sink, oven, countertops, living room furniture, and dining room table. It looks great. My parents have really opened up the spaces and made use of the windows and natural lighting. The sink looks out a window, the dining room table is right under the double windows, and the living room furniture lets you sit and look out the sliding glass door. They picked out a really pretty cherry wood for the cabinets and furniture. It's fantastic. My mom is super excited. I personally can't wait until I can make something for myself. But my mom really wants to be the first one to cook in her new kitchen, which is just fine by me.

So far I haven't done much since being home. I've seen the family--my grandparents' 60th anniversary party was last weekend, and this weekend my cousin Drew, from the other side, is getting married. I didn't make it to my grandpa's funeral, so it will be really good to see everyone. Oh, the other news (I don' think I've posted about this yet)--I got accepted to Denver Seminary! I start the non-degree counseling program in January! So I am trying to figure out registering for classes and all that fun business. I am actually looking forward to taking classes again. The ones that are recommended for starters look really fun and interesting--Effective Biblical Interpretation, Understanding the Gospels and Acts, and Old Testament Wisdom Literature. Sweet! Other than that, I've just been enjoying being in civilization again. Going to Target was like going to the promised land. Hopefully I will be able to catch up with some people next week. Feel free to give me a call, if I don't give you one first!

Once in a rare while...

2008-10-12T20:11:00.000-07:00

...I'll actually post something! This is just such a time. I'm actually really excited because I get to go home this Saturday! I had originally planned to stay until the end of October, but I need to go now. God has been stirring up a lot in my heart, and I don't think this is the place to walk through it. It's been really lonely here, and I've struggled with depression, and the issues that God is bringing to light. Way too complicated for a blog, but....yeah. Basically, I want to be in a sound spiritual environment and with the people who know me best as I try to walk through this. I think there are some areas of my heart that are closed off that He wants to open, and dark areas that He wants to shine His light into. Needless to say, I'm excited for a break. And to see everyone! If you are going to be in the area, give me shout! I can't wait to see everyone/catch up with everyone. Yay! Please also pray for me as I seek God on these issues and fight the enemy, who I know wants to keep these areas wrapped in darkness.

Praise You in the Storm

2008-09-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

Hooray! Guests are gone. It's a great feeling. Today was the first day of work for the off season. I get to watch Steph's kids, which is great fun. Maggie, 3 yrs old, led a yoga class for us. Ella, 6 mos, has spent most of the day sleeping. Right now they are both down for naps, and I have some blessed free time on my hands.

Everyone had yesterday off. I went to breakfast and church, then spent the rest of the afternoon lying in bed watching special features from The Office. I napped somewhere in there, but I was lying in my bed until about 9 pm. I felt complete apathy toward anything that needed to be done, or the fact that I wasn't getting anything done. I didn't even have to shove the guilt under the rug--I just didn't care. I wondered if I'd ever want to do anything or be with people ever again. Today is better, though. It's been great playing with the kids, and I'm so glad I don't have to try to key up again for more people. Just people I already know and physical labor. Resting from the strained smiles, the forced cheerfulness when someone is snapping at you that you tried to kill them by serving them nuts (when it was only artificial almond flavoring), taking the blame for things that are not your fault and trying to look happy about it when all you want to do is tell them right where they can go--it's all over for two blissful months.

I do want to ask for prayers for Anita, the new head housekeeper and one of my closest friends here. She went home last Friday because her dad was in the hospital after suffering a massive heart attack, and he passed away Saturday night. It seems like she is doing well considering the circumstances. She's planning on coming back pretty soon after the funeral. Please send up a prayer for Anita and her family. Today's Melodic Monday goes out to them.

"Praise You In This Storm"
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

2008-09-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

Decisions have been made. I'll be here again for the winter. It's been a huge back-and-forth process. But there are some changes that make me really excited for the winter. It looks like I'll be able to take some intro counseling courses through Denver seminary while working. Also, I'll be switching to housekeeping. I need a change from the dining room. I am really excited for the opportunities you have to build relationships while housekeeping--you can actually talk while you work, not just run around like a chicken with its head cut off with four different chefs yakking at you. There are also regular hours, and evenings off, which will be great if taking classes pans out. Also, I have come to a place where I feel like I recognize that my gifts lie in behind-the-scenes work. I think it was good for me to be out in front for a while, to show that I could do it and that "gifts" wouldn't be something to hide behind, but now I realize that's really where I'm gifted, and I'm excited to have the chance to use it.

There are two more weeks of guests. Then staff starts to trickle out. I feel really fortunate to be able to stay here for the off season. I'll be heading home for a few weeks in November around Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to that, too. But mostly, I'm looking forward to things dying down around here. Life has been crazy since about half the staff left to start school again (haha, suckers!) and the rest of the staff has been trying to patch things together. It's been really hard in the kitchen because we've had a ton of people in and out lately, and everyone is on a different learning curve, and sometimes people forget this. I've really been struggling this past week--there's been a lot of tension. But I had a really good conversation with Ben where he told me, "Don't define yourself by what happens down there. That's like defining the cleanliness of your entire house by the toilet." I've also been reading Romans 8 and praying that the Spirit of Christ alive in me would put to death the misdeeds of the body, and that my mind would be controlled by the Spirit and be a mind of life and peace.

Melodic Monday - Hard to Get by Rich Mullins

2008-08-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

Do You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth?
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt?
Do You remember when You lived down here, where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread?
Did You forget about us after Your had flown away?
Well, I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

Do You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin?
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness? Did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You are barely holding on and Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the one who loves me most
And after I have figured this, somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead and we cannot get free
Of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All these words of shame and doubt, blame and regret
I can't see how you're leading me, unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along, I guess
It's just Your way, and You are just plain hard to get

Too long!

2008-08-05T15:06:00.000-07:00

It's been too long since I've blogged! Things have been CRAZY! Oh my goodness. I don't even know where to start. So...Teresa left the ranch. She had some things she felt like she had to work out with family. That left me and Brooke as co-second in command when Bekah's not in the dining room. I love working with Brooke; she's awesome. But we had some problems with one of the other girls....WAY too long a story to write down here, but basically, she escaped being fired by the skin of her teeth, and she's been reassigned to watering plants. So we're down to four servers, and Maggie leaves at the end of this week, and Brooke leaves the 21st. So Amy and Mindy from housekeeping are cross-training as servers. Insanity.

The last day of the season is September 23. I still have no idea what I'm going to do next. I really want to come back here for the winter season, but I don't feel peace when I pray about it. I'm really sick of the back-and-forth existence, too. I can't start grad school yet. I just want to get married and have babies. Not looking like it's in the cards for me any time soon, though. I would love to have a management position here and stay in the off season. But none of those are really open, and no one has offered them to me or said anything about me staying. Plus, I just have a gut feeling that God is going to move me on. But I'm really, REALLY reluctant to jump back into "I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I can't find a job, I'm living with my parents," etc. That was THE WORST. If I had something I was leaving for, I'd be a lot more settled about it. If I had a car, I'd be tempted to road-trip to CA and live in my car for a few months. Not really. Besides, I don't have one. Maybe I should make Dace an offer on his old pick-up. I don't really have money to throw around if I'm going to jump back into the well of unemployment. Grrr. I hate this.

...On that note, I have to start getting ready for dinner. I would really, really appreciate some prayers for direction and provision!

Update

2008-07-08T16:27:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting in my favorite Steamboat coffee house, Off the Beaten Path. I liked their old location much much better, but it is still a good place.

My grandpa's funeral is today. I ended up not going home. He had been sick for so long that I felt like I had already come to terms with it. I told my parents that if they wanted me to be with them, I would go, but they agreed that it was best for me to stay and save the cost of a ticket, especially since I'm going to see them for my friend Julie's wedding in a little over a week. They thought it was more important that I had time with him while he was alive. I was able to talk to them today, so that was good.

Grief is a funny thing. I was so prepared for this, yet it's still a loss. For the first two days, I was so caught up in trying to learn the details of the service and figure out if I was going home or not that I just felt really shell-shocked about it. Then Saturday night, I was looking at some pictures of my grandparents that my aunt posted, and it hit me that he was really gone. I'm not going to see him next Christmas or hear his voice on the phone when he calls. He would always tell my dad to give us a "squeeze"--and something about apple pie and cheese. "Apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze." That was one of his little sayings. His parents were German, but the only phrase he knew how to say was "Beer and ham sandwich, please." He was very generous and always remembered our birthdays and Christmas, even thought there are over 20 grandchildren (my aunt and uncle are expecting right now--this new one will make 23). It's been a long time since I've seen that side of the family. My cousin Drew is getting married this fall, so I will see them then.

My grandpa had this horrific suit coat that was 70's polyester blend and ugly shades of red, purple and orange, I think with some blue and/or green thrown in there, too. When Grandpa decided to get rid of it, my Uncle Steve wore it to a costume party as a used car salesman. Eventually it resurfaced at family Christmases and got passed around from family member to family member. It was always a lot of fun to see who would get the ugly coat and how creatively they could re-gift it next year.

I'm so glad to have a day off today. It's been hard trying to function normally at work. There are times when it's appropriate to grieve and cry and times when it's not--I can't be weeping while I'm taking orders, for instance. But having to put these emotions on hold was super hard and took all my energy, and I ended up snapping at my coworkers and crying at simple reprimands from the chefs. I got so used to having to stuff the emotions that I couldn't get them to surface when I had a break, and they popped up in odd ways like the ones already mentioned. I felt annoyed by people making silly jokes and having trivial fun. I didn't know where the anger was coming from, and then I remembered this quote from one of my friends: "Anger is the face of grief." Yesterday I found a sweet spot--a little rocky island in the middle of the river that you have to bushwhack to get to, so no rides or hikes go by--and just cried for about 20 min. That was really helpful. I still feel like I might get easily annoyed or be short-tempered, but I'm ready to move on. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow, though. Ugh.

I got my hair cut and got my nails done today. That was really nice. Thanks for letting me process all this on this good ol' blog.

2008-07-04T10:59:00.001-07:00

I got a call from my dad this morning that my grandpa passed away early this morning. It's totally not a suprise, and lots of things came about in the best possible way. He was in his own bed, which was good because he was determined not to go back to the hospital. They were able to call my uncles and aunt to be with him in time. My parents got to go see him about two weeks ago, and they found out about him right before my mom was about to leave for the weekend, so she was able to stay with my dad. My brother was already coming home for the fourth of July. I still don't know if I'll be going home or not. In some ways it's easier to stay here because I know my mom's way of processing would be to talk about it nonstop, while mine is solitary grieving and inward processing before I'm ready to talk about it. I have a really good support system here; I don't feel at all alone. But I would like to go home for the service, I think, and have that closure and chance to say goodbye. The hardest part for me is that he wasn't a believer. I can't think about that. I don't know what kind of service they'll be having. He's going to be cremated, so there's no burial. I would appreciate prayers for my family!

Emotional breakdown

2008-07-02T17:14:00.000-07:00

I came home from dinner tonight to find my bedroom door locked. I could hear music playing inside, so I pounded on it until my room mate came and opened it. She thought I was working and locked it "for privacy reasons." What? Who else would go into our room without knocking if she just closed the door? I wanted to change my clothes because I got soaked by the stupid lawn sprinklers that come on at the most inopportune moments. It really bugged me that I couldn't. Once Teresa got back in the shower (yes, I knocked until she got out of the shower to let me in), I burst into tears. I didn't know why such a stupid little thing would get me so worked up. I think I have just been emotionally on edge for a while--I've been struggling with discontent, jealousy and trying to learn to healthily walk through my fears--and all it took was a stupid little thing to send me off the deep end. Also, we've been close since being here, and the past few days she's been really upset but won't talk to me about it. I know she just needs time to herself to process, but for some reason I've let it hurt my feelings. Her locking the door on me was a physical manifestation of how I feel like it's been lately. Also, I don't feel as free to share when she doesn't share, and I feel like a lot is weighing on my mind. Grr, I don't know how to handle these emotions well. I know I really need someone to pray for me. So, if you're reading this, feel free to take that task upon yourself!

If I Were a Carpenter

2008-06-26T21:29:00.000-07:00

I love the Johnny Cash and June Carter version of this song.

[ Johnny: ]
If I were a carpenter and you were a lady,
Would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby?
[ June: ]
If you were a carpenter and I were a lady,
I'd marry you anyway. I'd have your baby.

[ Johnny: ]
If a tinker was my trade, would I still find you?
[ June: ]
I'd be carryin' the pots you made, followin' behind you.

[ June & Johnny: ]
Save your love through loneliness
Save your love through sorrow
[ Johnny: ]
I gave you my onliness.
[ June & Johnny: ]
Give me your tomorrow.

[ Johnny: ]
If I were a miller, at a mill wheel grindin',
Would you miss your colored blouse and your soft shoes shinin'?
[ June: ]
If you were a miller, at a mill wheel grindin'
I'd not miss my colored blouse and my soft shoes shinin'.

[ June & Johnny: ]
Save your love through loneliness
Save your love through sorrow
[ Johnny: ]
I gave you my onliness,
Give me your tomorrow.

[ Johnny: ]
If I worked my hands in wood, would you still love me?
[ June: ]
I'd answer you, "Yes I would."
[ Johnny: ]
And would you not be above me?
[ Johnny: ]
If I were a carpenter and you were a lady,
[ June: ]
I'd marry you anyway. I'd have your baby.

[ June & Johnny: ]
Save your love through loneliness.
Save your love through sorrow.
[ Johnny: ]
I gave you my onliness.
[ June & Johnny: ]
Give me your tomorrow.

2008-06-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't died or fallen off the face of the earth. I have just been working a lot. They weren't kidding when they said the summer was faster-paced than winter. It has been really, really good, though. I am so glad that I'm here. God has been moving in incredible ways, both in my heart and in people around me. I think I'm really starting to experience the fullness of healing in some areas, and understanding the beauty and sovereignty of God's plan. I have had some really awesome times with my awesome room mate, Teresa. We do Bible study and pray together. It's amazing how God has transformed her and how she has completely responded to Him. It's a reminder to me of the gospel and its transforming power, and seeing Jesus at work in her is like seeing a flower unfold in the sun.

I have been booking 10-12 hour days the past couple weeks. Now that we all know our jobs a little better and can work more smoothly, we are down to 8-10 hour days. I like this better for my health and sanity, but I miss the overtime pay. But it is just so gorgeous here that I want to soak it up as much as possible. Right now it's wildflower season and everything is bursting into color. The sad thing is that the lodgepole pine beetles have killed a ton of trees and they've had to come down, and forests are turning into meadows. It's so sad. We went out to the original homestead cabin for breakfast ride on Tues, and 2/3 of the trees were down. Very depressing.

So, I am still reading all your blogs and keeping up on your lives! Keep me posted, friends! Love to you!

Finally, update!

2008-06-10T18:04:00.000-07:00

Due to first-week craziness and an iffy wireless connection, I have been unable to update for some time. Also, not a lot has happened. Life continues to go on at the ranch. Today was my day off, so I went to Craig and did some shopping. I found some good deals on Western belts and shirts, some groceries, and some gorgeous new cowgirl boots! They were not a super good deal, but I am still excited about them. We have to wear them every day, so I needed some good ones that didn't hurt my feet. The loaners I had from the barn weren't doing the trick.

I have made a sticker chart for myself. I decided that this is a summer of overcoming fears. So I wrote down categories of things I'm afraid of (snakes, boys, authority figures, rock climbing, mountain biking, and confrontation), and every time I do something I'm afraid of in those areas, I get a sticker. Obviously these are not my deepest, darkest fears--I don't want to post those on the wall on a sticker chart. Also, they are things that I think I can reasonably overcome during this time period.

"Real" guests are here for the first time this week. It's definitely a faster pace than the winter. I was overwhelmed yesterday. I think it will take some time to get used to it. There are some really cute kids here, though. One little four-year-old girl, Ava, is a stitch. I was talking to her at breakfast yesterday, and she saw my Cinderella watch and asked, "Isn't Cinderella for kids?" Kids and me, Ava. Kids and me.

Yesterday I hiked up to Hinman Lake. It's about 20 min above the ranch (it's weird to think of distance in "above" and "beneath"). It was absolutely gorgeous. I followed the trail beyond the lake until I came to a fence with a "Private Property--No Trespassing" sign. This was frustrating because I could actually see the ranch from where I was, but I turned around and went back. When I got back to the lake, I didn't like the idea of taking the exact same path and decided to walk around the other side of the lake. There was no trail per se, but there seemed to be a little deer trail and I thought I could follow it. Well, I forgot to take into account that deer are four-footed creatures with hooves adapted to climbing steep slopes and tiny ridges in the Rocky Mountains. I ended up hanging on to tree branches for dear life and inching along some parts on my butt. I had also seen tracks earlier that I thought might be mountain lion tracks, and every little noise made my heart jump into my mouth. I kept talking to myself and singing loudly to try to keep it away because I heard that they are afraid of loud, confident-seeming creatures. This is why I hike alone.

I am excited to wear my new clothes to work tomorrow!

I'm it!

2008-06-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
1. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
2. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read the player’s blog.
3. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

Q. What were you doing 5 years ago today?
1.Working at Glen Eyrie for a Nav summer training program
2. Housekeeping for the Glen
3. Learning about honesty with God
4. Hiking to the Punch Bowls
5. Dreading lunch set up

Q. 5 things on your to do list today (well, Monday)
1- Take out the trash
2- Hike to Hinman Lake
3- Write a new blog update
4- Ask Anita if I can borrow her car to go to town tomorrow
5- Hunt down some chocolate and eat it

Q. 5 snacks you enjoy
Only 5? Ha!
1- Enteman's Devil's Food Chocolate Frosted donuts
2- Double Stuff Oreos
3- Flavored Triscuits or Wheat Thins with mozzarella cheese
4- Apples with peanut butter and raisins
5- Dove and Ghiridelli chocolate

Q. 5 things you would do if you were a billionaire
1- Go to grad school
2- Buy a castle in Ireland for a summer home
3- Open my missionary hospitality bed and breakfast
4- Own a horse
5- Buy a husband (just kidding). I second Ann's "have a lot of fun randomly giving money away."

Q. 5 jobs you have had
1- Guest ranch dining room server
2- Paraprofessional
3- Navigator staff
4- National Soil Erosion Lab summer employee
5- Residence Halls summer utility worker

25?

2008-05-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

Right now I smell like sunscreen, grass, and sun-baked hair. I love it. It smells like summer and the outdoors. I got to spend some time outside today, just sweeping the walkways, but being out in the sun was great. We have our first "official" guest tonight--some folks who are having a wedding here. They have planted some new trees and, according to Dace, will be removing all the ugly yellow construction machines. However, I can still see some from my window. I can't wait until they're gone and this place goes back to peaceful, natural beauty.

Things have been going pretty well. It's nice to already be in the loop. Up to now it's been a busy whirlwind of preparation for opening. It feels a little strange having so much bigger and younger of a crowd than the winter. There are almost twice as many girls as guys, and most of the girls are still in college. I definitely had an "age check" moment when Rob was telling us a story about something that happened to him in 1987. To joke around with him, I said, "I was four years old in 1987," and Brooke, one of the other servers, pipes up with, "I wasn't even born in 1987!" I guess I deserved it for making fun of Rob. I still can't believe I'm going to be 25 in August. We're hosting a wedding at the ranch this weekend, and Steve walked in and said, "This could be your wedding someday!" Thank you for highlighting my singleness, Steve. It's been a bit of a struggle because there's sooo many younger, skinny, pretty girls here. Comparing myself to other girls has always been something that's hard for me. I just wish people wouldn't make comments that stir the dormant longings in me. So far, I have not gotten to know people on a deep level, but there does not seem to be anyone that I'm interested in.

Somehow I have veered topics. The rehearsal dinner tonight was good. The bride and groom are a lovely, friendly couple. Right now I am hanging out in with my housemates in Hallie and Anita's room. Overall, life is good.

Melodic Monday

2008-05-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

Teresa and Anita treated me to a private concert of this song. :)

Oklahoma Hills by Hank Thompson

Many months have come and gone
since I wandered from my home
In those Oklahoma Hills where I was born
Many a page of life has turned
many a lesson I have learned
Yet I feel like in those hills I still belong

Way down yonder in the Indian nation
I rode my pony on the reservation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I was born
A-way down yonder in the Indian nation
a cowboy's life is my occupation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I born

But as I sit here today
many miles I am away
From the place I rode my pony through the draw
Where the Oak and Blackjack trees
kiss the playful prairie breeze
In those Oklahoma Hills where I was born.

Way down yonder in the Indian nation
I rode my pony on the reservation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I was born
A-way down yonder in the Indian nation
a cowboy's life is my occupation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I born

As I turn life a page
to the land of the great Osage
To those Oklahoma Hills where I was born
Where the black oil rolls and flows
and the snow-white cotton grows
In those Oklahoma Hills where I was born.

Way down yonder in the Indian nation
I rode my pony on the reservation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I was born
A-way down yonder in the Indian nation
a cowboy's life is my occupation
In the Oklahoma Hills where I born

Cowgirl Up!

2008-05-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

Today the wranglers did the first "running in" of the horses, which is when they run them down the road from the pasture to the corral. Bekah let us stop work for a minute to go out on the porch and watch. They did it during the busy holiday time last winter, and it was always so beautiful and stirring, like watching the scene at the end of Hidalgo when they set all the wild horses free.

The horses started coming by, wranglers stationed along the road to urge them on. We watched as they galloped into the corral. Suddenly a pack of about ten of them broke loose and started looping back around the other way to the road. Bekah yelled, "Come on!" and started running. We blindly followed her. We ran to a fork in the road, where she said, "Some of you stay here, and someone come with me down here to keep them from running over the cattle guard." I followed her, still acting on instinct. "What do we do?" I asked Bekah, and she said, "Yell at them and wave your arms. They won't run over you."

I'm still slightly nervous around horses just because they're so big and could hurt me without meaning to. But they thundered around the corner, and Bekah shouted and waved her arms, and there was nothing to do but yell "Hey! Hey! Go the other way!" at the top of my lungs and wave my arms like a mad woman. And somehow it worked. Thankfully the horses don't care what you yell. Even though the wranglers were giving cowboy cries of "Hi-yup!" apparently "Hey, go the other way" works just as well.

It was actually a lot of fun. I felt like I was in a cowboy movie. As we walked back inside, we shared high fives with the housekeepers, who had blocked off another branch of the road with their truck. Servers and housekeepers save the day!

We've been reweaving the backs of the dining room chairs. The chairs were actually made in a prison in Indiana, which is amusing to me. We have to patch the parts that are broken or falling out. I thought it would be like a fun craft, but it's actually super frustrating. Once you start pulling out a piece, you pretty much have to reweave the whole chair. If you try to use little short pieces, they pull out when they dry. I was ready to throw mine out the window by the end of today. But we are splitting it up with fun activities, like making espressos and a treasure hunt to learn where things are kept. It's sooo helpful to have worked here before. I feel much less incompetent. Tonight is our practice barn dance, so that should be fun, too.

WOW!

2008-05-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

I am back in Colorado, back at good old Vista Verde. Soon after we arrived, Dace pulled me aside and told me I'd be living in the Parlor, the new staff quarters that had been built during the off season. Sweet, I thought. Well, we got there, and I just about flipped out! The polite term of "rustic" that I used for the bunkhouse does not apply in any way! Best part--I am rooming with Teresa! We have our own bedroom with a bunkbed, our own bathroom, and we each have our very own closet! I don't know what to do with this much space! There are two more bedrooms, one with two girls and one with three, who share a suite-style bathroom. We definitely lucked out. Everything is new and beautiful. There's a kitchen! I can cook and bake! Downstairs in the basement is the common room with the TV, but it's all the way in the basement! There's yards of space and two doors we can close between us if we're trying to sleep. They also moved the fitness equipment to the basement. We have our very own home gym! I went to the bunkhouse to get some stuff that I stored there during the break, and I pitied those poor souls.

It's been fun to see everyone from last season. I still feel like I haven't met many new people, but that will come. Right now I'm going to shower and hit the sack and try to get used to this time change.

MY HOME IS AWESOME!

2008-05-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

I've begun the whirlwind of madly packing up my life, which of course I put off to the last minute. I think part of me was in denial this time. It's definitely time for a change, though. I can't keep living with the rents and working for my cousin. Of course, if I had been planning on staying longer, I would have been on the look-out for a new situation. I think this lasted just the right amount of time. I don't know what I'll do when I come back, though...ok, one step at a time.

Thursday was the first time it really hit me that my time in Lafayette is almost over. There was always "one more thing" to look forward to, but the "We'll miss you" cookie at girls' night clued me in (thanks for the cookie, by the way, Kim and Sheena and whoever else engineered that! It was a fun surprise and very yummy!). I tend to live in denial for a while before I face some things, so I spent the rest of that evening pretending it wasn't really the last time I would see people. But then I had to hug everyone and tell them goodbye...it's really hard to pretend you're not leaving at that point. I cried on the way home, not surprising to those who know my tendency to be a "leaky faucet," I'm sure. Anyone up for a church transplant? The Rockies are beautiful this time of year!

I've been thinking about this song a lot. I'm not really a fan of Superchick (other than the classic "Princes and Frogs"), but I love the lyrics to this song.

"Pure"
This is my brand new day starting now
I let go the things that weigh me down
And rob me of the beauty that's to be found
And life all around
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above, my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

This is my brand new day in the light
Troubles rising up on the left and the right
I keep my eyes fixed on where i want to go, the rest will follow
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

This is my brand new day starting now
Letting go of the ways that i fall down
The old can be made new, the lost can be found, the lost will be found
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above my burden is easing
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

My soul is at ease and i am free
My soul is at ease and i am free

This is my day, my soul is at ease and i am free
(and i am free, and i am free)
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

What breed of dog are you?

2008-05-15T19:19:00.000-07:00

Got this from Ann:

Wow, You're a Labrador Retriever!
Labrador Retriever
The Caretaker
Your family is what makes you tick, and you never "flea" from an opportunity to hang out with the whole gang. A family picnic complete with hot dogs, deviled eggs and a refreshing swim in the lake is hard for you to stray from. Your sparky temperament and dogged intelligence mean you are not only a blast to hang out with, but great to work with as well. Your close pals appreciate your patience and forgiveness, knowing you'd rather let sleeping dogs lie than dwell on the mishaps of the past. Your dashing good looks may one day lead to a modelling career, if only you can tame the unfortunate clumsiness that sometimes causes you to go flailing from the catwalk. Learn more »
FAMOUS LABRADOR RETRIEVERS: Bill Cosby, Jackie Onassis, Dr. Phil, David Beckham
LIKELY PROFESSIONS: Doctor, Sales Executive, Teacher

Tired

2008-05-12T19:25:00.001-07:00

Well, my car did start. I don't know what was going on with it. Before I got in the second time, I stopped for a second and said, "Jesus, please start this car!" And He did. So thanks, Jesus!

Wow, what a looong week/weekend! I had no idea about these big "floral holidays." Last night I fell asleep on my bed while I was watching TV, probably around 6:30. I woke up at 1 am and realized that I was still in my jeans and hadn't brushed my teeth. I pretty much hadn't moved. So I quickly changed and attended to my oral hygiene and went back to sleep until 6 am. And I'm still tired enough to feel ready for an early bedtime tonight. This is one of the things that lets me appreciate singleness. If I had three kids to look after, no way could I have fallen asleep that early and stayed asleep so long. I'm sure I'll miss it when kids come into the picture. Not that it won't be worth it. I am just going to enjoy my hours of uninterrupted sleep while I can.

I am starting to gear up for my departure this Sunday. Packing, sorting, last-minute errands and work. I definitely have mixed feelings about leaving this time. It was really hard being away from fellowship and being with people who were mostly younger than me and did not necessarily spur me on to love and good deeds. I definitely learned and grew a lot from being in that situation, but the time at home has been so refreshing and healing and growing in a different, less abrasive way. Right now I'm thinking that I'd like to move back to Lafayette after the season. I'll need to find somewhere to work and hopefully somewhere else to live...but I want to be here. I'm tired of all the back-and-forth and I'm ready to put down some roots. I'm ready to have a "real" job and pay rent and use all the stuff that I keep saving for "some day when I have my own place." I don't want to be away over the holidays again if I can help it. So, if anyone knows of any good places to live/work starting in September...ok, I know, still a long ways off.

2008-05-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

Right now I am frustrated because my car won't start. There's no good reason for this. This is my last time at RVC before I leave for Colorado, and I refuse to miss it. I am going to try my car again soon, and if it doesn't start, I will try calling people to see if anyone is going to the second service, even though I think almost everyone I have numbers for goes to 1st service. Grrrr!

This week has been really busy. The floral industry has been hoppin' for Mother's Day. The other girl who works there has also been out of town, so I've been learning a lot of new stuff like how to use the computers and how to "greens" a basket, which means sticking leaves of leatherleaf fern into a chunk of floral foam glued in a basket. Good times. Yesterday my cousin recruited our extended family to help her with all the Mother's Day craziness. My mom and I delivered together. It was fun to spend some time with her. Then, at 2 o'clock, my sister showed up to whisk me away to a surprise she had for me! She took me to Euphoria Spa downtown and we got pedicures! Getting pedicures is one of my favorite things, especially when I have a job that keeps me standing all day. It was sooo relaxing. Afterwards we went shopping to find shoes and jewelry to go with Shannon's new summer dress. We also hit the grocery store for supplies for the Mother's Day lunch we're making today. That should be fun, too.

Ok, time to try the car again!

Happy Monday

2008-05-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

I went to see Made of Honor tonight. It was pretty cute, but a little smarmy for my taste. Plus, one of the people I went to see it with was very loud. She was that person you always turn around and look at in hopes that they'll see your displeasure and dial it down. Except when everyone turned around, there I was next to her, and I got their looks too. I felt like I should take her to the hall for a time out. So that may have tainted my perspective of the movie, too.

I cleaned 300 roses today. Apparently when a holiday is coming up, the order from the wholesaler gets doubled. But I didn't seem to be doing it fast enough, because my cousin came back and started doing them for me and told me to go vacuum. I think we might need to work on our communication. I took that as, "You suck at this, I'll have to do it myself, go vacuum." My mom pointed out that she might have thought I didn't like it and was trying to save me the task. I also worked for her last summer, but since then I have learned a lot about stepping up, being confident and making my own decisions, customer service and just a whole boatload of stuff, but I think she still sees me as the person from last summer. We're not super close and we never talk about issues like that, so there's no reason she should know that I'm any different, but I wish she wouldn't assume that I can only handle really menial tasks. Oh well, I'm only here for two more weeks.

Happy Monday, everybody!

God in me

2008-05-04T18:19:00.000-07:00

Happy is not the right word for how I feel right now. Content, maybe--but that seems too lackadaisical. I feel a deep, settled happiness in my heart, apart from any circumstances. None of this feeling comes from the fact that I got to take a nap this afternoon or that I made cheesy garlic bread pizza for dinner (yum) or that I'm planning on some time with a glass of wine and my latest story characters after my parents go to bed. It's apart from that--much too deep to be affected by these surface events.

Two weeks ago I felt dazzlingly happy. I had just returned from a visit to Bloomington. I was apprehensive going into that weekend and wondering what it would be like to see my campus leaders and the students I used to work with. While I was there, though, I felt really affirmed that I wasn't supposed to have been there this year. Part of me always wondered how it would have worked out if I had different leaders or something, but God used that weekend to build confidence that college ministry was not where I was supposed to be this year, and I wouldn't have grown in the ways that I have if I had stayed.

I got the chance to visit Exodus church while I was there, the church that I started going to second semester. They had a guest speaker who spoke about the spiritual realm. It was one of the best talks I'd heard in a long time. I appreciated how he talked about the topic biblically, then shared his own experience. It made it clear that he was talking about God's heart and God's thoughts on the subject, not just crazy things he'd seen. His main verse was Matthew 11: 12 - "From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force." He also talked about John 10:10 - "The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He made the point that stealing, killing and destroying are violent actions and can't be met passively. He talked about the Jesus-given authority we have in the kingdom of heaven. He held up the keys to his Chevy Impala and said, "I have these keys, which means I control the car. I decide who else drives it, whether it's locked and unlocked, who has access to it and who I want in it or not. Having the keys means I have ownership." He said that Jesus gave us the keys to the kingdom, and we have that same kind of ownership and authority in the heavenly realms.

After the sermon, I knew I had to go back for prayer. My heart was heavy with what he'd said. The speaker (whose name I really wish I could remember) and his wife were waiting to pray with me. I didn't have any clear or collected thoughts for them, but I told them that I used to work for one of the campus ministries and I was visiting a place that I had left in a lot of hurt, and the day before, I'd felt a profound and inexplicable sense of depression. It was one of those times when I know that I know that the Holy Spirit was leading them in prayer because I just gave them that bare information, and the speaker said, "So you feel like your gifts weren't appreciated and you were rejected." Um, yes. Then he said, "Has it happened to you before?" Again, yes! Then they laid hands on me and prayed for me. They took authority over the spirit of rejection in my life and bound it and cast it out. Again, it was one of those times that I knew deep in my heart that the power was broken. There was no question or sense of "I don't think I made myself clear because they're praying for something different," just the words "It's broken" and a deep heart knowledge that the spirit of rejection was broken. They prayed lots of things for me, precious things full of scriptural truth. Then they asked me, "What do you love to do?" The two things that came to mind were "Write and be with children." As I was starting to leave after their prayer, the husband called me back and said, "Wait, I need to tell you something else. If you have something to write, write. Be an instrument through which the fragrance of God's word is diffused."

I was writing down the things they'd said in my journal after the service so I wouldn't forget them. When I wrote that one, I realized that for so long, when I'd tried to write, I'd felt guilty. It was either, "I should be having a quiet time" or "I'm going to write something that dishonors God" or "I should be living in the real world with real people instead of my fantasy world with my characters." While these have been issues at times, I realized that the enemy had built a lie in me and made me believe that I shouldn't write. I felt violent then! Since then, it's been so great to look back at old stories and recapture that love for sharing through words and characters and plots and language. It's good! It's a gift from God to me.

That spiritual high carried through the week. It kind of took a hit when I had a frustrating conversation toward the end of the week. I had asked to talk with this person hoping that I could resolve some junk, but I felt like it just dug up the old junk and made me even more on my guard with them. I've since had to think through it and think about what is true, what are my own misconceptions, what did they really say as opposed to what did I hear, but it is still frustrating. The point was to resolve junk, not to creat new junk that I now have to wade through.

The service today was fantastic, though. It's been so long since I've felt able to fully engage with God in worship, but today I just loved on Him and felt His love flowing back to me. I got prayer after the service again, and the result has been this settled, heart-happy peacefulness. Dare I call it joy?

2008-04-30T19:20:00.000-07:00

LONG day! But a good day. I got to hang out with Noah while Kim went to the dentist this morning. He is very active and talkative. Apparently he is into naming things and showed me my eyes, ears, nose, hair, etc, and then his own: "Noey's hair, Noey's mouth," etc. He also was into wearing my stuff--through the course of the morning, he wore my watch, my bracelet and my shoes. It was pretty darn cute, but I had to reclaim my bracelet when he tried to put it on Chester. :) After he got tired of my shoes, he put them back on my feet and walked around with the biggest-size plastic cups that fit inside each other (whatever you call those) on his feet, proudly pointing to them and saying, "Noey's shoes!" My favorite was when we were both sitting in the recliner watching Cars, and he turned around, stuck his tongue quickly in and out like a snake, then announced, "Tongue!" and laughed. His laugh is pretty stinking adorable. I got to hold little miss cutie Callie while Kim finished getting ready, too. I had her for about ten minutes, and she made good use of that window of time to throw up on my shirt. I didn't really mind, though--I came mentally prepared, and when I was wiping off her face, she almost smiled at me. She is going to have the cutest smile. When I was leaving, Kim told Noah to say thank you, and he said, "Thank you, Kels!" It pretty much made me melt.

It was a long day at the flower shop. With the amount of work that's available right now, I've been leaving generally around 1:30-2, so I haven't been working enough hours to take a lunch. Today happened to be one of the days that I actually needed to stay later. It also happened to be the day that I decided not to eat breakfast. I didn't get off until 4:30 and all I'd had was coffee. My metabolism wasn't going, so I wasn't so much hungry as cranky and shaky. The good thing about being that food-deprived is that whatever you eat next tastes AMAZING. I ran to Panera and grabbed a bite, and then to Exotic Thai where I met Kimberley, a family friend who does counseling, to ask her some questions about grad school.

It was really helpful talking with Kimberley. She has lots of practical experience and encouragement. The most encouraging thing she said was when I asked her if it was hard to spend all of her working days with maladjusted, angry, dysfunctional people. She said, "Honestly, I don't see them that way. I pray to see the beauty in them, and God always shows beauty. They are opportunities for Jesus to be born in them, and I get to be the midwife." That is so wonderful.

After that, I met my sister at the mall and we picked out a dress for her to wear to summer weddings and events. We found a beautiful red dress at the Limited. It looked so great on her. Sssmokin'! I love shopping, even if it's not for me.

I intend on writing a "deeper" post soon about the stuff God's been doing in my life. But right now, it's almost 11 and I need to go to bed. Have a great Thursday, everyone!

Joy

2008-04-29T14:25:00.000-07:00

–noun

1.	the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2.	a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.

3.	the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4.	a state of happiness or felicity.

–verb (used without object)

5.	to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.

–verb (used with object)

6.	Obsolete. to gladden.

The word "joy" occurs in 209 verses of the NIV version of the Bible. Joy is also my middle name. I plan on doing some sort of word study in the near future. More to come...

Quick question

2008-04-24T20:34:00.000-07:00

Do any of you RVCers know what time the baptismal service is this Sunday? Since I wasn't at church last Sunday to note it, I figured I could look it up on the website, but it wasn't listed under events. My family's going out of town this weekend, but I really want to be back in time for the baptisms. So...anyone? Beuler?

Melodic Monday--Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle

2008-04-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior, both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

At the cross you beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

Earthquake!

2008-04-18T05:48:00.000-07:00

So, like many of you, I woke up around 5:40 to feel the house shaking. Our house is kind of loosely constructed, and I thought at first that it was thunder shaking it, but this was more like a rolling feeling, like being on a really windy sea. My first thought was "Earthquake!" and then my second thought was, "We don't have earthquakes here. Maybe something exploded near our house (gas tank, plane crash)." However, I heard my dad get in his car and drive off to work. For some reason that is one of the most assuring sounds to me--that and his car returning home. Just the assurance that life is going on as planned. Also, I am not at all a morning person, and I don't process anything too well at 5:40 am. I wasn't even scared by the thought of a plane crash. It was simply too early to be awake and I went back to sleep.

When I woke up this morning there was a note from my mom asking if I'd felt the earthquake. She said it happens here about every 20 years. This was interesting because one of my early childhood memories is of my Dad carrying me down the hall, wrapped in a towel because I had just finished my bath, and then the house starting to shake. It was just like this morning's, over very briefly, and as a child I wasn't even concerned, just curious. Since it was on such a small scale, I think it's kind of cool to have experiened this natural phenomenon twice!

Yay!

2008-04-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with killer cramps and the feeling that the very last thing I wanted to do was go to work, and the very first thing I wanted was to curl up on the couch. I was making breakfast when the phone rang. It was my cousin saying that she didn't really have anything for me to do today and I didn't need to come in. YAY! I made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and then curled up on the couch with season 3 of Friends for a couple hours. If only every day could be like that. Well, then I'd be broke, but still...

I got my hair cut today. I would like to take this opportunity to put in a plug for Samson and Delilah's Salon and Spa on Ferry St. They did an awesome job cutting and styling my hair, plus it is a very nice AND reasonably priced place with lots of complementary amenities. Before the girl cut my hair, she gave me a back massage, and while she was cutting it, one of the other girls gave me a mini hand treatment. They also offer you free beverages--I saw one customer with a glass of wine. They are all about creating an "experience" for you--they let you choose from four scents and use products that are all that scent--the shampoo and conditioner, massage oil, and hand lotion. I thoroughly enjoyed my experience. :)

God's small graces

2008-04-14T12:39:00.001-07:00

I have been worried about money lately. As I think I've stated before, I really suck at managing it. All the things I need to get/do before I go back to CO have been swimming through my mind. One of the (dumb and counterproductive) things I do when I get upset is go shopping. Not going to help when what I'm worried about is money, I know, but I convince myself that if I buy something small it will be okay. Of course, the small things have a way of adding up...like this time, I bought a bunch of makeup. I was shocked when it was totalled up at the register but I really wanted the makeup (one of the idols I've been realizing since the past 2 Sundays' sermons is my appearance) so I bought it. Later, though, I knew I had to take it back, so except for a couple things that I honestly had run out of, I returned it. Once I got back home my mind started going again--"I really do need new mascara, too...I don't need Mary Kay, but I really like it the best...how am I going to get Mary Kay delivered out to the middle of the Rockies...should I even bother spending that much on mascara?" Then my mom walked into my room with a little pink box. "Is this the kind of mascara you wear? A lady at work was giving it away." It WAS the kind of mascara I wear! Exact color and code # and everything. God is so amazing, and I love how He fulfills our little, "trivial" desires as well as the big whopping problems in our lives.

I've been wanting to post this song for Melodic Monday for a while. I heard it on our roadtrip and I thought it was hilarious. It reminds me of myself...although I don't think I'd have the courage to talk to the boy.

Taylor the Latte Boy by Kristin Chenoweth

There's a boy who works at Starbucks
Who is very inspirational.
He is very inspirational because of many things.

I come in at 8:11, and he smiles and says, "How are you?"
When he smiles and says, "How are you?"
I could swear my heart grows wings!

So today at 8:11
I decided I should meet him
I decided I should meet him
In a proper formal way.

So today at 8:11 when he smiled and said "How are you?"
I said "Fine, and my name’s Kristin"
And he softly answered, "Hey."
And I said "My name is Kristen, and thank you
for the extra foam…"

And he said his name was Taylor,
Which provides the inspiration for this poem:

Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him…

So I’d like to get my nerve up
To recite my poem musical.
He would like the fact it’s musical
Because he plays guitar.
So today at 8:11, Taylor told me he was playing
In a band down in the village
in the basement of a bar.

And he smoothly flipped the lever
to prepare my double latte,
But for me he made it triple!
And he didn’t think I knew
But I saw him flip the lever,
and for me he made it triple,
And I knew that triple latte meant
that Taylor loved me too!
I said, "What time are you playing?
And thank you for the extra skim…"
He said, "Keep the $3.55,"
because this triple latte was on him.

Taylor the latte boy,
Bring me java, bring me joy!
Oh Taylor the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him…

I used to be the kind of girl who'd run
when love rushed toward her.
But finally a voice whispered "Love can be yours,
if you step up to the counter, and order."

Taylor, the latte boy
Bring me java, bring me joy
Oh Taylor the latte boy
I love him, I love him, I love him.

So many years my heart has waited,
Who’d have thought that love could be so caffeinated?
Taylor, the latte boy,
I love him, I love him, I love him.
I love him, I love him, I love him.

Biting the bullet

2008-04-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

So, I have taken the bull by the horns. Bitten the bullet. Taken the plunge. Any other metaphorical cliches you care to use. Tonight at life group I received some good solid prayer, and of course, God brought it right back to where I really knew it was, but where I was afraid to let it go. Basically, I did something I should have done back in October. I will be happy to tell you more if you are interested, but it would make for a long and complicated blog. In a nutshell, I'm going to talk to someone that I should have already talked to.

Fort Wayne was fun! It was good to see the brother and spend some time catching up with him. He showed me around town and took me to dinner, and today we went hiking at Chain-o-Lakes state park, a place we went camping when we were really little but hadn't been since then. My shoe came off in the mud, and I had gaping holes in my socks, so my toes got completely mud-covered. Of course the brother laughed when I was hopping around in a mud puddle on one foot. I would have laughed at him, too. The highlight of my visit was definitely riding the 2-story caurosel in the mall! I rode an elephant on the top story. So fun! We rented Vertigo last night--I have been on an Alfred Hitchcock kick lately. I think he is pretty much amazing. I had a disturbing dream after watching Psycho, though. On Friday I saw a guy in Panera with the same haircut as the killer from No Country for Old Men, and in my dream, I had to bring him home with me. He asked me to bring him home, and I knew I couldn't refuse because he was a killer and there was no telling what he'd do if he didn't get his way. So he came home with me and spent the night lying next to me on my bed. He kept asking me what my family was doing and playing with his pocket knife. I knew I couldn't go to sleep because then he would get up and kill my family. However, I wasn't afraid in my dream--just aware. I knew somehow that if he tried to kill my family, I could easily stop him.

I am glad I made it home in time for life group, and glad that God doesn't give up on me even when I run the other direction with my fingers in my ears.

p.s.

2008-04-06T20:51:00.001-07:00

p.s. After reading my last post, I realize that I seriously use the word "seriously" too much.

Sunday

2008-04-06T20:39:00.001-07:00

I might be absent from the blog for a few days. I am going to Fort Wayne to visit the brother tomorrow. I missed his birthday on my road trip, so I am taking him birthday brownies and his birthday present. Plus, I have never seen his place since he moved up there. I can't believe how long it's been since I've seen my family. I'm not so used to this long-distance family thing. Anway, I should be back sometime Tues evening--hopefully in time for life group, but I am not sure.

I went to the video store and rented Psycho and The Sting this afternoon. Both great classic movies. I had never seen Psycho before. WOW. Outstanding acting, outstanding direction--unbelievably creepy. But it is definitely a work of art. There were moments when I got goosebumps because the filmography (is that even a word? I don't think so...) was so good. I'm watching The Sting now. Robert Redford and Paul Newman. Yes, please.

So...I have been thinking since church this morning. Thankfully, Tony's sermons have that effect on me. I haven't been thinking about the sermon per se, though...more about an old problem that the sermon reminded me of. Basically, I feel like God is prompting me to speak to someone, but I just feel too weird about it. "Hi...I know we've never really talked before, but I feel like God wants me to talk with you about the issues I have with leadership. Can we chat?" Feeling "weird" is not really a good reason not to obey God, but it's one that I have a seriously hard time overcoming.

As if this post isn't weird. I don't really know what I want to say sometimes. I guess I am just looking for reassurance, or someone to tell me to get off my butt and do it, or someone to say they've had a prophetic word from God for me. Somehow that would make it seem less "weird" to me. I think I should seriously try to make it home in time for LG, because evidently, I seriously need some prayer.

2008-04-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

The most exciting part of my day by far--the Yenerichs having a little baby girl!! I am so happy for them. I really wanted it to be a girl! Noah gets to be a big brother to her...how cool!!

I met Jonell and Sheena for tiny group tonight. Very fun to see them again, and to see Frank and Sheena's new house! I had a really bad headache, though, so I didn't get into the conversation much. I took some Advil earlier so I kept waiting for it to kick in, but I had to take another one afterwards. It is still not gone completely. I think I am going to drink some tea and go to bed soon.

I feel like I'm in a weird place in life right now. I'm not fully invested in Colorado, and since I have such a short time here, and I'm leaving again, I don't feel like I've caught up from the time I missed and I don't have time to become fully invested again. It's a little confusing. I don't like transient existence. I'm all for change and travelling, but I'm realizing how important it is to me to have a home base anchoring me down during all of it. I don't know where that is right now, or if I can really have it right now. Lately I've been seriously longing for marriage and babies--probably prompted by people in circumstances around me. It's always been a longing for me, and sometimes I'm perfectly content to be single, but right now I just want to settle down and start living. 25 is staring around the corner. I don't want to think about that.

Okay, tea time...

2008-03-31T21:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I am officially not an unemplyed bum anymore. My cousin needs some help with her flowershop, and I need some extra income, so we are a perfect match. I only work 11 am-4 pm, though, so still feel free to give me a call! I would love to see you or talk with you! Right now I am planning on getting up early and using my mornings to have a quiet time and work out...that hasn't worked out so well in the past, but I'm hoping it does now. I don't want to get lazy in my time off.

I made peanut butter cup brownies today for LG party tomorrow. I'm looking forward to going! Church was so good on Sunday. It was exactly the spiritual filling I'd been craving in Colorado. It made me think, though. I don't want to leave it again this summer. I prayed about my decision to return to the ranch and I believe it's the right one, but my heart is still going to be here with RVC. I want so much to spend time at RVC and with people there, learning from them and absorbing their knowledge and passion and heart. I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life after the ranch, but I do know that I want the things I was learning and growing in at RVC while I was there to be a key part of it.

I've also been thinking about overseas missions. I used to feel this laid on my heart really strongly, but now I'm not sure what part I'm supposed to play in it. I don't want to confuse what God is telling me with what I am in the habit of thinking and believing. So, if you read this and think of me, please pray with me that God will reveal His plan and will to me.

Yep, I think that's all the important things for now. Thanks so much, and love to you, my faithful readers!

Melodic Monday

2008-03-31T10:08:00.000-07:00

This is a song from the CD that Elisha and I listened to over and over on our road trip. I fell in love with it because of the idea that there is still someone out there free sailin', maybe calling my name.

Free Sailin' by Hoyt Axton

Windy Friday, she walked into a
Situation that would not soon let her go
If she ever decides to leave here,
Such a woman's been a pleasure just to know

She must have heard me call her name
When I was free sailin'
She must have heard me call her name
When I was alone

I have never seen before me
Another face that can please me like she does
In the morning, in the evening
I thank the stars above for my one and only love

She came to me like a whirlwind
A silk tornado with cyclones in her eyes
If I live to be a thousand
I will never cease to become mesmerized
by her

She must have heard me call her name
When I was free sailin'
She must have heard me call her name
When I was alone
She must have heard me call her name

Home sweet home

2008-03-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

I am so glad to be back! What a trip! We got in at about 5 o'clock this morning. We left Laramie, Wyoming yesterday and drove across Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois and Indiana. We feel that those states definitely make up the worst part of the union, esp Nebraska. Talk about a whole lot of nothing. We got pulled over just this side of the Wyoming border for doing 88 in a 75 zone. The officer asked if there was any particular reason for our hurry, and we wanted to say, "We are just trying to get out of your godawful state as quickly as possible!" Of course we didn't. He actually gave us a break and only cited us for going 10 mph over, which knocked the fine down $50. So, it was a long day, but totally worth it to be at home now.

The day before, we drove from Berkley to Laramie, with stops in Tahoe, Virginia City and at the ranch to pick up some more of our stuff. Tahoe was one of the most beautiful places yet. Virginia City was pretty fun--they have tried to keep it like an old west town. It has board sidewalks and lots of nostalgia stores. Elisha was in heaven. She is now considering moving there and opening up a Bonanza memoribilia store. The stop at the ranch was supposed to be quick, just load up our stuff and say a quick hi and get back on the road, but we managed to get the car stuck in the mud. Ugh. I have never seen anything like it. I thought mud was just mud, but the entire place was like a giant hog wallow. I guess that's what happens when 4 feet of snow starts to melt. I am glad that I'm not going back for a while until it's hopefully dried up. But we got to hang out and chat for a while, and that was fun.

Today has been spent sleeping, showering, catching up with my dad and trying to get started with the unpacking. My mom is due home from NYC any minute, and my sister and I are planning on hanging out tomorrow. Then I am going to RVC on Sunday--YAY! I'm so looking forward to it and to seeing everyone then!

Things I have learned on this roadtrip:

2008-03-24T19:49:00.001-07:00

- There are no service stations for about 70 miles after you cross into Utah
- Hoyt Axton CDs can be played over and over and not grow old
- The movie No Country For Old Men provides endless topics for discussion
- As does the TV show Bonanza
- Stalking people really works
- The desert can be beautiful
- Arizona is called the Grand Canyon State because there is truly nothing else in the state
- Road signs provide hours of entertainment
- The west coast is stunningly beautiful
- Warm weather is DELIGHTFUL after living with four feet of snow
- I love traveling, but I also love having an anchorage to return home to
- Sushi, when eaten by the coast in California and not in landlocked Indiana, is delicious
- Redwoods are beautiful trees
- Monterey is the town I would want to live in if I lived in California
- San Francisco is the town I would visit the most frequently if I lived in California
- There are too many people in California for me to ever really want to live there
- Cable cars make for the cutest San Francisco memoribilia
- Ghiridelli really is the best chocolate in the whole world
- Big cities make me feel claustrophobic if I stay too long
- I miss people at home A LOT!
- I am not as patient, loving, easygoing or slow to anger as I thought I was
- God is infinitely forgiving of this and the only One who gives me the grace to cope

Check Facebook for San Francisco pics--they say it better than I could here!

Melodic Monday

2008-03-24T01:54:00.000-07:00

Less Than the Song by Hoyt Axton

I am less than the song I am singing
I am more than I thought I could be
Spent some time as a child in daydreamin'
As a young man I sailed on the sea.

Then come stand by my side where I'm goin'
Take my hand if I stumble and fall
It's the strength that you share when you're growin'
That gives me what I need most of all

Different minds, different changes
Different reasons to believe
Some far journeys we have taken
Some sweet dreams we've had to leave.

And I want you to be happy
And I hope you always will
For I cannot rest easy
'Til all your dreams are real
'Til all your dreams are real.

All your dreams are real, pretty mama
All your dreams are real
All dreams are real, sweet mama
All your dreams are real.

I am less than the song I am singing
I am more than I thought I could be
Spent some time as a child in daydreamin'
As a young man I sailed on the sea...

Update

2008-03-24T01:34:00.000-07:00

Well, friends, I am now in San Francisco. I feel like a gypsy. In LA we did the Walk of Fame and the Chinese theater, where I discovered that I have bigger feet than John Wayne. We spent the next couple days in Malibu stalking Pernell Roberts. For those of you who have never heard of him, he's an actor who played Adam Cartwright on Bonanza and Trapper John MD, among other roles. He's Elisha's second favorite actor of all time--Bonanza is her favorite show ever and Adam is her hero. He is 79 years old now. So anyway...to make a long story short, we were driving down the Pacific Coast highway, and we saw him driving the other direction. We immediately pulled a U-turn and followed him home. He was still sitting in the seat of the van when we pulled up, and he was very nice and charming when we approached him. He signed a movie of Elisha's that had him in it and told a funny story about the lead, Randolph Stott. Then he let us take some pictures with him. I heard that in the past he wasn't always very accomodating to fans, but we figure at this point, he's probably glad to still have some, especially from our generation.

We then drove up to Santa Cruz, where we stayed with Elisha's friends. They have a family of 7 mostly grown children--the youngest is 16. They were really a great family and a lot of fun to hang out with. Elisha grew up in Aptos, so we spent some time visiting some of her old friends and hang-outs. Saturday we went to Monterey to see the aquarium and Cannery Row (yeah John Steinbeck!), and to Carmel for lunch. Carmel was such a rich, snobby little place. We also did the 17 Mile Drive along the coast--absolutely beautiful. On Saturday, we actually got in the ocean. It was FREEZING! I had also forgotten that the ocean was that powerful. Those waves were definitely stronger than me. I admit I wimped out soon, but we got to do some boogie boarding, and that was great. I would love to do it longer if it were warmer out and I were more confident in my swimming abilities. That night we had a bonfire on the beach. There was a fully moon and stars--it was heartachingly beautiful.

Today we went to church and drove up to San Francisco. We are staying with Anna in Berkley. Tomorrow we're going into town to see the sights. Catch y'all on the flip side!

Roadtrip Synopsis

2008-03-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in our motel in LA as I write this. It's a been a full past couple of days. Since the last time I posted, we drove from St. George, Utah, where we stayed with friends of Elisha's and went to Zion National Park with them. From there it was on to the Grand Canyon. It was absolutely awe-inspiring. I wish we could have spent more time there. We only had time to drive to a couple view points. I would love to go back and hike to the bottom--then I would feel like I actually "touched" the Grand Canyon (in the ASL sense, Kim ;)). Right now I feel like I was just looking at a giant painting or something. From the Grand Canyon, on to Phoenix. Phoenix was beautiful. 80 degree weather, and it's their spring, so there are wildflowers blooming in the desert. We met up with some friends of Elisha's who were there for spring break and went to the Phoenix Zoo. It'd been years since I'd been to the zoo. It was a lot of fun, as was the fact that I wore short sleeves, flip flops and a skirt.

Last night we went to the Wayne Newton concert. This story requires some background: Elisha is in the National Guard and was in Iraq for a year. While she was there, she was part of Wayne Newton's security detail when he came over for his USO tour. She brought a picture of them together that had been taken then for him to sign. Before the show, she showed it to the lady selling Wayne Newton souvenirs and asked her if she thought Wayne would sign it. It turns out the lady was his mother-in-law. She sent it back to be signed, and a few minutes after, a lady came out and said we could be part of the meet-and-greet with Wayne before the concert. So we went back with a bunch of Wayne-iacs (as Elisha informed me his fans are called). We all got a picture taken with him. He kissed Elisha on the lips before her picture and kissed me on the cheek after mine (I dodged him--I really don't want my first kiss to be from Wayne Newton). Then he called Elisha back so we could get one with the three of us and kissed her again afterwards. He was kissing all the ladies. We were definitely an average of 40 years younger than everyone else. It was really exciting because it's the closest encounter I've ever had with a famous person, but still, I have not become a Wayne-iac. During the concert, he dedicated Moon River to Elisha. I am glad that we went because I know it meant the world to Elisha. But I will be ok if I never see Wayne Newton again. He is a very nice man, though, and very patriotic.

Today we drove to LA. I am kind of overwhelmed by LA. I love the ocean, but I feel distracted from that natural beauty by the monstrous megalopolis towering over me. We just got in this evening, so we drove to Malibu and got some coffee and walked around a little. Tomorrow we are doing the Walk of Fame, Groman's Chinese Theater and Rodeo Boulevard. Should be busy. I am happy because this is the turning point. Up to now, we were going farther and farther away from home. From here we turn north, then back east. I'm glad to be doing all this, but it is so much, and at moments I feel overwhelmed. Elisha is the kind of person that doesn't like to be tied down anywhere--she wants to be moving from place to place and always going somewhere new. I love to travel, but I also love to come home, and have roots and a loved place and people to return to. I don't like to stay there forever, but I don't like to leave it forever, either. Right now I am feeling really homesick. I lost my cell phone in Colorado so I don't have any numbers except my parents (oh yeah--so if anyone wants to e-mail me their number, I would love that), but I haven't even called them because I think I would break down and cry for no good reason. I think that once we get out and start doing stuff tomorrow, I'll start having fun, but tonight I just want to curl up between my parents on our couch at home and hang out with the bro and sis. I bought a calling card today, so I will try to make contact soon.

Carry Me By

2008-03-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

I sit here and think of all that You've done
How You even gave me Your one and only Son
I'm trying to fathom all that You are
But so far, Lord, You're so beyond me

I fall down in reverence, I fall down in fear
And I'm asking You, Lord, won't you please draw near?
Won't you open my eyes so that I can see
The ways that You are working in me

All I need is Your love
To come and fill this heart of mine
My heart is a desert that has gone dry
I need Your love to carry me by

I lay down my life; I put it before you
All that I am is in Your hands
I'm not gonna question why You're so faithful
Or why that You give me the blessings that You have
Let Your glory be known, let Your glory be shown
To lift You up unto the throne
You are my God, You are my King
To You I give, I give You everything

All I need is Your love
To come and fill this heart of mine
My heart is a desert that has gone dry
I need Your love to carry me by
All I need is Your love, my God
Carry me by

- Sean McDonald

On the Road Again!

2008-03-11T06:31:00.000-07:00

As I write this, all my bags are packed and I'm getting ready to leave beautiful VVR for a few months. Elisha and I are taking the grand road trip home. Today we drive to Utah to stay with her friends near Vegas, then spend some time checking out their area (Mt. Zion National Park!). From there, on to Arizona, where we will view the Grand Canyon, Mesa Verde and, thanks to Elisha, Wayne Newton in concert. On to southern California--Malibu, LA, up the coast to Elisha's hometown of Watsonville, Monterey to see Cannery Row and John Steinbeck memorabilia, San Francisco to see Anna and the sights there, back to Nevada so Elisha can scope out a future sight for her ranch ;), staying with Anita in Nebraska, and then HOME! I really can't wait to be there. I'm sure the trip will bring many interesting blogs along the way!

Come back home again real soon!

2008-03-10T12:56:00.001-07:00

Top 5 Favorite Memories of Vista Verde:

1. Doing the dishes on New Year's Eve after the power outage in our pajamas and snow boots
2. A night drinking wine with Teresa and talking about boys, God, and what have you
3. Vegas, baby!
4. Wearing my cowboy boots down to dinner and slip-sliding all the way until Elisha practically had to carry me--the result was much laughter
5. Night snowshoe during orientation week--the first time I saw the amazing Colorado stars

Hold on

2008-03-05T20:43:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all you RVCers who warmly welcomed my sister last Sunday! She loved the service and the people and enjoyed the newcomers' pizza (thanks for talking her into it, Jonelly!)

We had our "end of the season bash" last night. It was a lot of fun. We had a slide show with lots of different pictures from the season. Ben thanked us and said a few "words," then opened it up to let anyone who wanted to say a few words. It was really great to hear people's takes on the season and things they had learned and observed. I have been doing a lot of pondering on what I've learned, too--probably a later post will emerge from that.

I got a really bad haircut today. I told the lady I wanted the same style, just trimmed up, and showed her a picture of Jessica Alba to show her what I wanted my bangs to look like. Suffice it to say, I do not look like Jessica Alba. She went way too short and went crazy with layers. Hopefully by the time I get home it will have reached a decent length.

Here is a song that I love by Steven Curtis Chapman that I have been thinking about lately:

I have come to this ocean
And the waves of fear are starting to grow
The doubts and questions are rising with the tide
So I'm clinging to the one sure thing I know

I will hold on to the hand of my Savior
And I will hold on with all my might
I will hold loosely to things that are fleeting
And hold on to Jesus
I will hold on to Jesus for life

I've tried to hold many treasures
They just keep slipping through my fingers like sand
But there's one treasure that means more than breath itself
So I'm clinging to it with everything I am

Like a child holding on to a promise
I will cling to His word and believe
As I press on to take hold of that
for which Christ Jesus took hold of me

Hold on for life

Melodic Monday

2008-03-03T22:41:00.000-08:00

When the dancers took to the promenade
My heart leapt high, and I was unafraid
Of the feelings I'd stifled for so many years
Tell me, how do you, how do you feel?

Well the band took their places and got all in tune
And then the caller's voice,
Well it rang out beneath the moon
And then the boys took their girls and they started to reel
And they were singin' how do you, how do you feel?

And then the people in the town said that they'd call the police
If we didn't keep down all this disturbin' their peace
And Officer Black, you know he answered their pleas
And he ran up on the hill just to see

Well, he hid in the bushes just a stone's throw away
And then we all saw this change comin' over his face
He was bouncin' to the beat and hoppin' on his heels
Singin' how do you do, how do you feel?"

And then the townspeople asked him if he'd make some arrests
Could they find peace and quiet so they could go back to bed?
He said, "If it's peace that you want, you're gonna find it on the hill
But the silence that you keep, it's the silence that kills."

So the townspeople all got so uptight and mad
You know, they fired him on the spot
And then they threw away his badge
Then they asked him to leave, and he said, "Gladly I will."
They said, "Tell us now - how do you feel?"

He said, "When the dancers took to the promenade,
My heart leapt high, and I was unafraid
Of the feeling I'd stifled for so many years
Tell me, how do you, how do you feel?"
- Rich Mullins

Pendulum

2008-03-01T13:18:00.000-08:00

I finally tracked down Dace yesterday. It's officially confirmed--I'm coming back as a server this summer. I am a little disappointed about not being a kid wrangler. Dace made the comment, "Bekah values having you in the dining room because you're a good learner. It might take you longer, but once you finally do learn something, you get it." Thanks, Dace; why don't you just call me slow and stupid? I think a big part of why I have been so slow to learn is that I'm not a detail person, and our job is an endless litany of tiny details. Also, everything is so black and white (including our ugly man uniforms). I'm all about improvisation and creativity, and there just isn't room for that in the dining room. I understand that there needs to be uniformity, but I feel so constricted by it. Kids are one of my passions and what makes me really come alive. Making sure the coffee cup handles are at 4 o'clock does not light my fire. I'm tired of catering to stupid whims like people wanting half-caf soy lattes and demanding chopped parsley with their salad.

I talked to Dace again about it just to let him know that if a kid wrangler position opens up, I am really interested. It was a little frustrating because I think he thinks it's just about what I want. It is what I want, but it's also about my passions and abilities combining to be of the greatest benefit to the ranch. And I don't think that will happen as a server. I just don't care enough about straight tablecloths and what the correct appetizer utensil is.

Overall, though, I just want to be here for the summer. I told Dace I would do anything, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I was thinking about it more this morning, and the thought popped into my head, "I'm not detail-oriented enough to be a server. I'll never be good enough as a server." How many times is this "good enough" issue going to keep coming up? I think it's licked, and then it crops up again. I do feel like I've made strides in it since coming here, but not as far as I had hoped. I feel like I keep doing this big pendulum swing: "I have to get it perfect!" and then I realize my worth doesn't come from performance, and then I slide back into slacking on detail and punctuality and feel like I have to achieve perfection again. Back and forth. I guess the good thing about pendulums is that the swing gets less every time and continually gravitates toward the middle.

Lord, teach me how to find contentment in You, not in what I do or how well I do it. Show me how I can serve You this summer in the position You've placed me in.

I'm back!

2008-02-26T10:46:00.000-08:00

Back in the land of the living! I feel like I've been somewhere else the past few days. They have been absolutely crazy.

I already posted about Charissa's grandma. Holly and Bekah were in Denver for a merchandise mart when the news came, which meant we didn't have Bekah's managerial stability or Holly's emotional comfort and support. Charissa is supposed to be second in command when Bekah's gone, but needless to say, she wasn't quite able to step up. I understand that losing a loved one is a really rough thing in life, but it doesn't mean that you can stop living. Anyway, Teresa and I were trying to manage, and I started feeling sick Saturday night. I could not imagine worse timing--Teresa was off and I knew Charissa was not stable enough to do anything by herself, and Bekah was still out of town. So I worked Saturday night and Sunday morning, but Teresa was back Sunday afternoon, so I took off. To make a long story short, I spent Sunday night throwing up and Monday lying on the couch, trying to recover. It was so miserable, though--people were always in and out of the bunkhouse and anything like peace or solitude (or sleep!) was impossible. Charissa's best friend flew in to visit, so that was added chaos house-wise, but really good for Charissa.

Anyhow, I was woken up at 7 this morning when people started getting ready for work, but I feel a lot better. I'm really tired, but I can function again. I have to go back to the chiropractor today, so I went into town a little early and had lunch (yay for eating!), and I'm writing this in a cute little coffee shop called the Steamin' Bean. My favorite coffee shop, Off the Beaten Path, is closed for a while for relocation. I'm really sad that they're relocating--their location was my favorite part of them! But the Steamin' Bean is good, too.

It's times like this that I feel like I can't stand communal living for another season. I am SO ready for my own place and my own kitchen and some respect for privacy. I think the summer will be better, though, because I will always have the option of going outside. I anticipate long hikes to journaling spots and prayer walks along the river, or even just sitting out on the porch. I CAN'T WAIT until the snow's gone. I am so ready for spring!!

Please pray that no one else will get sick and that I'll be able to sleep long and soundly tonight!

Prayer request

2008-02-22T22:48:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post a quick prayer request. Charissa just found out tonight that her grandmother passed away. She was in good health and her death was completely unexpected. Apparently she had a bowel obstruction and someone found her throwing up this morning, but she didn't make it. I don't know all the details. Charissa and her family are believers. Please pray for them to know Jesus' comfort and peace through this, and for His truth to prevail over Satan's lies in their hearts. She will probably be going home as soon as possible, but it's so hard for her being away right now and not able to be with family. Please also pray that I'll be able to show Jesus' boundless love towards her and sensitivity to her needs. Thanks so much--your prayers mean the world to me.

2008-02-20T21:15:00.000-08:00

I went to the chiropractor today. It took me about 45 min to find the office because I got really confused by the fact that there's an E Victory Way and just plain Victory Way. I was almost an hour late for my appointment, but they were really nice when I said I came from Steamboat and squeezed me in. I was nervous because I don't like going to new doctors and/or male doctors, but he was very kind and gentle. I thought it sounded cool and athletic to have a skiing injury until he asked me to explain exactly what happened. "Well, there was this four-foot ledge, and I skied right off it and landed on my back." Neither cool nor athletic. It turns out my neck was sprained and I had a rib out of place, but he twisted me around like a pretzel and made a lot of popping noises, and even though I'm really sore now, I feel like things are back in the right place.

I got to see the lunar eclipse as I was driving home tonight. Good times. I did some shopping while I was in town, too, which was really great, except I fell into the black hole of spending money. But I got some new jeans and some "goin' to town" shirts, as Jess calls them. And some flip-flops to wear in California! I can't wait. Bring on the sunshine and sandals! And then HOME!

Conflict Resolution: Part II

2008-02-19T15:29:00.000-08:00

I feel a long post coming on. So get a cup of coffee and settle back...

Rob has been pretty intolerable lately. He's been getting mad about stupid little things and refusing to communicate with us. Sunday things came to a head. Peggy and Jerry, the ranch owners, came for breakfast. Peggy asked for a half portion of the breakfast quesadilla, and Jerry said no potatoes, which usually come with every order, and no fruit garnish on his plate because he doesn't like to waste it. Charissa put the order in, and Rob got really mad and said "I don't do half quesadillas!" Then he made Jerry's plate with garnish and potatoes, and when we reminded him (even though it was written on the ticket), he blew up and said it was written too small. Charissa asked if she should take it off, and his response was to throw his spatula into the sour cream and slam plates down on the counter. I thought, "This is utterly ridiculous; he's being unreasonable and childish," so I scraped it off myself. Then he started yelling again: "Don't touch the plates! I'm the only one who ever touches plates!" which is not true. I was mad by this point, and I admit I was heated and frustrated when I said, "Then you need to tell us that when we ask and not just throw things!" I am so over being afraid of him. The rest of the day was uncomfortable, and things blew up again at dinner that evening. One of the guests had a sick daughter who wanted to stay with her parents for dinner, but naturally she didn't want to order osso buco or braised rack of lamb. Her parents asked if they could get her a plate from the kids' meal in the back, so Teresa took them back for some mac'n'cheese. Meanwhile, Rob was getting all flustered because she hadn't brought their ticket back yet. When she came he asked what took so long, then got really angry because he didn't get to plate it up and it wouldn't look good enough for the dining room, blah blah blah. The way he talked to Teresa was absolutely inexcusable. He was completely unreasonable and aggressively angry and rude and disrespectful to her. She handled it so well, though. She told him she could take criticism from him and he could tell her what she was doing wrong, but she could take it better if he treated her like a person and didn't disrespect her. They had a long talk later and parted on good terms, but I had had it with him and I talked to Ben the next day. Working with Rob has been so good for me because it's forced me to face conflict rather than run from it, and I've learned to deal with what he says to me, but when he talks to other people that way, I don't feel morally right about doing nothing.

It was so good to talk with Ben. Partly just to be heard, partly because he really listened and cared, and partly because of the way he handled it. He agreed that Rob's behavior was not acceptable and said he would have a talk with him. He also asked me to pray for his talk with Rob and reminded me that I should be praying for Rob all the time, and part of the reason he's so hard to deal with is that he's a hurting person who needs Jesus in his life. It's so easy to be quick to anger and judgmental of him, and so hard to offer him grace, because he so obviously doesn't deserve it. But what makes me think I deserve it any more than him? How can I not pass on the undeserved grace that I receive every day? I love that Ben is willing to work with Rob and try to help him develop better communication and people skills rather than just yelling at him or telling him it's over. I think that is a true reflection of God working in our lives. It's a great role model to have in a boss.

In other news...I still don't know a date when I'm coming home. I think I'll be working here until March 15, and then Elisha and I will be driving home. We still need to figure out what we want to do and see the most and limit ourselves to those things.

Something weird has been happening to some of the girls physically. Yesterday Teresa was dizzy and got a nosebleed right before dinner. I was really tired and felt dizzy and had a headache today. I think the headache has something to do with the other day when I skied off a four-foot embankment. You're supposed to wedge your skis into the sides and climb down, but when I was skiing up to it, I couldn't stop, and I went right off the edge and landed flat on my back and head. It was actually one of those moments I wished I had instant replay of--I think God and I will watch it in heaven and enjoy a chuckle. But my neck and back have been hurting. I am going to a chiropractor tomorrow. I have to go to Craig, so hopefully I will get to do some shopping, too! I was so tired and disoriented last night that I fell asleep on the couch watching a movie, and I ended up sleeping there all night in my formal dining uniform. Elisha tried to wake me up, which I vaguely remember, but I just said "Ok" and didn't move.

Oh friends, I miss you all! I am ready to leave the snow and see you all again!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2008-02-14T10:35:00.000-08:00

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

1 John 4:7-12

Valleys

2008-02-13T16:19:00.000-08:00

Valleys
by Eli

Lying at the bottom - I can clearly see the top
Pressed against this firm foundation, I count none of this as loss
As I struggle up this mountain, with every bloody knee
Though I'm often prone to stumble, it's this rock that catches me

And it's this rock that tells me that's what valleys are for
It's from here that we measure just how far we must go
You don't know how tall you stand until you fall

Mountains cast a shadow - at times its hard to tell
Will the darkness overtake you? Will you succeed or fail?
Though I've climbed a thousand mountains and stood upon their peaks
I still find my greatest comfort from the rock that lies beneath

And it's this rock that tells me that's what valleys are for
It's from here that we measure just how far we must go
You don't know how tall you stand until you fall
That's what valleys are for
Yeah, that's what valleys are for

At Last!

2008-02-13T15:17:00.000-08:00

It figures that if they were going to name something after me, it would be something like this:

http://www.payless.com/Catalog/ProductDetail.aspx?&TLC=Womens&SLC=WomensDress&BLC=WomensDressTrendy&Width=Regular&ItemCode=59494&LotNumber=060691&Type=Adult&Popularity=241&DescriptiveColor=Black

Hehe :D

Soul-Searching

2008-02-12T19:41:00.000-08:00

So, I am going to be a little more open in this blog than usual. I just really need to process some stuff out. And this blog is an excellent place to do that, not to mention the thoughts and feedback I get from my faithful readers!

I have been facing a lot of stuff lately with one of the other girls. I feel like she challenges all the things in me that I've always been the most secure in. I think part of the problem is that she's not very secure herself, so she's always throwing her accomplishments in our faces to compensate. Lately things have been happening, like her transcripts getting lost in the mail and having stomach problems. I understand that none of this is fun, and I wouldn't be happy about it either, but she completely goes to pieces. She cries and complains all the time and dumps on everyone and expects the world to offer her limitless sympathy--one of the other girls aptly applied the term "attention whore." I pray all the time for compassion because I know I don't have enough of my own, but it's like she uses it up instantly. She has a way of sucking my sympathy and energy and still needing more. And that's not enough for her--she expects endless condolence and empathy from everyone.

So anyway, I've been trying to figure out why this bothers me so much. I don't really care about the fact that she's needy--that's her problem, not mine. After much pondering, I realized it's because I am very much like her. I used to be an attention whore and want endless sympathy from the world. And it's not that I ever matured past that point, like I thought--I just got bitter and cynical and decided that people didn't care and if I didn't stop, they wouldn't like me any more. The reason that I get so upset is because I feel like it pays off for her--people here are so nice and try to take care of her. The indelibly imprinted ideas of "people won't like you" and "they really don't care" aren't true for her, and I feel like I've been cheated. I never want to stoop to that level again--she's also shown me how unattractive it is. But it's definitely shown me how I'm no better than her. I don't really know where to go from here--I don't ever want to be that person again, but I don't want to be bitter and cynical and merely covering up being that person. I don't know; I've never been any other person and I don't know where to go from here. I'm pretty certain that God is supposed to play some kind of role in this transformation, but I don't know where to start. I don't like this person that I am, and I know that I need to change, but I don't even like facing this. So, in short, prayers would be appreciated.

Vegas, baby!

2008-02-07T13:54:00.000-08:00

Back home safe and sound from Sin City. Elisha and I had a good trip. Thanks to a limited number of guests, we had three days off, so Elisha and I packed up and headed out.

Tues and Wed were spent driving. Elisha has friends just this side of the Utah border that we stayed with. The weather in Colorado was a little hairy, but we prayed a lot and God kept us on the road. The term we used for the slippery hairpin turns through the mountains was "death-defyingly beautiful." It was completely unspoiled and ruggedly stunning, but sometimes there weren't even guardrails.

We decided there's a good reason that Utah is a four-letter word. We looked at the map and saw plenty of little towns along the way, but all the exit signs said "No Services" once you actually got there. The gas light was on for many more miles than it actually should have been when we finally came across a Shell station in the middle of the desert. We are now whole-hearted supporters of Shell.

We made it to her friends' house and slept in our own rooms with full beds--heaven compared to the bunkhouse. The next morning her friend showed us around a little, and we drove into Vegas.

I was not super impressed by Vegas. I thought it would be very glamorous. Only the strip was flashy and glamorous, and the rest of it was sketchy and depressing. We ate lunch in a pizza place with bullet holes in the door. The strip itself was too much--all this opulance and pretension and so much reckless spending of money. It was sensory overload. I played a dollar on the penny slots, but I didn't win anything. My favorite part was the fountain show at the Bellagio. It was coordinated to music, and the song was a beautiful classical vocal song. We had plans to find Wayne Newton because Elisha knows him, but sadly he was not to be found.

Thursday was a long day of driving with more bad weather in the mountains. We were just happy to be home, esp since it was pitch dark, which made the hairpin turns merely death-defying. We had the same Johnny Cash CD on repeat for about two hours because were so on the edge of our seats that we didn't want to be distracted by changing it. But we made it safe and sound. I was glad to be back.

Laughter restored

2008-01-31T21:43:00.000-08:00

Today I hit a guest in the head with a plate. I also smoked out the dining room. I brought a guest a glass of milk instead of wine. Then I spilled a glass of Pepsi on Lee and Dace's floor.

Let me elaborate. We were serving drinks before dinner, and in typical polite, orderly server fashion, Bekah murmured, "Will you get the guest a drink?" However, the murmur was so low that I heard, "Will you get the guest a milk?" I thought it was odd as this guest had enjoyed a glass of red wine every previous night, but I poured the milk and brought it to her. She was confused, as was I, but we soon came to the mutual conclusion that she didn't want to switch her drink of choice.

So much for happy half-hour. I was serving the appetizer to another lady who was sitting with her elbows leaning on the table. I said "Excuse me," so I could set her plate down, and she leaned back--way back--and smacked her head into the plate I had in my other hand.

Oh yeah, the smoke in the dining room incident. So, this morning Bekah taught me how to build a fire. I had no practice and burnt much newspaper and kindling, which resulted in the dining room filling with a dense cloud of smoke. Rob walked out from the kitchen, then immediately clutched his throat and fell to the floor, crying, "Stop, drop and roll!" He army crawled toward me, gasping, "I'll save you, Kelsey!" but he "died" before he made it.

Lee and Dace hosted a game night at their place tonight. I had just filled up my Pepsi cup and set it on their folding table, which was positioned right between me and Grahm while we were sitting on the floor. I said, "Now Grahm, I just put my drink here, so don't knock this table over"--and my gesture toward the table ended in me backhanding it and splashing my drink all over their chair, wall and carpet.

Strangely enough, tonight was a great night. The truly great thing about it was that I found all of this funny, whereas at the beginning of the season I would be writing this in tears. As Jonell reminded me to have a sense of humor and I have experienced forgiveness as well as a great sense of humor from the other ranch hands, I've learned to laugh at myself again. It's something I never want to forget again. Life pretty much stinks if you can't laugh at yourself. Besides, if you're actually funny, you're missing out on a lot if you don't enjoy it.

Craig in Craig

2008-01-29T14:15:00.000-08:00

Monday and Tuesday are my usual days off. They also happen to correspond with Elisha's usual days off, so we usually end up hanging out together. Yesterday, Elisha said, "I want to go back to that craft store in Craig" (about 45 min west of Steamboat) "and get some more yarn." Craig has a super Walmart--a vast improvement on the pitiful half of a Walmart that Steamboat has--so I agreed to go along if we could include a stop there.

The drive was beautiful. Forty-five minutes through the snow-covered Rockies on a sunny day with some good music and good conversation. Elisha and I are often amused by the same things--for example, we both got a lot of enjoyment out of the fact that her car was named Craig and we were going to Craig.

We got some yarn, stocked up at super Walmart, and then Elisha decided to get her hair cut while we were there because places in Steamboat tend to be a bit pricey. I was sitting in the front reading a magazine when suddenly all the sunlight disappeared from the windows. I looked up to see a white cloud of snow blowing fiercely in front of the window. That was basically all I could see. When Elisha's hair was finished, things still hadn't let up. We got back in Craig and crawled along the street. We figured we would just drive very slowly and get back to Steamboat really late.

Once we got a few miles outside of town, though, conditions were pretty much impossible. We had to keep rolling down the windows to knock the ice off the windshield wipers. The only way we could tell where the road was was to follow the tail lights of the car in front of us. The genius driving that car, however, apparently decided that it was too bad to drive and stopped right in the middle of the highway. Good idea, Einstein. Let's sit here and get drifted under. Brilliant.
Elisha called her mom to ask her to pray, which launched a verbal torrent of "Do you have flares? Do you have emergency blankets? What about candles? This is exactly why I always tell you to plan ahead!" Not the most helpful thing at the moment. However, her mom did call their church's prayer chain, so that was appreciated. After that we decided the best option would be to turn around and go back to Craig for the night. This was no easy task as the genius in front of us still wouldn't budge and the cars behind us had consequently had to stop too, but Elisha maneuvered Craig around bit by bit, and we waited for another car to come by and followed its tail lights back into town.

At this point we made a second stop at the super Walmart for overnight necessities like toothbrushes and contact solution. We were just two of many who were stuck there. We heard that the highway was closed both directions and the hotels were jacking up their prices, so we headed back out to find an affordable place to stay for the night.

Coming into town, we had passed a place called the Bear Valley Inn. Their sign was shy a few letters and read: "Spacious Rooms and Affordable Rat s." Once again our similar sense of humor was evidenced as we both burst out laughing and proclaimed we had to stay with the Affordable Rats. And actually, it did end up being very affordable compared to the other prices we had heard from people in Walmart. It was not luxury by any means, but it was clean and didn't break the bank. so that was good enough for us.

We had dinner at the Village Inn, where Elisha had wanted to stay until I told her it was a restaurant, and then went back to our room. This morning was bright and sunny again, and we enjoyed a safe drive back, did a little shopping in town (where I got an awesome Western belt!) and came back to the ranch to cries of "You're alive!"

Looking back, I'm really glad things turned out the way they did. Elisha and I had a lot of fun and bonded on the trip, and I think we both needed a night away from the ranch. We are both introverts, and living and sleeping with five girls can be a strain. We kept remarking on how quiet the motel was and how comfortable our queen-sized beds were. Today while we were driving back, Elisha expressed that she misses church and being in the Word regularly, and we agreed to read Hosea together and discuss it. I am really excited about doing this. I most definitley need this kind of accountability (I miss tiny group!) or I end up doing one quiet time a week, on my first day off.

In other news, I've been thinking a lot since my last post. I was praying the other day, and the analogy that God hit on for me was that of a butterfly coming out of its cocoon. If you've ever seen those nature films, it doesn't just come out, it struggles and struggles, pulling against the sticky fibers and trying to figure out how to use its new legs and awkward, large wings. I feel like I'm in the struggling part right now, fighting the friction and the sticky cocoon, but I can feel God's sun warming and hardening my wings, and I know the next step is soaring through the sunny blue sky and landing on beautiful flowers, sipping their nectar. Not the most original analogy, but it really met me where I was. I still don't like struggling, and I don't think I'm finished yet, but it was encouraging to think about what comes next.

I talked to Dace the other day about staying for the summer. He said he would love to have me. He is still working on seeing who is coming back from previous seasons, and returners have priority, but I have precedence over any brand-new applicants, but I am "penciled in" for the summer. I'll be visiting home at the very least--I really miss people--but back in the summer, I will be back here, God willing. Honestly, if all you Midwesterners came out here, you wouldn't ever want to leave, either. I am so excited to see this place in the summer--I keep imagining its beauty--being able to sit and stargaze without getting frostbite, take walks by the river without wading through waist-deep snow or worrying about falling in tree wells and air pockets, hang out with the horses for more than ten minutes before your fingers feel like they're going to fall off--it will be good. And all of you will have to come visit me and see for yourselves!

This update brought to you by Jonelly the Rockstar...

2008-01-24T21:36:00.000-08:00

Once again, I have been prompted to update by Jonell. And I realized it has been a while since I posted. So, without further ado, my update.

The reason I haven't posted lately is because I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and deep thinking, and I haven't had a chance to process all of it yet. I feel like God has been challenging me a lot. Things that I have always been confident in--and not prideful, just secure that God has gifted me in--have been slightly attacked. To name some, compassion, creativity, hospitality, being good with kids, and also less deep things like fashion and appearance, like having to wear my glasses several days because my contacts dry out so quickly and I look hung over or high. But in the midst of all this, I don't sense the enemy's attack nearly so much as God's voice asking, "Are you going to choose to believe my truth? In spite of these circumstances, will you believe what I say about you?" It's so hard for me not to compare myself to one of the other girls in particular. I've always struggled with comparing myself. It doesn't help that this girl is also rather insecure and takes advantage of any opportunity to one-up someone else.

Which leads to the second thing I've been thinking about. It's so easy to think, "If people here were different, it would be so easy to believe God's truth/love them/not hold back with being myself." Well, people here aren't different, and they aren't going to change just because I want them to. What I need to figure out is how to work with them and adjust myself in healthy ways without becoming like them or losing myself in the process. I don't know how to do that. I find myself wanting to stoop to their level and tear them down. I was convicted today as I read 1 John 3:18 - "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with action and in truth," but I still don't feel that way. There are some people that you just can't win with: either they're moody and angry and blaming your for everything, or they're in a "good mood" and constantly ripping on you. I'm past the point of "Don't take it personally" and "have a thick skin." I feel like a tree that someone has constantly been taking little chips out of with an ax, and now the slightest breeze is going to blow me over. But also, I realize anew just how completely dependent I am on God. I most definitely do not have enough love to last through this. If I'm going to love these people, it will be purely God's love. Which is what I want to show them anyway.

That's all for now. More may follow later, but it's late and I have to work tomorrow. Thanks to our sponsor, Jonell Smith!

The Little Things

2008-01-19T21:18:00.000-08:00

Today was a really stressful day in a lot of ways. I had a pretty bad headache all day, and I had reached my limit of ranch tensions and drama. However, God gave me a lot of little things to get through the day. For starters, Steph's almost three-year-old daughter Maggie came in to work with her today, and I got to play with her for about half an hour. It was so fun to spend time with a little person again and hear the giggles and shrieks of delight. Four of the guests, two couples from Texas, have been so kind and delightful to serve, and today they asked me questions about my family, which meant to me that they really cared and were interested in me. After dinner, the wives gave me hugs and said, "You tell your mama that we hugged you--if my kids were working here, I'd want a mama to hug them for me." Dace told me he's glad I'm working here and said I should hang out with him sometime. That went a long way for my fear of authority thing. I was able to give Tom a hug when he needed one. My two friends from Laramie are coming to visit tomorrow, and I am so looking forward to some quality time with them. Rob didn't work dinner tonight, which always means less stress. And to top it off, Matt made his famous Slap-Your-Mama-In-the-Face-This-Dessert-Rocks banana bread dessert. YUM. Glimmers of God's love for me shining through the dark clouds.

Here are some really good thoughts from my friend Jessica's blog that exactly sum up the way I feel. I am reproducing this without permission, so Jess, please don't sue me, okay?

"I’m the kind of person that hates learning experientially, that is, by falling on my face. But at the same time I know that God can teach me so much when I’m lying flat, with my face in the mud.
So many times when I ask God to teach me something, or to grow me in some way, I half expect him to pass along some good reading material on the subject, perhaps facilitate some good discussion with trusted friends, and maybe throw in a moment of spiritual enlightenment. God can work in these ways. However, he doesn’t always package things in an easy-to-digest parcel.
Many times when I expect to be taught the easy way, the hands-off way, the way that protects Jessica’s pride, God wallops me with a type of learning that I can only describe as being intensely humbling and incredibly painful. Its not painful because God is hurting me; its painful because of the harm I have already caused myself. The smack on the hand is never as painful as the realization that you’re wrong, that you’ve made a mistake. That’s how pride gets you."

Good stuff, Jess. Thanks for summarizing my thoughts for me.

Top Ten Favorite Things About My Job

2008-01-15T21:40:00.000-08:00

1. Being surrounded by so much beauty
2. The chance to create a pleasurable experience for others by serving them
3. Constantly being challenged in my faith and in putting it to action
4. Getting to know my very fun and extremely diverse coworkers better
5. Hanging out with the horses, esp Zig and Zag
6. The heart-stopping beauty of the sunsets
7. Playing with the kid guests
8. The Martin family, esp Annie always giving me a hug
9. The breathtaking stars
10. Learning about who I am and being challenged to grow in it

What IS that?

2008-01-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

Today I saw something that I haven't seen since coming to Colorado. It took me so by surprise that I stopped and stared. It was a homey, comforting sight and made me think of warm, sunny days, returning life and laughing children running and playing.

Grass.

It was dead grass, brown and suffocated from being buried under literally feet of snow. The blades were sopping wet and completely flat. But I felt like kneeling down and kissing it. Who knows how many months until I see it again?

I finally got to go to church last night. I went with Lee, who I have adopted as my big brother. We had some fun conversation going to and from the ranch. We actually missed the sermon because Lee was out on a ski with a guest who was "molasses slow," as he said, but we got to sing 4 worship songs, and worshipping with others really met my heart. Afterwards, Lee and some of his church friends went out to a Mexican restaurant, but I asked him if he would drop me off at a coffee shop. I hadn't been off the ranch by myself since coming here. It's been a really good experience stretching myself socially, but last night I just needed the solitude. Lee dropped me off at Starbucks, and I walked next door to Safeway and picked up a few things, including a new journal, and went back to enjoy some quality time with my chai latte. It was really great. I think I am learning a lot about keeping my people time/alone time in proportion. It's not good for me to use being alone as an escape or an excuse to keep from taking risks, but it is good for me to recharge and keep from getting burnt out. I also think it's good for me to have interactions with people who aren't ranch employees or guests. When my conversation isn't limited to "What else can I bring you for breakfast?" or "How is your latte?", I don't know what else to say any more. Next time I will take them up on the offer of free chips and salsa and "really big margaritas."

Ranch life goes on...

2008-01-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was such a fun day. I did not start it optimistically, as it was my first day back after three days off. The servers are taking a turn in the dishpit this week since things are so slow for us and there's SO MUCH snow for everyone else to remove, and yesterday was my turn. But with only two guests, the amount of dishes didn't exactly match the days we seated thirty at each meal. It was actually very low-key and lots of time chatting with the kitchen guys. After lunch, Dace rescued me from the dishes so I could go SNOWMOBILING.

Snowmobiling was so much fun. I rode along with Elisha, our new room mate, and we got to see some beautiful terrain. Best of all, our ride was comped (sp?) because they want us to tell guests how much fun we had and send them on snowmobile tours. They took us to a meadow where we could ride around and tear it up as much as we wanted...within reason. While trying to climb a hill, Patrick got his snowmobile stuck, and while trying to get it out, he lurched forward, knocked his helmet against the windshield, and broke it. Thankfully he was okay--yay for helmets!--but the first thing the guide said was, "Patrick bought a windshield!" They were actually really nice about it, though, and only charged him $30 as opposed to the normal $70-$90. By the end of the trip, I was really freezing, but I was warmed up while we were waiting for them to dig out Pat by a spontaneous snowball fight that broke out in the meadow.

After dinner, we went out to The Glen. The Glen is a bar/restaurant in Clark that is actually called The White Bison Pub, but apparently it has recently undergone a change of name and everyone still calls it The Glen. I am not a big going-out type, but Rob set up a dance night with people from the Home Ranch, a neighboring guest ranch, and we are always ripping on him about not hanging out with us, so I couldn't afford not to go. Now, I am not a dancer. I'm one of those people who hangs back in the corner and watches everyone else. But of course, people do not allow that. They have a way of dragging you onto the dance floor and making you dance with them. And I actually had a lot of fun. I got to swing dance a little, and Teresa taught me how to salsa, and Isaiah taught me how to two-step, and then I taught Lee how to two-step, and Anita and I had fun copying the signature dance moves of the other staffers. I danced more last night than I did all last year, I think. My goal is to practice dancing in the bunkhouse so that next time I don't feel so self-conscious.

My new shoes arrived yesterday! They are so comfy. A little low-cut for the snow, though--I definitely need to wear my boots outside.

Wed night we had a prayer time with some girls at Johanna and Bekah's. It was great to finally get that fellowship and share with others. Speaking of prayer requests, I talked to my parents the other day, and they gave me the update on my grandparents. My mom's mom is on the mend and doing better every day. My dad's mom, the one who has Alzheimer's, stopped eating at the beginning of the week. They are not going to feed her intravenously because, in effect, she been gone for a long time, mentally and emotionally, anyway. They figure this is just her body's way of recognizing that it's time to shut down. My grandpa is back in assisted living, but I really think the reason he's held on for so long is for my grandma, and when my dad talked to him, he said he wanted my dad to have his desk and my mom some of my grandma's dishes. I feel like I've been preparing myself for them to go for years now, but what is hard for me is that they're not believers. I can't even think about them being eternally separated from God. I've never had anything that has thrown it into such reality for me. All of a sudden hell isn't just a theory or something for "other people" that I don't need to worry about. I've prayed through the passage about the laborers who came at the eleventh hour, and I know God can do anything, but honestly, I just try not to think about it too much. I don't know how to cope with this or process it.

Strangely, I've been feeling more subdued since the prayer group. I don't know if I'm reverting to the old ways since I used to always hang out around Christians and it reminds me of that, or if it's spiritual attack, or if I'm just tired. I just feel more hesitant to talk to people and share myself with them. I think I feel a separateness now. We bared our hearts in prayer group, and the others haven't been a part of that. I really don't want that. Being "in and not of" is key here.

On the other side, God has continued to open up doors for conversation with people here, and given opportunities to encourage and challenge. He is definitely faithful and wonderful.

Conflict Resolution

2008-01-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

Sunday morning: Our last few guests are getting ready to leave. Bekah is off, and Charissa and I are the only ones serving. I am scrambling to get sack lunches ready for them to take to the airport. Rob, who has been silently brooding all morning, comes by and tells me that he's starting to get angry because dishwashers don't put things away in the right place. Now, I don't do the dishes and I don't put things away. Then he starts blustering about how I don't understand because I don't live here and this is his home. Rob has been giving me guff about bringing in special orders lately, too--"You're too nice, they know you won't tell them no." Yeah Rob, I'll work on being meaner to the guests. Add that to my to-do list. Meanwhile, I'm trying to make sandwiches, which means I'm trying to learn how to use the meat slicer, find out where the other girls put the cheese, and cram into a tiny corner because Rob complained that we were taking up too much counter space. A few minutes later, Rob comes back and says, "I'm really having a hard time watching you make these sandwiches. You need to have the ingredients in separate containers and you need to slice all your meat first and you're doing this wrong and that wrong..." I was already frustrated because I knew it was taking me too long, but I was doing it just like I would at home and I didn't know a better way. Rob starts moving ingredients around and says, "If you're going to take up the counter space, then take it." That was the last straw. I burst into tears and ran into the walk-in. Charissa found me there and told me to go take a break. I walked around for a while to compose myself. I was also mad at myself for getting mad--I had decided not to take Rob personally and that I wouldn't let him influence the way I fee. Then I came back to serve lunch.

Ben came up to me in the dining room and gave me a hug. He told me I was doing a great job and reminded me that I was living out of a transformed heart, and said that any time it was getting to be too much to just come to his office and he would be my "dad." That was hugely encouraging to me. Most bosses I've had would have prayed not to have to get involved and hoped for it to blow over.

So, after that, I went back into the kitchen. I told Rob I was sorry for reacting so strongly, and in the future, if he wanted us to do something a certain way, maybe he could tell us before we started, because we're not trained in kitchen procedures. Rob totally surprised me. He apologized too and said he thought we'd been trained in the procedure, and he would love to give us a demo sometime. He said that he didn't want to make us cry and that it made him feel worse than we did. We decided that in the future, instead of getting angry and crying, we're going to give hugs.

So, I feel like I learned a lot from that. I'm nonconfrontational by nature, and it would have been easier to try to act like nothing happened. But now I feel like we understand each other a lot better and can deal with future conflicts better. I'm sure things will come up again, but now we can handle it a lot better.

Update

2008-01-05T14:01:00.001-08:00

So, Jonell asked for an update. So here it is, Jonelly!

Things have been fairly quiet lately. The INSANITY of the holiday rush is over. Teresa did the math and figured out that we averaged 78 hrs. a week. So, we are all feeling pretty tired right about now. Thankfully, though, next week we only have two guests. A honeymoon couple, actually. We get three days off plus some meals. I am SO looking forward to it! I need to go into town, get a haircut, and get some winter-appropriate clothing. I also really want to get a pedicure. I feel like an old lady with how often I say "My feet are killing me!" Actually, I almost sold Tom and Patrick on getting pedicures, too, which would be hilarious. I told them how you sit in a big cushy massage chair, stick your feet in a hot, bubbly mineral bath, and get the calluses scraped off plus a foot massage with cooling peppermint oil. Patrick was trying to convince Tom that they should go. He didn't want to go alone. Tom was not completely sold, however. I would definitely take pictures if they came.

I just bought a pair of orthopedic shoes. Once again, an old lady. But these are actually really cute, and I am excited about them. Here is the link: http://www.merrell.com/Product/NZSZZZ/Womens-Casual-Footwear/Slip-Ons/Womens/Black/J73078/Zodiac.aspx
I am really glad they make shoes that look good and feel good! Because the "cute" ones I have now are not making the cut.

It's snowing here again. This time it's a really icy snow, almost sleet. The temperature is right around 32. We were supposed to go horseback riding, but the weather is not conducive. We would be miserable and so would the horses. I really want to learn how to ride, though. Last time I got the impression that the horse was smarter than me, and he knew it. That annoyed me. I should be smarter than a horse, and the horse should be aware and respect me. I am the one with powers of speech and opposable thumbs!

I am excited because I feel like God is starting to show me some answers to prayer. I've been able to talk deeply and pray with one of the other Christian girls here, and have a few good conversations with one who isn't a Christian. Please pray that God would continue to open doors and give me words that are true but not judgmental, and loving but not compromising to the gospel. I keep thinking of Romans 2, where it talks about not judging, and says that judging is showing contempt for the riches of God's kindness, mercy and tolerance. I am praying that the riches of His kindness, mercy and tolerance would be abounding in my speech and actions.

Personally, I am doing better. It is still tough to adjust at times, but I think it will help a lot now that the pace has slowed down. I am starting to try to figure out how to address these issues rather than sink down under exhaustion and despair. I still have my moments--the other night I cried when I said goodbye to a guest because she called me "dear, sweet girl" and said "you were wonderful." I have realized since coming here what an affirming family and friend environment I come from. I have always taken it for granted, and I have never been in a place like this where I'm not in close contact with my family and close friends. It's been very hard not having that here. But I'm starting to realize the importance of keeping up on my time with God. I only stole a couple minutes so far today, but even that lifted my heart and encouraged my spirit. I realized how much I'd been affected by not making that a regular priority.

That's my update! See ya on the flip side!

2008-01-04T20:38:00.000-08:00

100 questions while updating iTunes...

1. Are you ready for 100 questions?
Oh, sure

2. Do you watch college football?
No. I do not like watching people knock each other over for a stuffed piece of leather

3. Who will fill this survey out after you?
I kind of doubt anyone will.

4. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
My phone doesn't receive texts

5. Do you love anyone? If so then Who?
Jesus! (thanks, Jonell!) and Jude Law. Someday he'll realized he loves me too

6. What is your current general emotion?
Tired but satisfied

7. Where was the last place you went shopping? And for what?
Safeway. Cards and a peppermint mocha at the Starbucks kiosk

8. How do you feel about your hair?
I seriously need a haircut. I want a classy bob with side-sweep bangs

10. Last thing you ate/drank?
Dinner was venison and blue cheese mashed potatoes with chocolate mousse with mixed berries for dessert

11. Do you wish you were someplace else right now?
Right now? I am pretty happy right now, sitting on the couch and watching The Office with a bunch of people. When I get up for breakfast tomorrow I probably will

12. Do you have any pet peeves?
Oh, yes. Grammar is definitely the worst--lately, people putting silverware in the wrong compartments.

13. Do you have any expensive jewelry?
Not really

14. AIM or Yahoo?
AIM

16. How many hours on average do you work a week:
Teresa did the math--we are averaging 78 hrs a week

18. Favorite baseball team?
Chicago Cubs, but only because of their colors

19. Favorite NBA team?
Pacers

20. Do you watch the Olympics?
Sometimes... I like the figure skating and gymnastics (I couldn't have said it better, Jonell)

21. Last restaurant you went to?
Um...I think it was McDonald's

22. Who was the last person to call you?
I don't know...I think my brother

23. What’s your sign?
Leo

24. Do you have a favorite number? If so, what is it?
I've always liked 7

25. Last time you did volunteer work or made any donations?
About a month ago

26. What do you spend the majority of your money on?
Maybe shoes. Silly, I know

Where does your family live?
Good ol' Indiana!

28. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? How many and of what gender?
One older sister and one younger brother

29. Ever been called a bitch?
Yeah, my friends and I had real potty mouths in middle school

30. Got any guilty pleasures?
Like chocolate?

31. Do you drink beer?
Ew, no.

32. Whats your favorite colors?
Blue, red, green and purple

33. Did you ever collect Beanie Babies?
No, my mom said they were a fad and I shouldn't waste my money

34. Ever bought anything online?
I just bought some Merrell Mary Jane's!

35. Myspace or Facebook?
Facebook

36. Do you have T-Mobile?
Nope

38. Do you sometimes wish you were someone else?
Nah, I think God knew what He was doing when He thought of me

41. Last time you saw your parents face to face?
Dec 9 when they dropped me off at the airport. Wow, sad.

42. Do you have any talents?
I suppose.

43. Ever been in a wedding?
I was in Hope's wedding about a year ago!

44. Do you have any children?
No, but I can't wait!

45. Last movie you watched?
Anchorman

46. Are you missing anyone at the moment?
Yeah, a lot of people

47. Did you take a nap today?
No...I wanted to, but people kept coming in

49. Ever been on a cruise..?
No

50. What song are you listening to?
None right now

52. Do you have any wealthy friends?
Yes, and I am making more at the ranch! :)

53. Ever met anyone famous before?
No

54. Favorite actor?
Maybe Harrison Ford

55. Favorite actress?
Meryl Streep

56. Are you multi-tasking right now?
Yep

57. Could you handle being in the military?
No way

58. Are you hungry or thirsty?

always thirsty here

59. Favorite fast food restaurant?
I don't think Panera is fast food, Jonelly! I'm going with McDonald's, but only for breakfast

61. What is your average cell phone bill?
about $50

62. Do you own a camera phone?
Yes.

63. Ever had to take a sobriety test?
Nope

64. Do you believe in Karma?
Nah.

65. Can you speak any other languages?
No

66. Last time you went to the gym or worked out?
I went for a very extended walk on Wed

67. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
A lot...maybe 35?

68. Do you have a photo hosting site that you use?
Not unless you count Facebook

69. Last place you were?
The dining room

70. What is/was your high school mascot?
McCutcheon Mavericks

71. Ever been to Las Vegas?
I have not

76. Have you ever been gambling?

No
77. How old are your parents?
Dad-53. Mom-52

78. When is the last time you updated your blog?
Tuesday

79. Do you have your wisdom teeth?
No, I only have one that formed and it didn't come in all the way

80. Favorite place to be?
In the mountains

81. Have you been to New York City?
Yeah. It was okay

82 Favorite sit down restaurant?
La Scala on the square. If you haven't been, go.

83. Ever been to Disney Land?
No, but I really want to go to Cinderella's castle

84. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
Does Cinderella count?

85. Last thing you cooked?
I haven't cooked for so long...

86. How is the weather today?
Cold and snowy...just like every day

87. Do you email?
Yeppers

88. Last letter/piece of mail you received besides junk or a bill?
my paycheck!

89. Last missed call?
my little bro

91. Last voicemail you received?
little bro

92. Do you drunk dial/text?
Nope, don't do that.

93. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
Last week I dropped it in a snow bank

94. What is the best city in the state that you live in?
I'll go with Steamboat Springs, though many Coloradians I've met say Denver

96. 1 to 10 where is your attention span sitting at, one being La La land and 10 being on point?

2 or 3
97. Are you bored right now?

not really

98. Last concert you went to?

Toby Keith
99. What do you think about before you go to bed?
usually my anxieties...Jonell's answer is better

100. What are your plans for tomorrow?
Work...but during our break Caleb is going to take us riding!

Inwardly Renewed Day by Day

2008-01-01T12:24:00.001-08:00

Oh, friends. What an absolutely insane time! It's been a while since I've blogged, and sooo much has happened. Settle back for a long update...

First of all: grandparents. Last Wed, I got an e-mail from my dad telling me that my grandma on the other side, my mom's mom, was flown into the hospital in Indy because she had a ruptured aorta. After running tests, they decided not to do surgery but to adjust her meds and let her body try to heal itself. The risk is that they had to take her off the blood thinners so to slow her bleeding, but she was on them to prevent clots in her heart and the like. Last I heard she was doing well and in good spirits. Meanwhile, my grandpa is still in the hospital in Chicago. It turns out his "flu" was a twisted colon. Thankfully they were able to treat that, but now he has pneumonia. He is just old and everything is compounding. I was able to call during his 90th birthday party and talk to him. He was a little overwhelmed because there were 25 people trying to squeeze into his hospital room and it was super loud, but he was excited to get to see everyone, including my cousin Katie's new baby, Henri.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (I love saying things like that--"home on the range," etc--cowboy expressions are now a part of real life), the New Year's week has been crazy-busy. We got a new round of guests, all of whom were really enjoyable this time. None of the crazy high-maintenance stories like last time. Sunday the 30th--a freezing, windy, snowy day. We were serving lunch when suddenly all the lights blinked off. Power lines were down. We finished lunch as best as we could, but of course none of the kitchen equipment was working, and the kitchen guys were freaking out. The guests were rockstars, though--they said they were perfectly happy to eat whatever was available, and some even ordered peanut butter and jelly to make it easier on us. Thankfully, all the cabins have a wood burning stove, so no one froze to death. Dinner was actually super fun that night. The guys worked their tails off in the kitchen and cooked on propane burners and Dutch ovens, and pulled off pan-seared chicken, Dutch oven biscuits, salad and dessert. They got a standing ovation from the guests, and well-deserved. We served dinner by candlelight and propane lanterns. Charissa stood and held a flashlight over the buffet line. That night was the indoor campfire, which is always fun. People sing and recite poetry, and it was just enhanced by the camp feel of the fire and lanterns. Afterwards Dace passed out sleeping bags and blankets, and Ben made sure there was a good fire in all the cabins. The plan was for girl staff to sleep in Hinman, the hang-out center, since none of the girls have fireplaces, and the guys to sleep in Hole In the Wall, the only guys' housing that does have a stove. The servers finished really late, though, so Charissa and I headed over to Ben and Holly's house to save some room in Hinman. We actually did not end up sleeping there, though. We ended up talking to Holly until 12:40 am. Holly is my favorite person here. She is one of the sweetest, funnest, most loving and caring women I've ever met. She asked me how I'd been doing since coming to the ranch, and I found myself spilling my guts to her. Usually it takes me a while to open up to people, but I never doubted that I was perfectly safe with Holly. By the end of the evening I was crying and pouring out my heart. I told her that the hardest thing about being here is that I have no spiritual support, and leaving a great church and life group and coming to a place where I'm totally dependent on myself for my personal walk and have no fellowship has been beyond hard. She said that she and Ben are planning on starting a Bible study once the craziness of the holiday season dies down, and offered to let us talk with her and pray with her any time we need it. This was exactly what I've been needing. It was so relieving to talk to someone who truly cared and genuinely listened. I feel like a weight has been lifted.

While we were having this great conversation with Holly, the lights came back on! We were excited to have the power restored. Then Charissa and I realized that with the dishwasher out of commission all day, we had nothing to set the tables with the next day, and even worse, the guys had no pots or dishes to cook with. So, clad in our pajamas, we went back to the lodge to knock out the mountain of cookery and utensils. We ended up being there from 1-5 am, but we actually had a lot of fun. The next morning Rob was so thrilled and everyone thanked us and gave us hugs. The way we looked at it was that this our home right now, and if the dishwasher went out at home, we wouldn't say "That's not my job" or "I didn't make this mess," we would just wash the dishes. Let no one say that servers never wash dishes and don't understand!

New Year's eve was a little crazy. We served a six-course wine paired meal, with wine and champagne with dessert, too. By the time of the countdown, the guests were feeling pretty good. Some of the servers got big wet kisses from really "happy" guests (thankfully not me). Afterwards Matt had a party at his place, but I didn't stay very long. I just wanted to go to sleep.

Today is my day off, so I got to sleep in until 10:30 (amazing!), and afterwards I went horseback riding with Hallie, one of the new housekeepers and our new bunkhouse roommate. It was really fun. It was such a beautiful sunny day, and it was wonderful to get outside for a while. I rode a pretty white horse named Sparky. I kind of felt like it was a joke, though--we tagged along with a guest ride, and the horses knew exactly where to go without me directing them. They say it's important to let a horse know who's dominant and be in control, but I'm pretty sure that horse was smarter than me, and if it decided to run away, there's not much I could do about it. Saturday, Caleb is going to take Charissa and I out riding, and that will be good because he can tell us what to do instead of just bouncing around like a sack of potatoes.

The other day, when Charissa was complaining about Rob being moody, Ben quoted a verse that really stuck with me: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Cor 4:17-18). I've been reading 2 Corinthians 4, and the whole chapter has been extremely encouraging and thought-provoking. It begins and ends with "Therefore we do not lose heart." I've definitely wondered why I came out here just before my grandparents got sick and when I was involved in such a great church. This chapter says, "We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you." It's strangely comforting to know that. It's easy when things go wrong to wonder "What is going on? Did I just screw up somehow?" No, this is part of life. Death is also at work in me. But the best part is why this is happening: "...so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." I've prayed to be a witness to people here, but I never thought that feeling like this could be a part of it. But it is. I've also been thinking about what it means to fix my eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. I used to think about solely in the context of heaven. But I've started to think about it in the context of people. What is seen is immaturity, moodiness, a complaining spirit, self-centeredness and uncaring. But what is unseen is their soul, their precious hearts that need healing and restoration and that Jesus thought were worth laying down His life for.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

2007-12-26T14:33:00.000-08:00

Merry Day After Christmas! It is also the start of Kwanza, Matt tells me. Anyhow, it is a return to sanity around here.

It was so weird that yesterday was Christmas. It didn't feel like Christmas at all. It was the busiest day we've had, and I barely had time to think about it. I opened my Christmas packages, and they had stockings for us in the staff room and everyone said Merry Christmas, but I couldn't wrap my mind around it. But it wasn't a bad day, just a normal one.

Ever since I came here people have been telling me that the busiest time is now until New Years, and later in January we'll be standing around twiddling our thumbs. Right now that sounds like heaven. I'm exhausted in every way. The last time my body felt this beat up, I had just backpacked for 13 miles in one day. For the past couple days, at least one of the servers has had at least one emotional breakdown and tears at least once a day. Between high-maintenance guests, the chef being sick and on edge, and Bekah being stretched too thin and stressed out with everything, and the personal struggles of learning a new job with tons of detail, being away from family during the holidays, and being so tired, we are all pretty on edge. I am pretty much living on Advil. My favorite place is the walk-in refrigerator--you can let a few tears out when you go in for something, wipe your eyes and go back out with your item after letting off a little steam.

I feel like I'm at such an odd place in my life. I've never been around this many people that I like and still felt lonely. I know I just need to give it time for deep relationships to form, and there are a lot of people I want to form deep relationships with, but we are just not there yet. I haven't really felt like myself since coming here, and that bothers me.

It is funny because I am 24 and my roommate Charissa is 25, and our other roommate Teresa is 22, and she is kind of like our mom. Charissa and I are pretty emotional and can be all over the charts, and Teresa is just laid-back and assuring and takes care of us, like doing jobs for us and remembering things we need when she goes into town.

So I realize my blog has been pretty whiny as of late. It is just a good place to vent, besides the walk-in fridge. I love reading all of your blogs and keeping up on your lives. I miss you guys!

Melodic Monday

2007-12-24T14:05:00.000-08:00

This is one of my all-time favorite Christmas carols. It was also part of our yearly advent time. I think the lyrics are really meaningful. I've bolded the parts that really stand out to me.

O little town of Bethlehem,
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight

For Christ is born of Mary,
And gathered all above,
While mortals sleep, the angels keep
Their watch of wond'ring loved
O morning stars together
proclaim the holy birth
And praises sing to God the King
And peace to men on earth

How silently, how silently
the wondrous gift is given!
So God imparts to human hearts
The blessings of His heaven
No ear may hear His coming
But in this world of sin,
Where meek souls will receive Him
Still the dear Christ enters in

O holy Child of Bethlehem,
Descend to us, we pray
Cast out our sin and enter in
Be born in us today
We hear the Christmas angels
The great glad tidings tell
Oh, come to us, abide with us
Our Lord Emmanuel!

Quirks of the Rich and Famous

2007-12-23T21:56:00.001-08:00

So there's not actually anyone famous staying here (unless you count Matt for his Slap-Your-Mama-in-the-Face-This-Dessert-Rocks Dessert), but I thought I would take a moment to share some of the quirks of our very rich guests--some of them wonderful people, some of them...not.

-Guest: "Are you going to build a fire?"
-Me: "We don't build a fire until dinner because the room gets really hot and smoky."
-Guest: "Really? We really like the fire."
-Me: "I'm sorry, we don't light it until dinner."
-Guest: "I like to dry my daughter's mittens by it. We really like it when there's a fire."
-Me: "We'll light it at dinner."
- Guest: "It's just that we really like it when there's a fire."
-Me: (walks away to prevent verbal torrent from pouring out)

-Guest: (carries coffee cup up to the espresso station) "There's coffee grounds in my latte."
- Me: "I'm so sorry. Let me make you another one."
- Guest: "Do you have a tamper?" (butts behind espresso station and makes own latte)

-Guest: "Is there nuts in this chicken salad?"
-Me: "Yes."
-Guest: (icily condescending): "Maybe there doesn't need to be tree nuts in every single item."

-Me: "Can I take your order?"
-Guest: "Yes, I don't want anything on the menu. Can you get me a BLT?"
-Me: (after checking with chefs) "Sure, we can do that."
- Guest: (5 min later) "Can you make sure that's on wheat bread?" (5 min later) "Can I have Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise? (5 min later) "Can I get that toasted?"

-Guest: (arrives at 6 a.m. to work on Christmas cards in the dining room while we're setting up for breakfast) "Can I get some coffee? Can I go through the buffet line yet? Will you take my daughter's breakfast order? Can I change my daughter's breakfast order?"
-Servers: (repeatedly): "We'll start serving at 7:30."

My personal favorite is when we take a majorly specialized order and when we clear their plate, they've barely touched it. Some of these things make me want to tear my hair out when they happen, but we always laugh about them the next day. Plus, dessert tonight was pumpkin swirl cheesecake with rum chocolate sauce and cinnamon whipped cream. Kind of makes all such problems just melt away.

2007-12-22T20:51:00.000-08:00

I got an e-mail from my mom today that my grandpa is back in the hospital. He dropped his razor, and when he bent over to pick it up, he tore his rotator cuff. While he was there he caught some kind of flu bug and they have him hooked up to an IV and oxygen. When my uncle asked him what the oxygen was for, he was surprised to find out that he was on oxygen. He has been confused and disoriented since checking in, which is not normal for him. He's been in and out of hospitals so much that it's almost like, "Oh, Grandpa's in the hospital again," but at the same time all his health problems seem to be compounding, and I know he won't live forever. His 90th birthday is on Christmas day, and there is a big party planned where all my dad's side is getting together. I knew I would miss that when I came out here, and I knew the last time I visited him would probably be the last time I saw him. But I just hate that I can't be with my family right now. I hate that I don't have any deep friendships here, and while everyone is really nice, there's no one I can spill my guts to and cry my eyes out with. People who know feel bad, but no one knows me well enough to really care. I just feel really alone and helpless. It's not like there's anything I could do if I were there, either. I just want to be there.

Not the Best Day

2007-12-21T22:08:00.000-08:00

Today was my first full day of serving real guests. It was not terrible, there were just a lot of little things that built up. Rob and the kitchen guys kept picking on me for being quiet. Yeah, people, I don't talk unnecessarily and I have a soft voice. I get it. I've been this way for 24 years and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Just because our culture says to be loud, self-sure and forward, and I'm not, doesn't mean I'm an abnormal human being. I'm quiet and I LIKE it.

Some of the guests are far more high-maintenance than others. We were talking about the subtle differences between the ones who are kind and grateful for your service, and the ones who are like, "I'm here to be served--serve me." We are here to serve them, and it's our job, but I do appreciate being treated like a human being rather than a food-fetching robot. It just comes with the territory. Plus, the people here are filthy rich and are used to having whatever they want without having to think about it.

I've had a sore throat and other cold symptoms starting today. During our afternoon break I went home and fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up I had just enough time to jump in the shower before heading down for dinner. Unfortunatley, Teresa came back from working out while I was in the shower and I didn't give her a chance to jump in. She was really nice about it, but I felt bad.

I am still far from having the details of this job down cold. There are so many things to remember, and I have yet to remember all of them. Tonight I mixed up order and seat numbers (funny story, though: I was trying to explain my jumbled tickets to Teresa, and I said, "The eggplant goes to the attractive man at table 5," and everyone in the back heard me), started taking dessert orders before we cleared the entree, and asked Bekah a million questions. Bekah is stretched way too thin right now, trying to start the season, train us and also decorate one of the cabins by herself. After dinner, I had accidentally put the white linen table cloths in with the other linens, and she said, "These go in the ORANGE bag" and started stuffing them in the orange bag very forcefully. We were both almost in tears from stress.

Tom just figured out that my name is Kelsey and not Chelsea. He said he's never known anyone named Kelsey before and asked, "Is that your real name? On your birth certificate? It's not a nickname or something?" For cryin' out loud, buddy, Kelsey is not THAT weird!

One of the younger kitchen guys was hanging out in our place today, and he started asking me what I do for fun, don't I party, why don't I like movies with lots of cursing and violence, and acting like I was the lamest person in the world. Forgive me for being more mature than you, 20-year-old male. Please at least respect my beliefs and don't make me out to be a holier-than-thou stick-in-the-mud.

I am trying to view this through the lens of my recent "breathing fresh air" experience. I've decided it's important not to deny my feelings about days like this, but it's also important to move on once I've acknowledged them and had a good cry, and not dwell on them and let them consume me. I have been thinking a lot about this prayer of St. Francis:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I want my life at the ranch to be that lived out. No matter how bad my days are or how much I get razzed for being a Christian (actually a pretty new experience for me, since I've kind of spent my life in a Christian bubble), I want to be focused more on giving to others than receiving anything from them.

It's ridiculously late and I've got to go to bed. Good night!

Freedom

2007-12-18T15:27:00.000-08:00

The Israelites are stubborn, like a stubborn heifer. How then can the Lord pasture them like lambs in a meadow? - Hosea 4:16

Another day of serious soul-searching. This time it was triggered by Jonell's comment on my last post, when she said she was staying amused by my posts. That challenged my perspective. The last thing I was finding all of this was amusing, and it really made me think. I used to laugh at my mistakes all the time. The stories about barking "Dang it!" at Dace and serving Rusty first when I had just said "Ladies are always first" would have been material for a good laugh five minutes later, at the most. Instead, I lay awake and agonized over it when I went to bed.

Here are a few sentences from my journal. For reference, Steve was talking to us about Christmas day said it could be a lot of fun even though we're away from our families if we "just pull our heads out of our backsides." Steve is awesome.

"How did I get tot his perfectionist point? That's not really who I am. I used to be able to laugh at myself. I am taking myself way too seriously. All of Vista Verde's reputation is going to be in jeopardy because I popped the cork on a wine bottle? Who do I think I am? If I'm so focused on myself I won't be able to focus on giving the guests a good time. I need to pull my head out of my backside!"

So, I think it's out. It can seem awfully warm and safe and comfortable in there. But for God's sake, I need to breathe fresh air.

"Cursed is the one who trusts in man; who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord; whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has not worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." - Jeremiah 17:5-8

A Hard Day's Night

2007-12-17T20:53:00.000-08:00

...I should be sleepin' like a log! So, today was our first day of mock meals, designed to help train us before we started serving guests. It was INSANE. At breakfast, Dace asked me to explain the menu to him. It was the first order I had tried to take, and I said right out loud, "Oh, DANG IT!" Not the most professional response. Then, at lunch, I couldn't seem to tell my right hand from my left--hence, me serving people from the wrong side. This was me during wine service at dinner: "Two wines tonight--chardonnay and pinot noir. Serve from the right side with the right hand. Why won't this stupid knife cut through the foil? Dang it, I made the cork pop! OH SHOOT I just spilled water all over the beautiful white linen cloth!"

While we were folding napkins for the dinner, Bekah made an interesting comment: "I like that all of you are perfectionists." That threw me for a loop. I have never considered myself to be a perfectionist by any stretch of the imagination. I've always been a big "good enough is good enough" person. But in the past few months, I have definitely been acting like a perfectionist. I stew over every tiny detail and beat myself up if I make a mistake. I can definitely trace the roots, but I didn't realize it had reached a point where I could be called a perfectionist.

I still don't think I am one. A perfectionist likes perfection for its own sake--order, symmetry, and meticulous attention to detail warm the cockles of their little anal hearts. That is definitely not me. I also don't think it's a pride issue--I know that I make mistakes and don't (usually) view myself through the grid of them. I'm perfectly aware that I'm fallible and don't expect myself to be otherwise. During some serious soul-searching while ladling out the lunch lemonade (I just have to be an English dork and point out all the alliteration in this sentence), I decided that what kills me is what other people will think of me, or more accurately, what I think other people will think of me. I'm afraid that they will view me through the grid of my mistakes. Also, I hate that my actions as a server are also a reflection on Bekah, the kitchen guys and Vista Verde as a whole. What if they view all those things throught the grid of my mistakes? I guess I assume that my mistakes make up a grid that someone will pick up and look through to see me. I find it hard to believe that someone would see the grid and leave it lying there and look at me through the grid of grace and love. Weird thoughts, but they help me process.

So, I would just like to make the disclaimer that this is in no way intended to be a sob story or "Woe is me." It just helps me process my thoughts to write them out, and y'all usually have some good feedback, so I do it on blogspot.

Moving on...dinner tonight was TREMENDOUS. Crab cakes, your choice of strawberry snapper served on a bed of risotto with sauce Provence or filet mignon served over bleu cheese whipped potatoes with blistered asparagus tips, and for dessert: Matt's Slap-Your-Mama-in-the-Face-This-Dessert-Rocks Fried Banana Bread with homemade vanilla bean ice cream and a rum-caramel sauce (Rob actually printed the menu that way). All I can say is that it deserves its whopper of a name, because I don't think there are enough words that mean "good" to describe it. It was seriously one of the best things I've ever tasted. Ever.

Ok. And now...for Melodic Monday, a song that my family used to sing every year as part of our advent wreath time. It's not one of the better-known Christmas carols, but it's one of my favorites.

Thous didst leave Thy throne and Thy kingly crown
When Thou camest to earth for me
But in Bethlehem's home was there found no room
For Thy holy nativity
Oh, come to my heart, Lord Jesus!
There is room in my heart for Thee!

Heaven's arches rang when the angels sang
Proclaiming Thy royal decree
But in lowly birth didst Thou come to earth
And in great humility
Oh, come to my heart, Lord Jesus!
There is room in my heart for Thee!

The foxes found rest and the birds their nest
In the shade of the forest tree
But Thy couch was the sod, O Thou Son of God
In the deserts of Galilee
Oh, come to my heart, Lord Jesus!
There is room in my heart for Thee!

Thou camest, O Lord, as the Living Word
That would set Thy people free
But with mocking scorn and with crown of thorn
They bore thee to Calvary
Oh, come to my heart, Lord Jesus!
There is room in my heart for Thee!

When heaven's arches shall ring and the angels sing
At Thy coming to victory
Let Thy voice call me home, saying, "Yet there is room!
There is room at my side for thee!"
And my heart shall rejoice, Lord Jesus,
When Thou comest and callest for me!

Starry, Starry Night

2007-12-14T15:12:00.000-08:00

Wed night, the ski guides took us on a staff snowshoe to Homestead Cabin across the pasture. I had never tried such a thing before and was a little apprehensive, but Rusty got me fixed up with boots and snowshoes and made me feel like a rockstar for going off the groomed trail into the powder (really not a big deal). Halfway there, Cullen had everyone with headlamps turn them off. I looked up at the sky, and my breath was literally taken away. The stars were so stunningly clear and bright, and I have never seen so many. The snow was so bright in the starlight that we didn't even need the headlamps. I even saw a shooting star. Dace had snowmobiled ahead of us and started a fire in the cabin and lit some candles. We chatted and sipped hot chocolate, then snowshoed back. Thankfully I managed to sidestep Matt, who has a bad habit of pushing people into snowbanks.

So, I realize that I will be referencing a lot of people in my blogs that most of you don't know. I'll give you a quick breakdown for future reference:

Kitchen guys: Rob, the chef; Matt, the sous chef; Tom, Patrick and Blake, the culinary school externs

Ski guides: Rusty, Dana, Cullen, and Mary. Steve and Kelly run the Nordic center and have a daughter named Maddie

Housekeeping: Johanna, Anita, Zach

Wranglers: Lee, Caleb

Ranch hands: Courtney, Graham, Jess

Servers: Bekah, Charissa, Teresa, and Kelsey

General Managers: Dace, Ben. Ben's wife Holly runs the gift shop in the lodge. They have four children, Chelsea, Jack, Annie...and another daughter whose name I can't remember for the life of me.

There are also Bill, who does wood-working, and Charlie, kind of a general handyman. I'm not sure what his job title is. I feel like I'm leaving someone out...perhaps I will update this later.

2007-12-11T19:38:00.000-08:00

"The next time you hear from me, it will be from the snowy peaks of the Rocky Mountains!"

I laughed when I read that again. When I wrote it, I was sitting in Indiana with a nice 1-2 in film of snow on the ground. I had no idea that in a few days my concept of snowy would be totally redefined.

Yesterday they put the new staff on snow removal. People had been gone for a while between seasons, so meanwhile all the snow had piled up. I discovered for the first time what it's like to literally wade through knee-deep snow. I also discovered what a couple months of sitting in a desk chair all day had done to my body. Today I felt like someone beat me with a snow shovel instead of me shoveling with it.

We had kitchen orientation today-learning how to do dishes and clean up the staff dining room. A LONG process. Rob, the chef, was laying out his rules for us and telling us how he likes things, and all I could think the whole time was "I'm gonna screw it up." Dace, one of the general managers, came up to me later and asked me if I was feeling overwhelmed. I was a little, but not to the point where I should have welled up with tears. I hate that I cry about nothing all the time and I can't seem to stop myself. It's like my first emotional reaction to anything, even if it's not really tear-worthy. Dace was very sympathetic and understanding, but that just made me want to break down even more. I had a few minute's break in the afternoon, and I re-realized just how desperately I want to perform well, esp for my boss or people in leadership over me. I want them to say "Kelsey was the best at her job--we were so glad she worked here this winter, and we hope she comes back every season forever. She is so talented and gifted. She was not a burden at all--we barely had to train her she was so good!" Not realistic, I know. But this has been a big deal for me ever since I left the Navs. I want desperately to be affirmed of my strengths and forgiven of my weaknesses, and helped to grow in and overcome them. Dare I hope for this at the ranch? No, I don't dare. I hardly dare to believe that this is even possible. So I make one little mistake and am reduced to tears because I just proved that I'm not "good enough."

I *know* all the answers to this, like Jesus is the only one who can affirm me and I shouldn't rely on people's approval, etc. I know. I just need to learn.

The other general manager, Ben, and his wife Holly brought their two youngest kids down for dinner tonight. Their names are Jack and Annie, 6 and 8 yrs old. They are adorable. They are so polite and fun. I think this would be an awesome place to grow up. Annie told me she wants to work on the ranch when she gets old enough, because she could eat all the yummy food for free. The food here, by the way, is phenomenal. Tonight we had beef stroganoff. I don't usually care for it because it's bland and the beef is tough and chewy, but oh my freakin' goodness, I think I could have eaten the entire pot of it tonight. The sous chef, Matt, came up with some delectably delicious honey wheat bread. He said he was "just experimenting." He didn't use a recipe at all. I love to watch them work in the kitchen. They do amazing things with food. And all the guys defy a chef's reputation of being a jerk and are very nice and helpful and appreciative when you like their food, not acting like they're doing you a great favor by allowing you to sample their craft (which they actually are).

Ok, 10 pm. I have got to get used to this time change and physical labor. Good night!

Melodic Monday

2007-12-10T21:40:00.000-08:00

Hark! The herald angels sing,
"Glory to the newborn King!"
Peace on earth and mercy mild
God and sinners reconciled
Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With angelic hosts proclaim,
"Christ is born in Bethlehem!"
Hark! The herald angels sing,
"Glory to the newborn King!"

Christ, by highest heaven adored
Christ the everlasting Lord
Late in time behold Him come
Offspring of the Virgin's womb
Veiled in flesh, the Godhead see
Hail the incarnate Deity
Pleased, as man, with men to dwell
Jesus, our Emmanuel
Hark! The herald angels sing,
"Glory to the newborn King!"

Hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace
Hail the Sun of Righteousness
Light and life to all He brings
Risen with healing in His wings
Mild, He lays His glory by
Born that man no more may die
Born to raise the Sons of earth
Born to give them second birth
Hark! The herald angels sing,
"Glory to the newborn King!"

Colorado Rocky Mountain High!

2007-12-09T20:20:00.000-08:00

I am sitting on my bed in my bunkhouse at the ranch. How ranch-handish does that sound--"I'm headin' up to the bunkhouse--gonna hit the hay." They don't really talk like that here. I have about a 4x6 ft space for my bed and my stuff, but I have plenty of shelf space and actually have an entire shelf completely empty. The upside of the extremely small space is that it is also extremely personal. The ceiling slants down over my bed--I've already smacked my head into it. Maybe I'll sleep at the other end of the bed.

I am feeling really tired, a little overwhelmed and a little altitude-offish. Not altitude sick, just a little dizzy and slight headache. Better drink lots of water. I don't think I'm getting enough oxygen to my brain or something, because my motor skills are sadly impaired. All my shampoo and lotion bottles puffed up with the pressure. Can't wait until I open them and the contents explode on me.

We have wireless internet connection, but no cell phone reception. We have to go into town for that. They do have a staff line that is free long-distance.

My flight into Denver was delayed because of weather. When I landed, I was booking it through the airport to catch my shuttle. I asked three people, none of whom were native English speakers, where to find it, and got three different answers. Finally one guy called someone and told me it picked up on the OTHER side of the airport. Picture me, with a huge backpack and two 50-lb bags, barreling through the Denver airport at top speed. Thankfully, since I had made a reservation, they waited the shuttle for me.

My friend Johanna picked me up at the shuttle drop-off, along with another new ranch hand, a guy named Jess from Georgia who talks with a shy twang and holds doors for ladies. He is one of the only people whose names I know. But it's ok, no one knows my name, either. Everyone I've met so far is really friendly and seems to have a good work hard, play hard mentality.

Some of the guys are hanging out downstairs in our lounge, or living room, or whatever you call it. I am too tired and overwhelmed to put up with it right now. I just finished packing and settling in, and I have never been a big hanger-outer. I feel like I'm wasting so much time by just...sitting there. Besides, I would be a total wet blanket right now. "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? I WANT TO SLEEP." Probably not a good opener.

If you have made it through this blog, congratulations.

The soundtrack to my life

2007-12-08T14:31:00.001-08:00

I was talking to my brother today as I was packing. He said he caught the beginning of the Mary Tyler Moore show and he thought the theme song should be dedicated to me as I start this trip.

Love is All Around
Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you, girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it?
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

How will you make it on your own?
This world is awfully big, girl, this time you're all alone
But it's time you started living
It's time you let someone else do some giving
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it?
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

That was so encouraging. I've been hit with the last-minute nervous-excited-stressed stage as I finish packing up. Last night I sat and stared at the Christmas tree, thinking about how I am MOVING to Colorado. Not visiting, not vacationing, but MOVING. My life has always been here, and suddenly it's going to be somewhere else very far away. Leaving around Christmas is especially hard for me--it's one of the few times I actually want to be at home with my family. Also, leaving RVC is hard just as I'm starting to make a niche for myself. I keep falling into old fears: "Will I be good enough at my job? Will I make friends? What if I'm too quiet and shy? What if I screw it up?"

However, God has been so incredibly faithful. As I've finally realized what it means to come to Him in childlikeness, He has responded instantly and fully. I confessed my lack of responsibility in handling my money and asked Him to take care of me as His daughter, and two checks have come from random people in the mail who just "thought it might come in handy." I bring these fears before Him, confident that He will work changes in me. In the past, I would secretly panic and push these fears down, hoping desperately to rise above them. How foolish of me to think that I could even begin to do that on my own. Only, only in taking my burden to the Father, letting it roll off of my shoulders at His feet, and inviting Him to work the change in me, will it ever be realized. He must become greater; I must become less.

Well, the next time you hear from me, it will be from the snowy peaks of the Rocky Mountains! Catch ya then! <3

Melodic...Wednesday?

2007-12-05T18:59:00.000-08:00

That's right...there are so many Christmas carols I want to post, and not as many Mondays until Christmas, and I'm not even sure I'll have internet access every one of them. So, without further ado:
Joy to the World
Joy to the world! The Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King!
Let every heart prepare Him room
And heaven and nature sing

Joy to the earth! The Savior reigns!
Let men their songs employ
While fields and floods, rock, hills, and plains
Repeat the sounding joy

No more let sin and sorrow grow
Nor thorns infest the ground
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found

He rules the earth with truth and grace
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness
And wonders of His love

Top Ten Tuesday

2007-12-04T18:31:00.000-08:00

The Top Ten Things I'll Miss About Life Group

1. Fun icebreaker questions that let you get to know people a little better
2. William's random comments and voices, and the face Emily makes when he does them
3. All the different perspectives we get when we discuss Scripture
4. All the laughter that happens every week
5. Jonell and Frank's weekly bantering
6. Watching married couples and parents interact and learning from their example
7. Taking a turn watching the little people
8. Learning more about listening for words and praying for people in the Spirit
9. Seeing God answer prayer and sharing God stories
10. Dave, Kim, Noah, Ryan, Becky, River, William, Emily, Frank, Sheena, Gabe, Leah, Zach, Melissa, Zach Jr, Jess, and Jonell.

Tonight was my last life group before I leave. I am really going to miss it. We talked about the second half of 2 Timothy 2, which is a really rich passage. Even though I got a little carried away on the subject of golden bowls, I really enjoyed our discussion of it. Afterwards Kim asked everyone to pray for me, which was really good. People prayed exactly what was on my heart, which I know was a leading from God and just more evidence to me of Him caring for me and meeting my needs. They surprised me with a journal that everyone had written a little something in, which is really awesome. I will definitely treasure it and use it. God keeps giving me journals as gifts--maybe I'll post that story later. :)

Melodic Monday

2007-12-03T19:33:00.000-08:00

Years ago, I heard a talk at a women's Christmas brunch on Christmas Carols. The speaker picked a couple and asked us to examine the words, not just sing them as a yearly tradition. Some of them have verses I'd never even heard before. I was amazed at how much of the gospel is in these songs. This one is one that my church used to sing a verse of every week as we lit that week's advent candle.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

O come, O come Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

O come, thou Wisdom from on high
That orders all things mightily
To us the path of knowledge show
And teach us in her ways to go
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of hell Thy people save
And give them vicotry over the grave
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

O come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadow put to flight
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

O come, Thou Key of David, come
And open wide our heavenly home
Make safe the way that leads on high
And close the path to misery
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might
Who to Thy tribes on Sinai's height
In ancient times once gave the law
In cloud and majesty and awe
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

O come, Thou Root of Jesse's tree
An ensign of Thy people be
Before Thee rulers silent fall
All peoples on Thy mercy call
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

O come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind
Bid Thou our sad divisions cease
And be Thyself our King of peace
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

Sentimental

2007-12-02T18:12:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling really sentimental tonight. Partly because it was my last service at RVC and my last life group and tiny group are coming up, partly because I've been preparing Christmas presents and cards before I leave and realizing I won't be here to give them to the people at Christmas time, partly because it's raining and partly because I've been watching You've Got Mail.

I am not one of those people who are against emotions. I do not think that they are totally subjective and should therefore be totally ignored in favor of logic and reason. Actually, I hate people like that. I feel like they're the living dead, killing off part of themselves because they feel like they can't control it. And if you read the Bible, you'll find every kind of emotion expressed by Godly people--even God Himself. Emotions are wonderful and should be experienced and enjoyed. Now there are some people who take this to the opposite extreme and become weepy basket cases. I'm not talking about that either. I'm talking about a healthy experience and understanding of God-given feelings, and inviting the heart and mind to be partners on the journey instead of standing in opposition to each other.

Wow, this is a rambly blog. What I intended to say when I started that paragraph was that, even though I enjoy experiencing my emotions, I'm so glad that God is a solid Rock who doesn't ebb and flow, bend and sway like my emotions do. No matter how I'm feeling, God is there, and God is faithful, and God is unchanging. I mentioned a verse in my last blog that has been speaking to me a lot lately: "Cast your burdens on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall" (Ps 55:22). I started thinking about what a big promise that is. What if everyone took that verse to heart and cast all their burdens on Jesus? You think He would reach a point where His back would break. I think of social workers and counselors who get burnt out and weary with carrying other people's burdens. But Jesus' shoulders are broad enough, and His back is strong enough, for all the burdens of all the people. ALL the people. EVER. What do we think He was doing when He died on the cross? Bearing the sins of all people. Not just my sins, as if that weren't enough, but ALL the sins of EVERYONE. And I'm afraid to bring my burdens to Him--I afraid He can't carry it well, or He already has too many. Baloney. If my Jesus can't carry my burdens, then He's not a competent Savior. But actually, His back is so big that when I finally give Him my burden to carry, He shoulders it, and the thing that was so big and heavy on my back becomes a tiny, insignificant thing the size of a Lego block next to Him. And He says He will NEVER let the righteous fall. We are the righteous, thanks to Jesus (2 Cor 5:21). And He will NEVER let us fall. Why do I think the word "never" means "sometimes" or "only to teach you a lesson" or "look for footnote with explanatory clause"? Never means never. It is an absolute.

Well, this started with me watching You've Got Mail. This is what happens when you give sentimentality and emotions the reins and let 'em run.

Shuttle Anxiety

2007-11-29T22:02:00.000-08:00

Last night I went online to book my shuttle service from the Denver Airport to Steamboat Springs. Everything was going "swimmingly" (I've been reading British novels) until I clicked "confirm" and the screen popped up: "There is a taxi available from DIA at 11 am." The problem--my flight doesn't get in until 11:35. I'd already bought my non-refundable ticket and I didn't know what to do. The schedule on the website said that the service ran all day, but here it was giving me one single time. I started freaking out, mostly because my mom had just said, "Make sure the taxi can take you before you book your ticket" and I rolled my eyes and said "Yeah, Mom," checked the schedule hurriedly to appease her then went on my merry way to book my ticket. I knew I would never hear the end of it, and worse, I knew I couldn't afford another ticket and would have to borrow the money from my parents.

My heart was sinking as I started up to my room. Halfway up the stairs, though, it came to me that this was an opportunity to practice childlikeness. Trust fully in the guiding authority and rely on Dad to take care of it. I stopped and prayed and asked God to take care of me as His daughter and provide for me as a Father. I was immediately met with the verse "Cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall" (Ps 55:22).

I thought about the verse all through today and had to consciously make the decision to trust again. Trust, like sooo much else in life, isn't a feeling, it's a choice. It didn't make sense to me to choose to say "I trust You" when I didn't *feel* that way, but I knew I couldn't sit around and wait for my feelings to catch up with me. So, tonight I logged back on to the taxi website and went through it all again. It turns out that I forgot to include an important detail--the arrival time of my flight. Once I entered that in, the screen popped up with a later taxi time. It turns out that the schedule is right and the screen that pops up is supposed to be helpful--their "suggested time" for you to book your trip. Thanks a lot, Alpine Taxi.

So, I don't have to buy another ticket, I don't have to borrow money from my parents and eat the humble pie, and I don't have to inform the ranch people that I'm an idiot who can't read a shuttle schedule correctly and got myself stranded at the airport. Is this Father God providing for me? I do believe it is, but really, I just feel stupid. It wasn't even worth all this drama--I just couldn't read. But still, I have the lesson--and God didn't let me fall.

Childlike

2007-11-28T07:42:00.000-08:00

So, we bought this old-fashioned Coke in holiday-themed glass bottles, the kind you have to use a bottle opener on. I usually open mine over the sink because of my tendency to make the bottle caps fly off and Coke splash out. So, this morning I opened one over the sink, as usual. And as expected, the cap flew off and the Coke splashed out--all over the clean dishes in the drying rack. Oh snap.

But anyway, something I've been thinking about a lot since I worked at the school is Jesus' commendation of children. Not just that He loves them or has a heart and compassion for them, but that He speaks highly of them. He says the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these little children (Matt 19:14, Mark 10:14, Luke 18:16), and unless we humble ourselves and become like a little child, we will never enter the kingdom of heaven (Matt 18:3). Those are pretty powerful words. I've always had an image of Jesus lovingly welcoming the children into his arms, smiling at them and blessing them. I think this is true. But there's more to it. He was displeased with his disciples for holding them back and spoke strongly to them about it. He employed a child as an object lesson in humility for them. There's more than just Jesus' love for children here--there is real respect and esteem shown for them by their Savior and Creator.

I thought about this a lot in my moments of frustration with the kids at school. Why would Jesus want us to become tattling, back-talking, unruly scraps of humanity? Why would the kingdom of heaven belong to disrespectful, selfish imps who test patience to the limits? But the more I thought about it and called on these verses for patience, the more Jesus showed me in them.

A phrase that's often used is "childlike faith." It gets tossed around a lot, but I really understood it for the first time when the kids did a unit on Australia. To them, Australia is a far-off, almost mystical land full of strange animals and accents. But whatever they read about Australia, or whatever the teacher told them, was reality to them. They read with great excitement that a kangaroo can jump over a school bus and didn't even think to question it. Where adults might say, "That seems awfully high," or "I'll believe it when I see it," they said, "Awesome! Kangaroos are sweet! I'm a kangaroo! I'm going to jump over my bus tonight!" Nothing was outside the realm of possibility for them.

The children--most of them--are still purely honest. They haven't learned the subtleties of what's "ok" to say and what's not. Like Alex with the pencils in my earlier post. They have no qualms in saying to the teacher, "This is hard! I wish I didn't have to do this," or "I loved reading the book about Koala Lou." Even "This makes me really angry" is something they're not afraid to say. They have yet to learn the art of masking their emotions. Delight, anger, and sadness are all freely expressed by them.

They delight in things so easily. A trip to the grandparents', the class's pet hermit crab starting to come out of its shell, a classmate bringing in their dog for show and tell--these are all major deals to them. They're not yet jaded by the everyday and don't fail to delight in things that seem commonplace or mundane to us. Grasshoppers living out by the fence, the first red leaves in the fall, and the cold weather that means snow and Christmas are coming are just a few more things that the children shared their delight in with me.

Kids are not afraid to say "I don't know," or "Can you help me?" or "I need help tying my shoes" or "I don't understand this math problem" or "I can't get these fruit snacks open." Something many adults would die before saying is "I need help" or "I can't figure this out on my own." Children can't imagine any other reality. They know that they need the help of someone bigger, stronger and wiser, and it never occurs to them for a moment that they won't get that help. Teachers always know all the answers; the principals have ultimate power. And they never doubt that all of it goes toward their benefit.

The thing that touched me the most is that the children aren't afraid to express their love. They run up and throw their arms around you, turn around and smile at you, grab your hand while you're walking down the hallway, say blatantly, "I like you!" or "You're my best friend!" When does this become so hard for adults? When do the words "I love you" get pushed back? I am often so fearful of rejection that I hesitate to even offer my friendship, let alone my love. That is something that you must prove you are worthy of before I'll give it to you.

The kids are open, honest, trusting, humble and loving, while so often I am guarded, double-worded, skeptical, prideful and overly jealous of my love--and not just in my behavior toward others, but towards God. We learn such fine arts of guile and second-guessing as we grow up, and everything loses its straight-forwardness and simplicity. I can easily imagine why God would want to see people coming to Him with hearts like a little child--open, honest, fully dependent on Him and fully confident that He will meet every need.